If only the narcissist could open their eyes and see what they do to people. If only they could just be that person I want them to be in my mind.
If only the story I told myself about them were even halfway true.
I hear you. We tell ourselves the best stories to convince ourselves that it’s love, or that it’s healthy.
But they won’t change. Not for anything.
Here’s why.
Waiting for the impossible
Heartbreak is usually associated with a person who falls out of love with you and no longer wants to be with you.
You pine for them in ways you know you can’t have them any longer, but you still have so much love to give.
Nobody ever really talks about the other kind of heartbreak. The one where you’re with somebody who hasn’t left you, but who is so far from present in your relationship that you may as well be in it alone.
You hope, and boy do you hold onto that hope. The hope they will say sorry for all the hurtful comments or silent treatment.
You hope they will realize that hurting you was only ever going to lead to suffering on your part, and you wish they could see that.
One moment between you could change so much.
But they don’t. And so all you ever end up doing is waiting for the impossible.
Hope means change, right?…
That’s what it all boils down to. It’s like tolerating a two month heatwave and hoping for a drop of rain.
The moment it does, the weather changes for the better. What you tolerate in a narcissistic relationship is far more than anybody should be signed up to tolerate, yet that hope for some kind of change leaves you staying, waiting, wishing.
You can’t hope anything into reality, though. As positive as hope is, it’s not going to change the outcome or standard of your relationship without some kind of action.
That action can come from you, but you’re not the one who needs to change, they are.
Which leads me to my next point…
Narcissists never change
Sorry. I probably should have said a little sooner, but we need to lead into these things, don’t we?
However, they don’t. I’ll go a little further because I think it’s wise to really hammer this in:
Narcissists will never change, no matter what you say or do.
I know. I know you want them to. I know you see the new and improved version of them after a lot of self-reflection.
I know you think of the life that would entail if they were just a little bit of this, and a lot less of that.
You’re not alone, I promise you. As much as people all understand what you’re going through, it can feel lonely to know you have somebody in your life so incapable of – or unwilling to see – the truth.
The reason?
It’s quite brutal, but it needs to be said…
A narcissist cannot change if they refuse to admit they’re a narcissist. This is because to admit they’re a narcissist would involve a level of truth. Those who build their world on nothing but lies cannot do this.
I know. It’s almost groundbreaking, but it’s the root of the issue, and it’s the number one reason narcissists will never change.
They don’t consider themselves narcissists, they don’t want to buy into the truth, and if it’s something they’re unable to hold their hands up to, they will forever deny this reality.
In fact, if you were to be so direct as to label them a narcissist, you’d probably never be spoken to by them ever again. (Tempting?)
They would smear your name all over town telling people how abusive you are, and they may even threaten or intimidate you into backing the heck off so you stop causing trouble for them.
Essentially, they will neer hold their hands up and surrender to the truth, because they don’t want to admit they have a personality so destructive to their ‘perfect image.’
You can’t change what you can’t see
Somebody who views themselves as the victim in every single story is never going to turn around and say, “You know what? Maybe I’m the problem.
Maybe this is all down to me and the way I treat people.” It can’t happen for them.
The entire illusion of them being the good guy would instantly be shattered, and those who are looking at the pieces will know who is to blame.
I think this is why true Narcissistic Personality Disorder is just almost never diagnosed.
It would involve that narcissist heading into a psychologist’s office and sitting with them to hear everything about them that makes them so.
Could you imagine that narcissist sitting there, nodding their heads and agreeing?
It could never be, could it? I mean, you have a hard enough time trying to put them in their palace as it is, and you aren’t even a person who could hand over an official diagnosis.
Simply put, you cannot change what you cannot see.
In their minds, you’re the unstable one. You’re the problem. And they will spend their entire lives trying to convince everybody else of that same, false narrative.
Even you! And that’s where victims start to believe and buy into this crazy idea that they’re the ones who might need to seek help.
Wrong! The only help you might need is recovery from these toxic critters.
Frustrating as it is, you have that power
The narcissist is good, they’re right, they’re noble, they’re powerful. What a narrative to tell yourself when you know deep down you have to work every day to keep that dream alive in the world.
But wait a moment. The power actually really lies with you. It is how you decide to believe the narcissist, and what story you want to live by.
As frustrating as it is to know a narcissist will never change, you have a choice.
You can choose to tune into that idea, and smile alongside their crazy ideas, or you can claim the power back for yourself.
Do you really need proof from somebody else that you’re dealing with a narcissist?
Many feel they do. It’s the kind of validation you never get any other time, and it would mean a lot if somebody could just say they understand what you see and experience, and what you’re going through.
But the power only really kicks in when you happily live with what you know about that person.
In their world, they’re already perfect and it’s you who needs fixing. Trouble really begins when you nod in agreement, and agree to get professional help.
They will tell you how difficult it is to live with you, and how your anger issues create a problem for them.
Call them out. This is wholly inaccurate, and should be addressed as soon as possible.
Just because a narcissist won’t change, doesn’t mean you have to live by their opinions and beliefs.
We all know those are almost always set out to destroy your good character, while they rise up as the innocent victim in it all.
