The usual forms of abuse that we’ve all grown to know over the years are all woven into the fabrics of narcissistic abuse.
Physical, emotional, psychological, neglect, intimate, financial; they slowly become your life with a narcissist.
Nobody ever really considers this to be the case, but it’s what actually makes narcissistic abuse so tragic and painful.
Going one step further, there’s a very scary part of narcissistic abuse, and it changes you. Want to know what it is? Read on!
Losing Yourself
I hate to even say it, because it involves so much. Losing yourself is the scariest part of narcissistic abuse, and people fight internal battels to find themselves again once the relationship is over
There are ways you lose yourself, and these ways are slow. They’re planned carefully by the narcissist, who finds you and knows they need to act fast if they are to manipulate you enough to stay.
You Start Doubting Your Own Reality
Narcissistic abuse is the excuse your abuser needs to distort your mind from what’s really going on.
Think about it like this, if your thoughts start to creep nearer to the truth of your relationship, there’s every chance you’ll out the narcissist and/or leave them.
This is their biggest fear, so to keep you close, they act as though what you’re thinking and feeling is just your imagination.
That can be anything, from your opinions on them working late, your worries, fears, triggers, hopes and dreams; anything.
Why do you want to apply for that job? I don’t think it suits you.
You shouldn’t think that way, you know you’re being too sensitive.
You’re imagining things.
That’s not what happened, and you know it.
You know, over time these comments add together to form a very strong opposition to your thoughts, to the point where you just believe the narcissist.
You think, “Maybe I am going crazy. Here I am just being overly sensitive again. He’s right, that job is way above my remit. I won’t apply.”
Suddenly, you’re a different person. The things you wanted to do in life become distant memories, and you live to fit the slot the narcissist has carved out for you.
I think the worst thing that victims struggle with is the confusing aspect of, “How did I get here? Where is the old me?”
That’s because narcissistic abuse is slow and full of intent. It’s never fast and noticeable. If it were, it would be more obvious who’s really to blame.
The Loss of Self-Worth Creeps In Quietly
When you’re told you’re not good enough by a narcissist, it’s not always in those direct words. They can easily run you down with a snigger, or a mocking comment.
Really? You think you can cook that from scratch! This I’d love to see!
I know you think you can do these things, but you really need my help here.
It’s obvious you’re trying really hard, but come on, you know you don’t know enough about it.
I think you just get a bit confused about what you think you’re capable of.
It’s quiet, but that loss of self-worth comes from all the times you’re invalidated by the narcissist in some way.
And the people who are attracted to them are the types of people who put themselves last, so working on your self-esteem just isn’t going to happen.
Healing from this kind of thing takes time, but it comes with the understanding that you do come first, and that you matter enough to not believe somebody just because they tell you something, especially if that something negatively impacts you.
It’s scary when you wake up one morning and realize your self-worth is gone, but the first step in overcoming that is realizing that it was stolen from you.
You Become Addicted to Their Approval
I met somebody once who lived for their narcissist’s approval. The more she told me about their life together, the more I could see she had totally abandoned herself and was living in his comfort zone just to stay in his ‘good books.’
She learned quickly that seeking approval wasn’t an automatic move into their good books, I mean, we all know narcissists move their goalposts constantly anyway.
The hardest lesson for this woman was learning that it wasn’t about seeking approval, it was about wanting to be loved.
She told me that deep down she knew it wasn’t what love was supposed to look like, but it became a fundamental part of her to please him, so she felt that sense of belonging.
When you’re looking for answers in any other place than your own heart, it won’t end well because you’re leaving yourself to find them.
It changes how a person thinks and feels about themselves so much, so being aware is the first step to undoing the mess they create.
You Feel Responsible for Their Emotions
Why should you feel responsible for another adult’s emotions? They are responsible for their own!
You’ve probably been told:
You make me so mad!
Why do you insist on getting me so field up before I go to work?
You’re so needy it drives me insane!
You say you love me, yet I feel so suffocated by you.
That’s why you feel responsible!
You’ve heard it all, and you’ve lost yourself in the fake fact that you’re now the one responsible for all the bad feelings they cross.
You’re not. They’re just angry people looking for somebody to blame.
You Fear Peace Because It Feels Unfamiliar
How can I make this part of the topic the most important thing you will read?
Peace is quiet, serene, and rejuvenating. It invites you in and asks you to stay, and when you do, you live a life of it.
To those who are used to abuse, chaos, drama, shouting, crying and the highs and lows of abuse, peace feels weird.
They liken it to the kind of weird quiet in a horror movie right before the killer jumps out from behind the curtain.
But it’s not. Peace is a period, not a comma.
The unfamiliarity of it can feel disturbing because you’re so used to noise after a temporary pause in toxic play.
Fearing it is a real gamer changer to the soul if you allow it to be.
You Struggle to Recognize the Person You’ve Become
There’s no reason why you shouldn’t recognize who you’ve become. It probably happened over such a long period of time, it didn’t feel like a personality or character shift at all.
So you think about trying to find the old you, and assume it’ll happen overnight. It’s scary that this is just not possible, but it’s still possible to find the old you, or even invent a new you!
The struggle feels heavy, and you don’t know if you’ll ever recover. I want you to know that these feelings aren’t meant to last, so if you’re getting caught up in them, it’s time to consider what healing can look like for you.
