Many people choose to make excuses for the people that they love, but excuses can cause problems when the person you love and are making excuses for, is a narcissist.
As much as you want to care and make everything right all of the time in your relationship, your partner, if narcissistic, will be doing everything in their power to destroy it.
It’s time those excuses stopped, because if your partner does this, then you know they are a narcissist.
And that means, you have some serious decisions to make about your future together.
#1 When you hear those old familiar phrases…
You’re just so much better at it than I am.
I am so bad with technology, and I know you know what you’re doing.
I don’t know how to use the washing machine.
You roll your eyes for the hundredth time, knowing this was coming. You’ve spent your entire relationship rolling back into the same dynamic of picking up what the narcissist claims they are unable to do, and you feel frazzled at your workload around the house compared to theirs.
These phrases are a form of weaponized incompetence. Narcissists learn fairly early on that if they pretend to be bad at something, the other person, you in this instance, will stop asking them to do it, and just do it yourself.
In your mind, you’re thinking, “What’s the point in wasting time having to ask only to watch them completely mess it up when I can just get on and get it done?”
The problem is, the narcissist is perfectly capable. How do you think they managed to get by before they met you?
It’s the refusal to step up and give their bit to the relationship that causes fractures along the way; fractures that you are desperate to keep repaired because you don’t want the drama or tension to build.
#2 Sometimes, weaponized incompetence is in the act
While weaponized incompetence can show up in phrases, it also shows up in actions, too.
The way they never wash the dishes properly.
The way they always mix whites with colors in the laundry.
When they say they will clean the living room, but only vacuum the center of it, leaving the corners, and everything else along the way.
How many times have you gone on to say, “Forget it. Just let me do it,” and take it on yourself? I’d probably guess more than a few, and the reason you end up there is because your partner knows that if you do it, it’s one less thing for them to do.
#3 The less obvious ways that you might miss matter the most…
Just tell me what to do.
Can you remind me how you like the bed made?
I forgot to pick up the groceries, my bad.
Then there’s:
Leaving a huge mess in the kitchen so you have to tidy it up.
Taking the trash out, but leaving the bin liner on the side instead of putting it in your can.
The subtle ways that your partner can leave everything up to you should never be overlooked. You’re dealing with somebody who purposely does half a job, or makes excuses as to why they won’t even try.
#4 If you’re dealing with this regularly, then…
You guessed it. You’re dealing with a narcissist.
You might be wondering why, and I will gladly answer for you.
Genuinely emotionally healthy people won’t, time and time again, leave everything up to you. They won’t put that weight on your shoulders and leave you struggling to cope, or feeling as though you have to do everything on your own.
Genuine partners want to take on responsibilities, even if they make mistakes, they will want to rectify them, remembering how important it is to always try.
The shortcut narcissists make is knowing that if they do a task badly the first time, they won’t be asked again. But think about it a little more deeply for a moment…
…If you are doing everything, and they’re doing nothing, they get to avoid all accountability while still benefiting from a clean house, or properly washed clothes, or a trash can ready to toss rubbish in.
The house, their life is perfect, without having to lift a finger. The reality that you’re run ragged keeping on top of it all doesn’t phase them in the slightest, as long as the errands get done, that’s all that matters to them.
#5 Where does weaponized incompetence start?
The root of all narcissism never started with, or had anything to do with you. You’re just the latest person who is dealing with somebody who is narcissistic.
Long before you came into the picture, your partner will have experienced one of two things:
- Being constantly criticized for never doing things right.
- Witnessing a parent use weaponized incompetence toward their partner, and making a joke of it in front of them, therefore, teaching them that the way out of doing something is by pretending you can’t do it.
Neither 1 or 2 is right, but sadly, this is the early life for many narcissists, who then grow up to avoid tasks in their own relationships.
#6 Interestingly… you can catch them out
When the narcissist isn’t looking, you might catch them figuring something out easily, but only when it benefits them.
A classic example would be that they say they’ve got a bad back, and can’t get up to make coffee. You make it for them all day, until the moment you see them hop up and dash to the kettle without knowing you’re watching.
They look fine. Their back is fine. They’ve used you all day to do things for them, when all along, they could have done it themselves.
It’s funny how when it suits the narcissist, they’re able to get anything they want done without even so much as calling out your name, isn’t it?
#7 It’s time to stop making excuses
If you’re in a relationship with somebody who ticks all the boxes of weaponized incompetencies, the chances are, you will have made excuse after excuse for them over time.
It’s easier if I do it.
I don’t mind.
Anything to help.
I can do that for you.
You want to please them, and you want an easy life. I get that, we all want an easy life.
But to pick up the slack for somebody who is more than capable of doing it for themselves is a dangerous game to play. Where does it end? At what point is your list of responsibilities full, with no moving room for more?
You aren’t the manager of the narcissist. It isn’t your job to remind them, and check they’ve done something right after they did it.
You most certainly shouldn’t be constantly re-explaining. If you do, the physical load then becomes the mental load, and that is a lot to carry.
If your partner and you live these experiences, it’s worth remembering that this officially puts them into the category of narcissist, and once they’re in it, they will never come out.
