Relationships with in-laws can be difficult to navigate at times. This is why so much has been said about the touchy uncertainty of mother and daughter-in-law relationships.
While much of the conversations tend to center around toxic mothers-in-law, what are you supposed to do when it’s your daughter-in-law that’s creating an unhealthy relationship dynamic?
If your relationship with your daughter-in-law has been filled with strife, then you may be wondering what the issue could be.
Does she feel uncomfortable around you or does she simply not like you? Accepting the woman that your son has chosen to marry is important to maintaining your relationship with them both. That’s why it’s important to know if her distant behavior is stemming from her being a shy person or her not liking you at all.
Pay attention to these signs your daughter-in-law doesn’t like you to help you better navigate the situation.
Why Do Daughters In Law’s Dislike Their Mothers In Law?
Cultivating a healthy relationship with your daughter-in-law is imperative to the health of your relationship with your son and current or future grandkids. However, you may not notice when you’re the one creating an environment that breeds resentment and dislike from her.
Many times, she may not like you because she feels as though you’ve made no real effort to get to know her. If you haven’t been expressing interest in who she is or what she likes then that may create a feeling of animosity.
She may also feel like you criticize her parenting skills or don’t appreciate everything she does for her family. Pay attention to the way you treat her.
Other times, it may not have anything to do with you. Sometimes we’re simply dealing with an unfriendly daughter-in-law who has preconceived ideas about what a relationship with her mother-in-law should look like.
It could be quite possible that all of her friends have terrible relationships with their mothers-in-law and she may assume that this is how every relationship with an in-law will function. Your son may also not help the situation if he doesn’t have the most positive things to say about you.
Mothers-in-law are also often portrayed as manipulative and controlling in many movies and other media sources. While you may not embody any of these traits, she may have come into the relationship with her guard up from the beginning due to these unfair portrayals.
14 Signs Your Daughter-In-Law Doesn’t Like You
Have you noticed some off-putting behavior that makes you feel like your daughter-in-law doesn’t like you?
It can be hard to decipher someone’s actions, especially if the behavior is subtle and passive. That’s why it’s important to know the signs that more or less confirm what their behavior means.
If you’ve been struggling to figure out what’s going on, here are the main signs you have a daughter-in-law that doesn’t like you.
#1 She tends to ignore your text messages or phone calls and you rarely ever hear from her first
What happens when you call your daughter-in-law up? Does she answer your calls for the most part or do you notice that every phone call winds up going to voicemail? She could be busy with work, kids, and keeping the family together but if she’s ignoring every call that’s a bad sign.
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If you’re not the one reaching out, do you ever hear from her first? A daughter-in-law that cares and appreciates your relationship will be willing to put in the work to maintain the relationship.
However, if she’s constantly dodging calls, keeping phone calls brief, and doesn’t ever reach out first then she’s avoiding you. This is a clear-cut sign that she doesn’t want to speak to you and most likely doesn’t like you.
#2 She always finds an excuse to avoid seeing you or hanging out alone with you
As humans, when we don’t like someone we’re going to want to limit the amount of time we have to spend with them.
If she’s always finding excuses as to why she can’t come over to see you then she probably doesn’t like you. If you have to practically beg her to spend time with you or you only ever see her at family events, then she’s making a conscious decision to avoid you.
Ditching plans or refusing to make time for you is a clear sign that she feels some hostility towards the relationship between the two of you.
#3 When she does attend family meetings or events, she goes out of her way to avoid being alone with you
If she doesn’t like you, you’ll begin to notice her alienating you at family events as well.
She’ll be sure to keep her distance and even actively avoid being caught alone with you. Once you do happen to catch her alone, she’ll go quiet or may even begin to look disgruntled.
She may even pretend like she doesn’t know much about the topic of conversation brought up or she may not bother keeping the conversation going. Either way, if she’s displaying these types of actions, then she probably doesn’t like you.
#4 She never reaches out to you when you or the family is going through a loss or a tough time
Does she happen to forget to call and check up on you after the family has suffered a great loss or when you’re sick?
As a member of the family, caring about what happens to you or someone else in the family is important for the relationships to flourish. If she never calls to check-in or to express her condolences, then she is actively avoiding becoming close to you.
Or if she does call, she makes sure the conversations are short. Overall, she makes sure to cut the number of interactions she has to have.
#5 She doesn’t call on birthdays, anniversaries, or other big milestones
How does she typically act on important dates? A daughter-in-law that has a healthy relationship with her in-laws will make sure to, at the very least, call on birthdays, holidays, and other important family dates.
While it’s perfectly normal for her to forget a birthday or an anniversary once in a while, if she’s always letting these milestones go by without a call or anything then it shows a complete disregard for you and the family.
#6 She doesn’t come over to visit whenever your son does
This one can be tricky, especially since you aren’t her mother. It would be unreasonable to expect her to visit every time your son does.
After all, she has her own family to visit as well as friends and work and other life obligations. It’s perfectly normal for her to be busy sometimes. However, she should be visiting with your son at least half the time that he comes over.
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If she’s always busy every Sunday at the same time your son comes over then she is avoiding coming over. This is a pretty clear sign that she doesn’t like you.
#7 She’s nicer to other family members and makes the effort to speak with them and nurture the relationship
This is one of the most obvious signs that you’re dealing with a toxic daughter-in-law. How does she treat other family members?
Is she incredibly warm and friendly with them and then suddenly goes cold once you enter the picture? This could be an indicator that she doesn’t like you.
However, be sure to keep the situation in perspective. Does she happen to get along better with these family members because she’s closer in age with them or has more in common?
It’s important to pay close attention to how she reacts when you come along. If she tries her best to include you in the conversations and is genuinely happy to see you then there’s nothing to worry about.
But, if she immediately closes up or tries to put a distance between the two of you, then that’s a bad sign.
#8 She’s suddenly the sweetest person in the world when your son is around but is ice cold when it’s just the two of you
Once again, this one involves considering other factors. If she’s more talkative when your son is around, there could be several reasons for this.
For starters, she may just feel more comfortable and at ease when he’s around. After all, if there are any awkward silent moments she can rely on your son to help pick the conversation back up.
When it’s just the two of you, it may put more pressure on her to keep the conversation going, even if she has nothing to say.
However, if she completely ices you out when it’s the two of you then that’s not a good sign. Examples could include her not bothering to keep the conversation up at all or even actively being rude or purposely being disagreeable with you.
It’s perfectly normal for her to feel uncomfortable being alone with you at first. But if her behavior leans more toward being unpleasant, then chances are she’s not the biggest fan of you.
#9 She makes passive-aggressive remarks towards you or even subtly belittles you
Being passive-aggressive towards you or making snide comments at your expense is one of the most obvious toxic daughter-in-law signs.
Does she make incredibly unkind or even cruel comments at your expense and then try to play it off as a joke? While playful jokes can be done in good taste, it can be easy to disguise unkind comments as a ‘joke.’
Some people’s families make poke fun or are silly towards one another, there’s a clear difference between that and disrespectful remarks. If she’s constantly being mean towards you, then she’s making it clear that she doesn’t like you.
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#10 She quickly gets on the defense with you
This one will depend on how you treat her. If you’re constantly criticizing her or critiquing her as a mother, then it will make sense that she would be quick to be defensive around you.
However, if you’ve reflected on your behavior and know that you don’t engage in this type of nit-picking, then her being on the defensive is probably unwarranted.
If her initial reactions to you are always irritated and annoyed, then this is a clear sign she doesn’t like you.
#11 She and your son spend most of the holidays and weekends with her family
For this one, the situation will really depend on a few factors. Proximity to one another will play the biggest role. If her parents happen to live a short drive away while you live a few states away, then she will of course be seeing her family and bringing the grandkids there more often.
However, you can begin to suspect that she has ulterior motives if you’re all equally as far away from each other.
Balancing the holidays and the weekends can be difficult for any family. But if it’s just as convenient to drop by your house after her parent’s house or vice versa and she doesn’t make the effort, it could be because she doesn’t want to see you.
#12 She never comes to you for any advice and completely brushes off your feedback
As a mother, you are filled with years of wisdom. Maybe she doesn’t feel comfortable being that open and vulnerable around you. Or perhaps she has always followed the advice of her mother or another older, wise person in her life.
There are many reasons why she may not come to you for advice, but if she never even asks for your simple opinion on something then that’s a pretty big red flag.
When we ask someone for their feedback, it’s a way of letting them know that we value what they have to say. If she’s never even asked you for any sort of advice, then chances are that she doesn’t like you or value what you think or have to say.
#13 She never uses any of the gifts you give her and doesn’t display anything you get her
When you go over to their house, do you ever see any of the gifts that you’ve given them? Maybe you got her a sweater that your son told you that she really wanted and you never see her wearing it.
Or maybe you gifted them a gorgeous China set and she has never used it or placed it on display for guests to see. When you happen to ask her about the gifts she always has an excuse as to why they’re not being used.
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Perhaps the sweater just so happened to have ripped in the dryer or pieces to the China set broke. It can be hurtful to see the gifts you’ve taken the time out to purchase be overlooked and underappreciated. If you’re noticing this kind of behavior then it’s definitely not a good sign.
#14 She refuses to accept any help from you
Maybe you know that she and your son are running into a financial hiccup and you want to help out by gifting them some money to get them by.
Or maybe you’re willing to help babysit over the weekend so that the two of them could go away for a romantic getaway.
If you offer to help time and time again and she consistently refuses, she may have a problem accepting help, or she may not want to accept your help in particular. When she does accept your help, she does so reluctantly.
3 Reasons Why Your Daughter-In-Law Doesn’t Like You
Healthy relationships are a two-way street. There are several reasons why a daughter-in-law may not like or get along with her mother-in-law.
While some factors may include how you treat her, there are others that are completely out of your control. Here are the main reasons why your daughter-in-law doesn’t like you.
#1 She has misconceptions about what a daughter-in-law and mother-in-law relationship should look like
As mentioned previously, the media tends to portray mothers-in-law in a bad light. Quite often in television shows and movies, they are made to look like manipulative and controlling women who go out of their way to hold onto their sons in any way that they can.
There are tons of jokes made online about how toxic mothers-in-law can be and so many women often vent with their girlfriends about their terrible relationships with their husband’s mother.
As her mother-in-law, you may have to come to an understanding that she may be keeping her distance from you out of fear.
She may assume that you have ill intentions towards her and she may even think that you want to stand in the way of her marriage. It can be hard to accept how vilified this role is in the media, but coming to this understanding can help you better relate to her.
If she dislikes you and you know for a fact that you do not portray yourself as the nosy, overbearing in-law, then it may come down to a simple misunderstanding.
Maybe she has trust issues with regard to getting close to you. It may all boil down to her misconceptions about what your relationship together is supposed to look like.
#2 She feels like you are always criticizing her parenting style and interjecting when not asked
Parenting criticism from a mother-in-law is quite often unwarranted and uncalled for. In fact, many of the disagreements that happen between parents and grandparents are about parenting choices.
As a grandparent, it is perfectly normal to want the best for your grandchildren. After all, you raised your own kids and you’re pretty proud of how they turned out. However, this is her turn to parent and by interjecting with your own thoughts and opinions, you may quickly alienate her and begin to destroy your relationship.
Making comments about how you disapprove of what’s being served for dinner, how they discipline their children and more will only lead to constant fights and resentment.
Another big issue that causes unnecessary strife is when your daughter-in-law attempts to set a boundary and you take it personally. If you begin to avoid your grandchildren out of spite this will, in turn, cause a chain reaction of frustration on everyone’s end.
She may begin to see you as a manipulative person, willing to neglect the grandchildren in order to get what you want. If this all sounds familiar, then this may be one of the biggest reasons why she doesn’t like or get along with you.
#3 The two of you have differing views on what makes a “good wife” or a “good mother”
Gender roles have changed so much over the past few decades, especially since you first got married and started having kids.
These days, women are getting married much later, starting families later, and are focused on furthering their careers before settling down. Many men have begun to help out in the house with daily chores, cooking, and even being more hands-on with the children.
Such huge differences can definitely create some tension between you and your daughter-in-law if you happen to have a set idea of what the best wife and mother looks like for your son and grandkids.
Perhaps you believe that a woman should be at home with the kids and cooking every night for her husband. Or maybe you believe that a woman should be contributing half of her paycheck to the mortgage payment and not fully depending on a man.
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Either way, disagreements about gender roles can begin to play a huge role in many fights with your daughter-in-law. If she doesn’t like you, it could be because you place unrealistic expectations on her about her role in the household.
She may feel like you’re overly critical of her and how she chooses to contribute to her own household.
5 Toxic Daughter-In-Law Signs
In the same way that parents, grandparents, and even friends can be toxic to our relationships, so can our in-laws.
This is the type of person who no matter how well you treat them, always finds a way to bring their negative energy into the space. Dealing with a toxic daughter-in-law can be especially difficult as she is responsible for raising your grandchildren and being a caring spouse to your son.
For many of us dealing with this kind of situation, it can be emotionally exhausting trying to figure out how to handle the situation.
If you feel like you may be dealing with this kind of situation, keep these toxic daughter-in-law signs in mind to see if your hunches are true.
#1 She limits the amount of contact you can have with your son
This one is an incredibly obvious sign of many controlling daughters-in-law. One way that she is able to impact your life negatively is by creating a barrier between you and your relationship with your son.
A strong relationship with your son is a huge part of how much you’ll be involved in his life and his family’s life. If your daughter-in-law doesn’t like you and is a toxic person, then she will go out of her way to destroy this relationship in whatever ways she can.
She may talk badly about you to her husband and paint you out to be a villain. She may even over-exaggerate things that you’ve said or done in order to justify why she doesn’t want him talking to or seeing you as much. Her goal is to sever your relationship to maintain her power and keep you away.
#2 She doesn’t try to hide the fact that she doesn’t like you
She always goes out of her way to make sure that you know that she can’t stand you. This can play out passive-aggressively or she may even bluntly let you know.
She may get annoyed with every little thing you do or say. Or she may put you down in front of other family members and make you sound like you’re the toxic one.
She may even rudely respond to you in front of other family members and try to remind you of your “place” in the family dynamic. Her ultimate objective is to put you down to make herself feel better and more powerful.
#3 She displays incredibly selfish and narcissistic behaviors
One of the other clear signs of a bad daughter-in-law is a woman who is constantly displaying incredibly selfish behavior. What does she act like when you’re around?
How does she treat other people? She may just be the kind of person who only cares about herself and her own wants and needs.
When dealing with a narcissistic person, you’ll begin to notice that she’s only nice to you when she needs something.
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However, once she gets what she wants she’ll go right on back to treating you terribly or as if you don’t even exist. It’s all about getting what she wants and once you’re no longer useful she will discard you.
#4 She restricts how often you can see your grandkids to an absolute minimum and tries to vilify you to them
If your daughter-in-law doesn’t like you or is an overall toxic person, then she’s going to go out of her way to limit how often you can see your grandchildren.
Even the kindest and most supportive daughter-in-law will be protective of her children. After all, they’re her pride and joy and it’s completely understandable that she will want to be the main influence in their lives.
However, if she is a toxic person then this protectiveness will actually translate into overprotectiveness and possession over the children.
She’ll make sure that her family sees the grandchildren more often and she’ll find excuses to keep the children away from you. She may even begin to talk badly about you to the children.
#5 She talks badly about you to other family members and anyone who will listen
When she begins to feel like her power is being threatened or is feeling particularly vengeful, she will begin to bad mouth you to anyone that will listen.
She’ll go out of her way to try and ruin your reputation in the family and vilify you to everyone. She may even air her drama to her friends and her own family members.
It doesn’t even matter if the things she’s saying are all lies. She’s not above making situations and remarks up to make you look bad.
If you happen to confront her and attempt to set a boundary then she may even lie about talking about you to other people and deny the entire situation.
How to Deal With A Daughter-In-Law Who Doesn’t Like You?
It can be hard to know what to do when your daughter-in-law hates you. Working to improve the situation with her will involve building a lot of trust and mutual understanding. It will also involve the two of you being honest about what triggered the resentful energy between the two of you.
Perhaps you overstepped your boundaries without realizing it and she’s been holding a grudge ever since. It is also important to remember to welcome her into the family without having any reservations.
Your goal as the mother-in-law is to initiate the relationship and create an environment where she feels welcomed and safe. She may have been raised in a very different way than you as well.
It’s easy to misunderstand people’s behaviors and misinterpret the things that they’re doing. You may have misunderstood her behavior as being withdrawn or rude when she was simply feeling shy or uncomfortable.
Finally, if you’re dealing with an incredibly toxic and difficult daughter-in-law, then you’re going to at the very least need to create a respectful relationship.
Since she is married to your son she’s going to be a part of your family now. You’re going to be in contact, whether you both like it or not. You may not have the warm relationship you always dreamed of, but you can still be kind and respectful to one another.
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This is very interesting and I would love to have an opportunity to speak with you. I feel like my sons wife had an agenda when she married my son. My son was incarcerated and the married in a few months. She is very disrespectful and doesn’t want him to have anything to do with his family.
My daughter in law fits the signs you have explained above, I am very concerned about my granddaughters well being being surrounded by her toxic behaviour toward our family ,, she tells us that she has ocd and anxiety but doesn’t see a psychiatrist , she’s self diagnosed and uses it as an excuse to be as rude as she likes, I’m seeking advise on how to cope with her nonsense behaviour
Be more specific. A lot of what you’ve written here is awfully vague. What is she doing specifically that you would consider rude? What are some examples of her toxic behavior? How do you treat her? Have you done anything rude or toxic to make her treat you a certain way? How do you know that she doesn’t see a psychiatrist? Did you ask her this, or are you assuming? Sounds like a potential HIPAA violation and an attempt to secure your grandparents rights deeming your daughter in law as mentally unstable and toxic.
My son & DIL and grandkids live 900 miles away so our time together is precious. We travel to see them 5-6 times a year and have traveled to take care of the grans when she is on a business trip or they want to get away for a few days. We pay for most groceries when there and meals out. We give generously to them and the grans. But, I get the feeling my DIL doesn’t like me. She is always having to take phone calls when we are there. She says we should go shopping and then something comes up. We have spent most holiday’s by ourselves, or when we are there, her family is always included, which is fine. However, we were told last Easter not to come because her mother needs a holiday just with them and we have Christmas. The last 3 Christmases we have spent with them her entire family has been included, so we don’t get a holiday alone. Her mother lived when them for 4 years and just recently moved out. We were also told that we were lucky they could travel to see us once a year. This year they will not be here at all.
I am getting tired of being the ones who give, but get virtually nothing in return. Should we back off and do less? I feel like we are not getting to build a relationship with our grandkids and don’t want my son to feel caught in the middle.
Any advice is help. Thank you
I really wish I had advice for you, but your story is very similar to mine. I have recently been told not to come to see them this summer. I “make her nervous”. She plays the pity card with my son by frequently having emotional meltdowns. The kids are old enough now she doesn’t need me to babysit while she goes on frequent trips by herself. These are business trips, but she often extends them. I always came because I valued time with my beloved grandchildren and son.She never said thank-you, remembered a birthday, or other occasion. Anyway, I sympathize with you and wish you the best. Some relationships can’t be helped with honest goodwill. When I tried that, she saw me as weak. She despises what she calls losers. She despises people who feel.
This article is very vague and seems to bring up the “DIL” as just being unfriendly lol if you’re DIL is rude or cold towards you, you can absolutely blame yourself for that. Try and get to know her without passing judgement. Try and relate to her on some level, take her out to eat, go shopping. The MIL needs to initiate hang outs and be kind since she’s the one joining your family, not the other way around.
No, it’s not always the MIL’s fault.
Amen! These sweet little daughter in laws are more like ninjas.
You are exactly right! We were nice and loving towards our daughter in law helped out with our grandkids for years she did not appreciate us apparently after all we did for her our son and grandkids! She has been enabled her whole life her parents told us better off just to give her what she wants and I quote. “You never want to get on the bad side of our daughter.” Her parents was not kidding about this. Our grandkids loved spending time with us we took them places with their permission of course. She was jealous thinking the grandkids loved us more than her parents. One day our grandkids will be old enough to come see us when they want to and will not be surprised that when they both get married and have their kids they might just give their mother the same treatment she did to them. I hope I live long enough to see it. I would never ever say anything bad about her or our son we do love them. Our son is to blame allowing his wife to treat us this way. God will take care of her actions just be patient and watch and see what happens. You always pay for treating your parents badly when they have been good parents and grandparents we are not perfect but never abused our kids or grandkids in any way shape or form. God is my witness he is the one I answer to.
You are so right about that. God sees everything. Even what is in hiding! I have a very similar situation with my daughter in-law. I don’t worry about it anymore even though it has made my son emotionally unavailable and rude toward me. I raised my son alone and he had the best childhood but since marrying my daughter in-law he has forgotten all the good times and how close we were. I can’t and won’t waste my life on someone I can’t change. their selfishness will come back on them someday. I wish them only happiness and love, but I choose to live my life in peace and happiness…after all life is very short. I was diagnosed with cancer last January and live in a condo beneath them, yet she has not spoken to me or shown her face for 5 months and all because I asked her to call the internet company to find out if the movie app Plex could be applied to my TV programs. She didn’t like me before that but I thought she was thawing out. Guess I was wrong. We live in Poland. My son and I don’t speak Polish but since being married to my son she speaks very good English. Anyway “Say La Vee” what will be will be. that’s the attitude I have adopted since being sick. she couldn’t care less so either do I.
I totally agree with you Betty it’s not always the MIL fault.
All I’ve been reading is what we do to them.
Some of these so called wonderful women our son/s marry should be ashamed of themselves by the way they way they treat their husbands family.
I though they supposed to love everything about them including his family as well. Maybe they should look at their behaviour & take accountability for their actions & the pain & grief they cause to good parents who raised them in loving families!!
Quiet clear to me they were definitely raised with no morals.
Just discussing behaviour!!!
It always does seem that the mother-in-law is to blame. My husband and I welcomed our son and daughter-in-law into our home, to live with us. I was recovering from major surgery; and for some reason, that I know nothing about, I was treated very cruelly in my own home. I have moved on, forgiven them even; but the pain, does still haunt me. I adore my grandchildren and would do anything I could for them; and, we always have fun together. However, I know I will never feel comfortable around Mom & Dad. We are doing our best to try to make it work; and they are in their own home now, but every now and then, I am just reminded of how it was. I am not the same person around them, any more; but I/we enjoy my grandkids; and my husband and I stay very connected, with our friends and other family members. It helps. Wishing Everyone here the best. It’s tough, especially when you don’t know what you did; and you can’t get your son and daughter-in-law, to just talk to you…it was a very difficult time; but life is short, and you just need to enjoy and not allow others, to make you miserable…
Absolutely not true. I have 3 wonderful DIL’s and one who it wouldn’t matter what you did. it would be wrong. Only get family is important and she has cut off all contact with us and our sons 6 siblings. Sorry, but all those people can’t be wrong.
I had some similarities with my DIL and know how tiring and hurtful it can be. I did my best to just be cordial and had to accept seeing my grandchildren as often as she allowed (which wasn’t a lot). I realized it was not their doing or fault and this was the only way for them to have any contact with me. Keeping in touch with the grandchildren is so important to have any kind of future contact with them as they get older. Deep down I know they realize I love them and always have. After 16 years of marriage my son and her are now going through a divorce and I can tell he regrets the way I was treated. It really is so sad but when things are not in your control, you can only do the best you can. Hang in there and I sympathize with the hurt and pain you are going through.
we have decided to move. the anguish of being alienated by our Dil and the difficulty of a son trying to navigate around the passive aggressive destruction of us in his life is making us all ill. we mourn knowing that he will never be allowed to visit us and the power she holds over his head with the children, threats of divorce, silent treatment, when she wants her way , it is exhausting. we thought age and children would soften her jealousy, possessiveness but what we didn’t realize was how narcissistic she was. once we started seeing a very predictable set of narcissistic traits And behaviours we knew no amount of kindness , support, placating, appeasing, etc was going to make a heap of difference. we shall love our son and the grandchildren from afar and wish him well. As for the idea that this is just about us , it’s not, she does this to everybody our son might love or be friends with 😢
I really feel for you. As this is my reality. it has broken my heart.
This is my reality as well. I am devastated.
l am dealing with the same thing. It is hard to understand why people are so selfish and deliberately hurtfull. For me trying to upstanding how my son pretends not to see it and has actually changed into a narcissist just like her is beyond my understanding. I always bragged about what an intelligent, outstanding person he grew up to be. We were so, so very close. Which I have no doubt is what made her feel threatened. She never took the time to get to know me and form a true and genuine relationship. Also my son’s first wife was just like my DIL after 7 years of marriage I gave up try to be her friend as well. My son pretended to be oblivious to her behavior then and now he is again the same way. I guess he figured if you can’t beat’em, join’em. so I wish him well.
How do you handle your emotions over not seeing your son or grandkids ? I feel so heartbroken over a similar situation. I’ve tried everything to be close to my DIL. When I’m not doing something for them I don’t exist. I hope things get better for you.
Really it’s a strange scenario……neither your DIL or you chose each other. The link is your son, her husband. I have tried over the years to create a closer relationship with my DIL but actually she doesnt seem to want that. I dont think she dislikes me but equally she doesnt really want to know me. She is always polite and welcoming but doesnt want to hang out with me. I used to feel hurt and sometimes I still do but beyond carrying on being warm and friendly towards her and interested in what she enjoys talking about I cant make her want a closeness or want to do things with me. We are different and we have different interests and we are at very different stages in our lives. I have tried to spend time with her but she will excuse herself and leave my son and I to chat. If we are alone together she will open her laptop or a book and wont respond if I try to initate a conversation. I feel like Im intruding so I back off in the end and read a book. Alternatively she will simply leave the room and not come back. Its odd and sad. I would love to know her better, share girlie times but at the end of the day it does take two to tango. I cant force it. Whether it will ever change I dont know……am doubtful but would be delighted if it ever does. All I can do is to be constant, kind warm friendly, non judgemental and to offer to help……she is my sons wife……I respect that and I recognise that out there in the world she wouldnt have chosen me to be her friend so why on earth would she now?
Your comment is very helpful too me. I absolutely agree – we wouldn’t choose each other as friends so why should we be close now.
I have been friendly, never visit without an invite and see my son when he thinks of it. She never came to my parties when he did, etc.etc. This week she invited me via text to pick out a spot “this weekend” to share in their garden. I answered enthusiastically. Halfway through Sunday I replied again, “when should we do this?”. Her answer was: “Do What?” Probably not high on her agenda today. But it does make me feel a little like Charlie Brown with Lucy and the football
.
My DIL is classic in your comments. No grandchildren as she wishes to be sterilized. I get that, to each their own. However, each and every endeavor with the family leaves me looking blank. Defeated. Alone. I want to reach out and ask why do you hate me so? But afraid of the answer. I don’t think I have been overbearing, in their pocket or just meddlesome. I stay away as she has severe anxiety.
My son met our DIL shortly after he separated from his fiancé of five years. After dating for 2 weeks she decided to move in with him. Immediately after they moved in together they announced her pregnancy.
As first time grandparents my husband and I were very excited. My husband was so excited to buy clothes, toys and other baby equipments with every spare money we had. He even purchased clothes for up to 3 year old so that our son won’t have to worry about anything.
We are very close family and even the distance didn’t matter because we would talk everyday.
We were both very eager to meet our grandson but because of work commitments and then pandemic, we were not able to travel and meet him in person.
Meanwhile we had our DIL’s half-sister visit us.
She was trying to compare photos of our grandson (asian looking baby) and my husband (caucasian) saying they look alike. My husband started to have doubts and started counting the dates of her pregnancy. I told myself and I tried to convince my husband our grandson picked up all the genes from the mother.
A lot of people were commenting about the dissimilarity of our son and our grandson. We tried to ignore it. A photo of our DIL’s ex was sent to me, I can see the similarities very well especially when our grandson got his hair cut short.
My husband insisted to get grandfather DNA test.
The result came out as COMBINED KINSHIP INDEX (GRANDFATHER/GRANDCHILD): 7.07, PROBABILITY: 87.6%.
It proved to us our son is not the father.
Somehow the word got out through some servants, that we are suspecting our sons parenting authenticity. Our son confronted us about our suspicions. we told him we always had suspicions but we did not disclose the DNA test with him.
He got angry with us and told us that he got a DNA test and the child is his. We asked him to show us the results to dismiss the suspicion. He refused and said it is only him and his wife to know. He also believes the child looks like the mother because boys get their predominant genes from the mothers.
I believe our son is scared to know the truth and will be disappointed. He really loved and cared for the child especially when he was a new born. He did all the night feeding, nappy change and bathing duties even though he had to work during the day.
Our son is a good man, hard working and our DIL knows how to play him around her fingers.
He works around his farm whole day like a horse while she sits with her phone pretending to do social media posting ( I even helped clean rooms and change sheets and clean the kitchen for the resort because our son was exhausted. While DIL was picking up dirt one by one with the dustpan instead of using vacuum cleaner.
Most of the time our grandson (now 3 yrs old) is still wearing his night nappy until noon.
She plays poor little girl that the parents neglected and feeling unloved by them.
Early 2022 my son decided to move to the farm he bought while single and start a resort business. we were very happy to see him mature and take responsibility. amidst the fact they are opening a new business, build a self contained apartment for them to live in, she decided that Dec 2022 is the year to have church wedding and spend enormous amount of money. considering they already had a civil ceremony in 2020.
Our son somehow lost his ability to think for himself. He even jokes (truth) they don’t have enough money to buy minced beef for spaghetti so they just eat pasta instead. He told me he is tired of being hassled about finances so he left the wedding and building all to her. I could see he is under a lot of stress. He also told me they maxed up his credit card and they still owed money for building materials, flowers for the wedding amongst others.
Over the past months I have tried to ignore thing that make me wonder if our DIL is a good influence to our son for example we were looking a suitable land to build a chicken farm DIL came across horse manure and found magic mushroom growing on it. DIL decided to pursue the search for the items while in the company of potential business associates (engineers and veterinary doctor). Annoyed when their friend engages in meaning conversations with my husband and I and the attention is not on her. Sporadic cleaning craze that is documented on social media and social media post of son lovingly cuddling him .
I don’t know what to do. We moved in across our son so we can be closer to them but now my husband and I regret doing so.
Our son will only come to see us when she’s away which I understand.
He asked me to apologize to her and everything will be ok. My husband and I refused to do so, we feel she owes us apology for making us believe her child is our sons.
You and your husband sound like wonderful, caring, loving, wise individuals. It sounds, to me, that your son is being manipulated into his wife’s unhealthy world of laziness, excessiveness, and manipulation.
I imagine he must feel stressed to the max. trying to fill all her “wants” with little to no assistance from her.
It appears, at this point, he will continue on this path until he understands that his hard work ( no matter how hard he tries) is to no avail as he is dealing with an impossible situation.
Perhaps talking with him only, and gently showing him what is going on will help him open his eyes.
I am sorry for your dilelmma.
My DIL never works due to anxiety, she has family, but they are horrible. Her dad is drugs user on the streets, her mom abandoned her at 14yrs old and she lived with us for a time. She has a lot of emotional issues, this isn’t new, but they have escalated since she had my grand daughter! Even when her and my son were separated, I would support her emotionally and financially. I think we had a great relationship. She didn’t have anyone else, and I was always there for her.
Now that she has had a child, she is doing everything in her power to keep the baby from my side of the family. She won’t accept any help but financial, which she requests every couple weeks. If we don’t give her money, she punishes us with a new boundary to follow and a passive aggressive post to Facebook. When she come here with my son and the baby, she just scowls at everyone. She passively aggressively posts things to social media, that are on the lines of no one has the right to my child but me. She tells us she wants to break up with our son, but when he goes to leave, she freaks out and won’t let him. The baby is 4 months old and he isn’t allowed to take the baby out on his own, or to visit with us or anyone. When they do bring the baby, she comes and it is horrible. She stated she is anxious and won’t let others hold the baby, or takes her away from who ever is holding her. She complains that no one takes pictures of her with the baby, but then won’t let anyone post pictures anyways. She looks miserable when she is here, so why could we take her picture, she wouldn’t let us post it if we did. She is all over social media in weird videos and pictures with the baby. Tiktok, Instagram, sexy video, but with the baby?! She even showed a video of her smoking pot from a bong in the same room as the baby and thinks that okay, and basically says int he video that if you don’t like it too bad! While she is doing all this, she doesn’t let anyone else post without her permission. She yells at the baby when she cries but also won’t let anyone else try to help sooth the baby when she is frustrated. I think she is mentally unstable and I worry about the overall well being of the child, but how do you help someone that thinks everyone else is the problem?
So to cope with this, I have bought them everything they needed, everything! I help pay their rent, I offer to help in any way they need. I was there for the birth at her request. I brought meals, my mom does all their laundry, we have paid for my sons schooling. We have gone and cleaned their house, I have offered rides, I buy them groceries, I offer health advise when asked (I am a nurse), I have offered to pay for counselling, I have validated her feelings, and tried to listen and offer advise when asked. The only thing I have gotten in return is more and more boundries, and passive aggressive attacks on social media. I try to address these issues in a respectful way, but she refuses to communicate with me/us directly, she just avoids. She sends my son over alone to tell us how she feels and to set new boundaries. It’s horrible.
I have never in my life had to deal with someone so sick, and now, that sick person is holding my son and grand baby hostage. It doesn’t matter how nice i am, or how much I do that she asks, it’s never enough. The more I do what she wants, the more she hates me and the more she cuts me off from my son and grand baby.
I think she is a true narcissist and very very unstable…. I have started to withdraw. I don’t engage, I am in the process of not giving financial support any longer which I know will make things worst, but I just can’t be used anymore. I have been her only support for years and now she wants nothing to do with me. It hurts so much to be hated so much and without reason. I am not sure there is a solution, I am lost.
Am I doing the right thing, stepping back, and not assisting finically, and not asking for visits or offering help anymore? I am just not sure that I can continue to be the subject of her anger anymore, it’s emotionally draining me. I want to be in their lives sooo badly, but not at the expense of my mental health. What would you do?
Being frankly blunt but genuinely honest, the very last paragraph you wrote about your story is the only good thing you have done in your situation. I know that is really hard to hear but sick people don’t act like healthy people. True there are some who are good at fooling people for a time. However enabling these types of people no matter who they are or how they are related to you does not fix the situation or change sick people into truly healthy individuals. I am going through a similar situation with my DIL. I grew up in a very disfunctional family. No one in my family ever took responsibility for their bad behavior or ever said they were sorry. Just continual denial. I tried to keep my son away from people like that. when they become adults it is no longer your responsibility or job to rescue them or try and save them. unfortunately being an enabler only makes YOU codependent on them, that usually makes things worse even when your deeds are good and from the heart. Pull back and allow them to make their own mistakes. Don’t close the door but don’t open it everytime they cry wolf either. God bless you. Be strong, guard your heart and pray 🙏 . It’s called tough love❤️. It may not turn out the way you want (because you are not in control of them) but live your life and find your peace again❣️Your son will figure it out sooner or later. If he doesn’t, then that’s his choice.🤫
my dil were close. I had hip replacement surgery, and she stayed with me 2 days after I got home from the hospital. she worked really hard while she was here. she had a double mastectomy at a young age, so has her health issues. after my surgery, her and my son had little contact with me. now neither one of them answer my calls or reply to my texts. I don’t know what I have done wrong. I have always sent them $ and bought them things. she has an 11-year-old I adore. but they leave me out of things like his 6th graduation. I feel very hurt. I sent my son a text asking if we could have a talk. no reply. I don’t know what else to do. I’m a widow, and life is lonely.
I have one of those too too. I thought I had a good relationship , but since sh announced she is preganant its like 2 different people. She as excluded us from sharing the news with our extended family as her friends need to know before our family. My son is trying hard to please her and stays away from his family. They know the gender of the baby but wont share it with us as they are unsure if the want a gender reveal party. I am going away for 4 weeks and I said if they were having a party not to wait for me…..we were not planning on waiting for you !She beleives we spoil my son, we do to much for him. I dont beleive she has family values, and I am trying to be nice as I dont want to be excluded from my grandchilds life. Its hard to not say anything when you know her behaviour is bad. But I have decided I wont be anyones door mat.
I have just returned from several days at my son and daughter-in-laws house. I adore my son and grandchildren. The visit felt like a series of punches and you never know when or where they’re coming from. I was admonished when I spilled a few drops of water on the floor while checking my granddaughter’s water bottle because it was very light and we were heading out the door.
I think they are doing an incredible job of raising the kids and have said that, but I have had to back away from many things. It’s been difficult to bond with the grandchildren as much as I would like. We live half way across the country. I know she thinks we don’t contact them enough, but she is very dismissive of us and waiting to pounce if we say the wrong thing. It’s so painful. I don’t try to garner attention, but her behavior always makes me cry. Never in front of them. I don’t want to damage my son’s relationship. Believe me, we have to keep quiet so as not to rock the boat.
My mother-in-law wasn’t easy, but I would NEVER have been unkind to her.
There is almost 100% preference for their being with her parents over us. They have a lot more money and ability to entertain. Also, her family is far more competitive and very sports-minded than we are. Our son has always been interested in sports, where we are not. We’re just different, and in her mind, I believe, inferior. I also believe she speaks to her family about us. My brother overheard my daughter-in-law’s mother talking negatively about him at their wedding. He was very hurt.
To sum it up, I am pretty sure we are a disappointment to her. As I said, it’s been extraordinarily painful, but we try to stay out of the way as much as possible to allow our son the happiest possible life. He loves us, but from an early age, he showed a preference for the finer things in life. We try to keep up, but we just can’t.
Sorry for the long ramble. It’s just a fresh wound. I will process and move on until the next round.