As the late, great Bob Marley once asked, “Is this love that I’m feeling?”
Hey, there’s every chance you think it is. The butterflies, the attention, the affection; it feels wonderful. But the question I pose is, is it genuine?
You see, it’s totally possible to ignore red flags because you believe you’re instead looking at love. It’s possible to be blindsided by charm when you’re dealing with a total snake.
10 red flags you might have ignored during your time with a narcissist are right here, and trust me, none of them were love.
Love Is All You Need, But Not All You’re Getting
When you need love, but you just can’t seem to get it, a narcissist coming along will make you think you’ve struck gold.
Anything they do that is good will make you feel good, but that can be where your rose-tinted glasses create a distortion that results in you getting stuck in a situation that is equal measures of dangerous and toxic.
We all want love, but mistaking a narcissist for somebody who loves you is the biggest mistake you can make, even if it’s something you need.
#1 When they promised to love you forever
I love you is powerful. When the right person says it to you, it is beautiful, and there’s nothing quite like the feeling of knowing you’re in a respected, honest relationship with somebody who wants to protect your heart.
Your heart is pure and good, and that’s why you believe them. It feels amazing too.
When you think about your past and how you just wanted to be loved, it feels like everything’s falling into place for you now. You finally found somebody.
So when this red flag makes itself known, and they treat you unfairly or discard you entirely, you will wonder what they meant by their phrase. And worryingly, more and more people are seeing it as, “Well, they do love me.”
I think it’s important to admit to yourself that love isn’t mistreatment. It can’t be, when it symbolizes everything that opposes that action.
#2 The attention they gave you
And you liked it, didn’t you? I don’t blame you. The beginning of a relationship when everything feels perfect is exciting.
But it is how you get to know each other that proves nobody and nothing is perfect. Narcissists will try to maintain that perfection right until you’re hooked enough to fall for everything they do and say.
The attention they give you is no different. In fact, narcissists are so good at giving you what you need when they want because they firmly believe it’s enough validation for you to prove their love.
As time went on, that attention would have gotten less and less, as eventually it turned into bread crumbs of affection.
Rarely, they will make you feel good, but it will be just enough to tell you that they still care.
This is a huge red flag. Why should attention be so intermittent, and the bare minimum at that?
#3 The crazy amount of time they invested
What kind of person throws in so much time with somebody if all they’re going to do is eventually abuse and walk away? The answer will hurt you, but go with it.
Narcissists need to invest in you if they want your value to skyrocket. If you are buying into their lies, you’re offering a supply that they not only want, but need.
You’re the answer to their problems, and they will work you for years if it means they continue to get what they want from you.
That is not love.
#4 Being their everything
Where are their friends? Where are their hobbies? Why does everything have to revolve around you? Why is their entire life centered on you?
It always will be at the start. As soon as that mask starts to slip, you’ll see them start to do more and more and pull away.
That’s when you panic and think they’re leaving you or becoming distant. When you raise that, they call you needy or selfish for wanting to be around them all the time.
The false start to your relationship will always be what comes back to bite you.
#5 Having everything in common
Of course you do. The narcissist will meet and mirror you so that you believe you’ve found your soulmate.
I can’t believe how much we get along.
They have the same fears as I do!
I thought I was the only one.
You think you’re two peas in a pod, which means you never want to leave that pod.
It’s all fun and games until they dig out your fears and use them to trigger you into a reaction six months down the line.
#6 The anger bursts followed by an apology
Anger and apologies are normal to a point in healthy relationships. Reflecting and assessing the emotional damage is important, as well as taking responsibility for upsetting your spouse. Most importantly, you don’t do it again.
Anger in narcissists is on another level, and is usually consistent and constant throughout their relationships.
Apologies come predictably, but they don’t mean anything if the same pain is coming through the next day all over again. This is a huge red flag, and your emotions should be more settled than this.
#7 “I can’t live without you”
They can’t live without your supply. They see you as a person who is able to give them exactly the right level of tears and attention, so they want you to know that they can’t see their life without you.
You take that as, “I am so in love with you, I never want this to end.”
The mistake is believing that thought to be real, even though you’re only good enough until you are no longer good enough.
#8 “Don’t ever leave me”
Wait, what? You’re being told to never leave the person, so you naturally say, “I don’t have plans to.”
You’ve just signed a verbal agreement to tolerate whatever the narcissist throws at you because you said you’d stay.
It’s a red flag to be openly asked to stay no matter how you’re treated.
The answer should be, “If you treat me respectfully, I will stay with you.”
Love has conditions, here. You need to set a standard for yourself.
#9 Charm isn’t charming
Being nice is nice, and being warm is wonderful. Being charming is actually quite creepy when you can spot the signs in somebody. It’s like watching the worst kind of TV character come to life, and you just want to get away from them.
It’s overly everything. And if you’re not used to anything,then everything will feel like the dream.
It’s not. It’s a nightmare that you can sidestep if you spot the red flag.
#10 Being swept up… and away
Here are some examples of what it feels like to be swept up by a narcissist from people I’ve worked with:
It feels like you can’t breathe, but that you’ll still be okay.
It’s as if you’re in a timelapse.
You don’t have time to think.
You don’t have time to question anything.
You feel like you go from zero to one hundred, and the newness feels exhilarating.
The whole idea of meeting somebody is taking the time to get to know them. Narcissists don’t give you that, they just see you as somebody they want to sweep off their feet so you fall in love quickly enough to know you don’t want it to end.
