I get inundated with questions relating to how you find out if the person you’re involved with is a narcissist or not.
While I can see there is no way for them to walk around with a tag round their neck that informs you, there are ways you can tell.
The key is to not ask directly. Of course, they will deny it and either go out of their way to show you they aren’t, or discard you altogether.
And if they’re not, you might hurt their feelings.
So, we’re left with my magic tests! Let;s get into each one.
#1 “I don’t feel loved.”
You don’t have to come at them and say this in a way that may make them feel too defensive, and I think the key is just that.
Softly reach out and make your concerns be heard. Your goal is to give them an opportunity to be horrified that you’re feeling this way in your relationship, and if they are healthy and regulated, that’s exactly what they will do.
It’s clear that every person in a relationship should feel loved and wanted. If you aren’t those things, the other person is doing something wrong.
Addressing your concern through this test will give them a bit of space to sit with your statement and respond.
If they’re a narcissist, you’ll get the look, probably even the infamous eye roll they do so well.
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You’ll perhaps get a bit of a sigh as they watch you turn the attention on yourself, looking for reassurance but mostly for them to be accountable.
Narcissists just won’t be. They will get defensive and tell you that you’re obviously having a sensitive day.
You’ll be gaslighted into believing that you have standards that are too high, or that you aren’t being fair.
#2 Ask them to go 2 minutes out of their way for you
This one is less direct to the narcissist, but you can still watch them in how they respond to your query.
Asking them t o stop off at the store and grab something you (and only you) need.
Whether that might be sanitary products, or the wine only you like, or even some conditioner you ran out of.
If it means the narcissist has to go two minutes out of their way to help you, they will fight you, or tell you they don’t have the time.
They may even do it begrudgingly, but punish you for it later by reminding you that they were late home due to it being your fault.
A nice or understanding partner would be happy to help you out, and why shouldn’t they?
Remember, you want to ask for something just a little out of their way. The smaller, the better, because even the smallest favor will grate on them.
#3 Ask for something thoughtful
You know, we haven’t gone out for a nice meal lately. Would you book somewhere for us Friday?
I feel a little distant from you lately. Would you spend the evening with me just chilling and watching TV?
I really like it when you get me flowers, but you haven’t done it for months.
Again, you’re not wanting to ask for the world, but you’re wanting to ask for something that means they need to dig and think a little.
For a person to be thoughtful, they need to apply some love to what you need. Can you imagine how challenging that must be for them?
If they’re healthy, you’ll have no problem. If they’re a narcissist, good luck!
#4 Ask them to show up
Your relationship has been suffering lately? Ask them to show up.
You are feeling like they don’t want to be with you any more? Ask them to show up.
You sense the way they never make time for you? Ask them to show up.
If there is a misalignment, the only person who is able to openly fix it is the person who is causing it.
If they can show up and provide you with proof that they love you but have just got lost in this wild thing called life, then great. If they jump back at you with comments like this?
How dare you accuse me of not caring!
All I do is try to be there!
You know I love you, what more do you want from me?
Why are you being so demanding?…
You know who you’re up against. It’s a simple test that ought to reveal their true colors in no time at all.
#5 Communicate a need
Communicating a need doesn’t have to be big, but it needs to not turn into an argument.
That’s your hope for the outcome, at least. So if you’re asking for something you need from them, they need to not only hear you, but return to you what you’re asking for.
Think about a hug, or for them to skip the gym tonight and instead spend time with you.
Ask them if you can talk to them without being interrupted. Tell them you need a weekend away with them to make up for how busy and stressed you’ve both been lately.
Relationships are all about give and take. If you’re with a narcissist, this is where you need to see them give.
#6 Ask for honesty
Just for a moment, is it too much to ask? Give them a reason to give you an honest response, or even an honest action, or even…. An honest emotion!
I think how refreshing it’d be if a narcissist were to say, “You know what?
I’m scared of love. I don’t know what it is, but I wish I could just open up and let myself take a risk,” rather than abuse, duck and dive to avoid it altogether, or deny they have a problem.
Ask for honesty. Ask them to lay their heart on the table just for a moment in whatever scenario you need them to do it in.
If they’re willing, they will be able to. If they’re able, they aren’t a narcissist.
It’s a simple, yet effective test that never fails.
#7 Ask them to celebrate you
Celebrate wins! Narcissists haven’t the first clue in how to celebrate something good, especially when it isn’t about them.
They would rather pull their hair out than see you happy and join you in it. If it’s not about them, they don’t want to know.
So make them know. Ask them to join in. Give them a reason to feel great about you and who you are.
It should come easy if it’s a person who loves you the way you love them, right? There should be no issue.
Except, if you’ve got a narcissist on your hands, there will be tons of issues, and none of them are going to be good.
The only person a narcissist knows who to celebrate is themselves. Any other person is considered to be a spotlight hogger!
This is a great test to see if they will tolerate handing it over to you for a little while.
