The familiar and luring pull of the narcissist who has recently stamped all over your heart, mind and wellbeing can captivate you into repeating another cycle of abuse.
They throw you out to sea without a lifejacket, then they pull you back to what you perceive as safety. Just as you find your feet, they do it again.
It’s about time you learned to swim, so that you don’t rely on them to make you feel worthy.
Avoiding these tricks is the best place to start!
Always Worth a Try in Their Eyes
Hey, if you’ve recently parted ways with a narcissist, congratulations. I don’t care who initiated it, but I do want to tell you that you have an opportunity to not fall for their ‘come back to me’ lines.
For them, it’s absolutely always worth a try to wind their way back to you. Somehow, they want to be seen to be the caring and considerate person they pretend to be, so you can welcome them with open arms.
It’s not fair or right, but they do it for a few reasons.
- What have they got to lose?
- It’s always worked up until now
- They know what buttons to push
- They love watching you look helpless as you let them return
So – let’s beat all of that by highlighting their secret trick.
Wanting To Repeat That Cycle…Yet Again
I don’t want to see any of you fall back into the cycle of abuse. It’s what has worked up until now, right? It’s how you’ve gone from together to apart, to together again, and apart again.
And if I am being brutally honest, a part of you will want to see the cycle go round again.
I don’t mean you are willingly wanting to be abused, but the part of you attached to the narcissist is going to want to be with them again.
It’s why so many victims don’t leave their abusers. They become accustomed to the abuse, and it erodes their self-worth. Without self-worth, you won’t see being apart as the best option.
These Phrases May Rear Their Ugly Head…
The following phrases are classic narcissistic tactics to get you to go back to them.
They’re very cleverly used at just the right time, so the person you have become under their control feels like there’s no other choice.
There always is.
“Do You Remember The Time We…”
The first phrase is probably used the most regularly. It’s a direct pull to the past – to happier times when you were together in a good (albeit temporary) positive place.
The narcissist wants you to look back on the fun times you had and remember how well you got on, the potential you had, how much you enjoyed being together, how happy you were, and how they activated all of those things inside your heart.
Hold on to what you know to be true.
Those moments, as incredible as they felt then, were based on manipulation rather than real feelings. They were manufactured, so you saw them as reasons to stay when things got really bad.
Being reminded of any good times is a plan designed to prevent you from looking at all the bad.
If you can’t see the destruction, then you won’t remember them, or pay them attention.
“I Miss You”
Parts of this are true, but none of it is down to you as a person.
To them, missing you means missing what they could get away with—all the things they were able to execute successfully under the false guise of ‘care’ or ‘love.’
‘I miss you’ is never about how much they love you, it’s about how much they love the supply you offer
Without your supply, they have nothing.
Don’t mistake their words – because too many people do – and that’s what keeps people returning to abusive relationships.
“I Have to Do Better. I Can’t Lose You”
Which sounds great, doesn’t it? I mean who doesn’t want to hear, ‘I’ll do better, please tell me what I need to do to not lose you’?
Well, that all depends on the context. You need to be aware of repeated and intentional mistakes and how they can affect you and cause great harm to your well-being.
If you’re in a relationship and your spouse makes a genuine mistake that they can prove they are remorseful for, that’s your call and a different topic completely.
Narcissists aren’t like that. They create their problems, then inflict them onto innocent people they beg to forgive.
Guess what?
You forgive, and they come back and do it all again.
“I Hate Upsetting You”
You can’t knowingly hurt another person while simultaneously feeling bad about it.
And I want you to remember that the next time the narcissist begs and pleads and tells you how much they hate seeing you upset.
Because they caused it.
At the end of the day, they have a choice to keep you safe or keep you stuck.
Don’t let it be the latter.
“Don’t Leave Me”
Narcissists beg for you not to leave them when they’re scared you actually might.
They don’t know how to explain that they weren’t good enough for you to give it another go.
Instead, they try everything to make you stay, starting with the simple statement of:
Don’t leave me.
“If You Leave, I’ll Have Nothing to Live For”
A step further from the last point, very troubled narcissists out there do use this line to scare and invoke fear into their victim.
Yes, it temporarily gives the victim the power to think they actually have some kind of influence on a narcissist’s choice to live or not.
Victims – not used to being given such responsibility – suddenly rush to the aid of the narcissist. They don’t want anything to happen to them because ultimately, they are still good, kind people.
“I Have Never Stopped Loving You”
You haven’t started either…
And I know, you think it was love. They told you it was love. But these are words.
You can’t believe anybody who just uses words. Actions are where the truth lies, so if you are ever in any doubt about the feelings of another, watch what they do, not what they say.
Changing Who You Are To Get Through This
The most important thing of all is to do the inner work that will change how you see narcissists.
They aren’t people you need who will protect and support you. They’ll steal the good for you and replace it with uncertainty and a loss of self.
If you want to get to the other side, and see that the narcissist doesn’t come back at all, there are boundaries you need to establish and keep.
I believe you can do it!
