Questions about Narcissism Part 3

Question 1: How do I prepare to leave the narcissist?

I have just started the attempts to get my life on track again after a year and a half of living with my seemingly narcissistic boyfriend and his definitely narcissistic mother. I feel like his mother brings out the worst in him, which further aggravated things in our relationship. And I’ve been trying not to break up with him because most days I truly believe is not him that’s the problem. The real root problem is his mother. Well I just got a job and I’m looking to move out in 4 months at least and I’m wondering what I should expect. Really I’ll only be moving around the corner, but it’ll be my space again. I tried to make this an &;quot;us&;quot; decision but my boyfriend is seemingly non committal about moving in with me later or us moving together because he’s got his room and his office at the house with his mom. I fear that he’s trying to have his cake and eat it too. Have the option of living with me, but the supposed comfort of his own room/office/space at home. But it’s that space at home with his mother that brings out the worst in him. So I guess my question is, how do I emotionally prepare myself to leave him (but not break up yet) in order to get away from his mother? I always say that if we broke up because of the tensions in place by his mother and I leave, he’ll still have his mother at the end of the day. And that’s not awesome. Is there a possibility that the spell of his dependent narcissistic mother will be broken if I’m gone? And he’ll go back to normal if we’re living together away from his mother? Because she’s really bringing out the worst in us and it is not attractive.

A: There is no way to know for sure how he will react to you moving out, but based on his noncommittal responses, I would say nothing is going to change. He will most likely stay at his mother’s house. And he will blame you for everything that went wrong and for “abandoning” him. Your intense dislike of his mother is putting him in the middle- not a good place to be. It is no wonder he is full of conflict and noncommittal responses- it is a no-win situation for him. His mother may be despicable and “bring out the worst in him”– but where is HIS responsibility for HIS actions? He sounds like an immature “mama’s boy” and that is not likely to change anytime soon. To help you stay yet prepare to leave read,” Living with a Narcissist if You Can’t Leave“, “How to Leave a Narcissist” and “How to end a Narcissistic Relationship“.

Question 2: The Healing process

My relationship ended two times in the last 42 years. I finally moved out of state to live with my son. To this day he still calls after a time of silence and has yet to apologize and has never admitted to anything. I have been told recently what else can you make up with your vivid imagination . The bed was never moved in the room. I’m crazy, it moved when he changed the sheets. Even though it’s an old Mediterranean style that weighs a ton Channing sheets when we were together the bed never moved. I have witness’s that saw him in the bar with her. He admitted he gave her a ride home but doesn’t give a s**t about her. He is so out of it with his gas lighting that he thinks I can’t figure it out. I just want to know if I will get it through my head he is a Narcissist and I am sane. It’s been 42 years and I finally searched for books on surviving. However, I have to get them out and read them over and over, so am I ok? Or does he have me trapped. I have to continually go back and validate to myself I’m not cray, is this normal in the healing process.

A: Yes, it is normal, especially as you have been gaslighted and manipulated for 42 years. You will have good days and bad days but you WILL get your “self” back and become more confident about your sanity and emotionally strong as time goes on. Don’t wait for an apology- it will not be forthcoming. If he is still engaging in “crazy-making” with you, why are you still talking to him? The sane thing to do now is to go No Contact. Please read the article on going No Contact. At first you will think of a dozen reasons why you HAVE to call him- they are all excuses. You won’t be able to fully heal until you get him OUT of your life.

Question 3: Is Narcissism culture dependent?

I think I know the answer to this-are men from other cultures like Asia and/ or India more narcissistic than some American males?

A: A classic narcissist- as in full blown NPD- knows no geographical boundaries. It is true that in some cultures mild narcissistic behaviors or narcissistic tendencies are encouraged but that does not mean those men are all narcissists–they will just have a few specific behaviors at a milder degree than a true narcissist. Those men still have empathy and don’t engage in gaslighting. Cultures that place an emphasis on the individualare more likely to see manifestations of narcissism than cultures that emphasize the ‘greater good’.

About Alexander Burgemeester

5 Responses to “Questions about Narcissism Part 3”

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  1. Diane says:

    I was blinded-side by this latest silent delivered just after the NPD boyfriend of three years (off and on) asked me to join him for the last three days of his two week vacation out of the country–at my own expense. I said no, I couldn’t afford it and asked him to at least put it on his credit card and I would pay him back. He had a temper tantrum and that was the last I have heard from him. Just in time for him to overlook my birthday. Reading the volumes of online postings, analysis, etc on this topic–has helped me understand both the disorder — that I didn’t know had a name and my role in drawing him to me.

    I seem to be mostly fine. But the passive aggressive silent treatment for reasons I don’t understand, hits me like a sharp punch to the gut every now and . For me, it is the worst form of dismissal. It is the same as saying you don’t exist. Perhaps ending a relationship is never easy but at our age–i am 65 and he is 73–it is inconceivable that an adult of a certain age would behave this way. On top of that, we have known each other for 30 years.

    Believe me, this was not the only sign. I go down the check lists and it all adds up. I truly understand that the best thing at this point is no contact. I don’t believe I want him as a friend at this point.

    At this point, I am the problem. I have to learn to disengage and not subject myself to abusive treatment again. Can you give me advice that will let me reclaim the self esteem that I have allowed him to trample on?

    • Robin says:

      Time, reading articles like this will help. I just finally got mean told him to stay the hell away from me. It seems like it may work as he deleted me from fb and I haven’t heard from him. You cannot be friends. Not now maybe never. He knows how to get to you and even trying to be friends just gives him the end he needs. I’m expecting to hear how crazy I am and what a b***h I am etc since he has to make himself out to be the victim of my terrible personality. So be prepared to hear a lot about yourself from people u know. Blow it off we givers are game for a narc. Work on you and don’t see anyone right now, read learn what I’ll can about yourself to avoid getting caught up in the same situation. Heal yourself before dating again. Good luck to us both. It hurts but it is a game that will never end for them as they see nothing wrong with their behavior.

  2. JPJ says:

    Dianne, give yourself a pat on the back and then run AFAYC in the opposite direction from this abuser. At 73, he will never change, so you have saved yourself by saying the word NPD`s hate…NO!.
    He disappeared….and I think that Alexander would agree…because he had lost control of you and a big “supply” source to keep his parasitic life going.
    Narc`s suck you dry and leave you exhausted. Realize it for what it is, regroup and get ready for the next bloodsucker……..the world is full of them.

  3. Cindy says:

    I have been in an on again off again relationship for 12years and now two kids later realize my partner fits the narcissistic personality disorder in every way. My last deal breaker is that cheating is involved and it’s time for me to end the relationship. What advice can you give when there’s children involved and “no contact” would be impossible?

  4. Lin Woodruff says:

    I need advise..I am living with a passive aggressive narcissistic roommate who presents symptoms of being bi-polar.She attempts to sabotage every step I take to get out of this house.I am planning to leave this area in less than 2 months and I just need to know how to keep the peace for 8 weeks.I realize that she is not capable of genuine friendship and is toxic…are there any thoughts on the matter?

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