Outsmarting a narcissist can be something all of us have the power to do, we just need to know how to unlock that power.
A good start is by diving a little deeper into the world of psychology, and remembering that there are answers in how you present to them, and how readily available you make yourself.
With these little traps, you’re guaranteed to knock their confidence and let your inner power do the talking, while they are left confused by your pull back.
#1 They want cold, calculated chaos, you give them…
Calm.
That’s the best place to start, and the one drop of advice I have for anybody who wants to outsmart a narcissist.
Where you have previously got tied and tangled up in chaos, in shouting, in screaming, in crying, in falling on your knees and begging them to love you…
…Stop.
Giving them your chaos is like giving a kid the biggest ice cream in the world.
It will send them into an extreme high seeing you lose yourself in the very moment they set you up to lose yourself in.
Narcissists don’t seek love, they seek control, so when you give them calm, you take away the very control they’ve had over you.
If they’re looking for a fight, they’re not going to get one with you any longer.
And that is real power.
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#2 Gray rock both day and night
I cannot tell you this enough:
Going gray rock will save your life.
When you think about being on a gorgeous beach filled with glistening pebbles and interestingly textured rocks, be the most boring one you can find.
That is the gray rock method.
Be boring. Be so uninteresting that they let you go through their need to replace you with more responsive supply.
When they’re poking you for information, or even wanting a reaction from you, shrug your shoulders.
Say, “Okay.” “Uh-huh.” Nod your head. Walk away. When they ask how your day went, you say, “It was okay.”
Don’t swing too far to either side of the emotional pendulum, and the narcissist will scratch their head in confusion.
Why aren’t you giving them more?
Why don’t you seem bothered?
Why are you so boring?
They will hate that you are this person with nothing to extract from.
Learn it, learn it today! I promise you it will work, but only after you’ve given yourself enough time to adjust to it.
It does take a little time and patience, but you have to prove to yourself that you are a person not to be messed with.
#3 Do it anyway
You know when you really want to do something, but before you’ve even given it a second thought, you’ve talked your way out of it?
Yeah. It’s a familiar story with victims of narcissistic abuse. Somewhere in their minds, they’ve heard the narcissist tell them they’re not good enough in a thousand different ways.
Some are more direct than others, but ultimately if they’re driving words into you that are intended to make you back away from the things you love doing, they’re saying those words for that very reason.
The responsibility of how you live your life solely rests with you, and I think many forget that we all possess this power.
Whether we believe we can do those things or not is another thing, but the opportunity to try is there 100% of the time.
Narcissists will whittle that 100% down to 0.001% over time, but it’s up to you to claw those percentages back into your favor.
The class you want to take, the new language you want to learn, the trip you want to embark on, the new job you like the sound of, the friend you want to see for drinks but the narcissist is guilt tripping you for…?
Do it all anyway.
What have you got to lose?
Live your life and take away their fear of you being a better, more rounded and confident person than they are, because ultimately these are the reasons they’re preventing you in the first place.
#4 Treat them like they’re an option
You don’t have to rely on a narcissist to feel like you are of value in this world.
All the while you know them, they will treat you like a commodity, and they will be able to replace you if the worst happens.
So, why do you give them so much of your hope, love and admiration? They are not Gods or Goddesses, but they are toxic and will leave you the moment you no longer fit into their game plan.
So treat them like they’re an option. You don’t need to put all your eggs into their basket.
I can’t stress this enough, so please make sure whatever you decide to do in your life, that you do not create a situation where you are feeling as though the narcissist is the only person for you.
They’re not.
Instead, they’re a choice you made, and a choice you can leave and walk away from if you need or want to.
As soon as they see how unbothered you are, they know they won’t be able to control you as much as they’d like to.
And I’d say that’s good news for you!
#5 Slow your contact
Contact can be in many forms, and I want you to think about the kind of psychological trap that would work for the narcissist you know.
It’s only in our own circumstances that we can find the best solution to the problems we face, but there are options.
For starters, there is going totally no contact. If they think you’re willing to continue with the current dynamics for the rest of your life, they’ve got another thing coming. You can easily just tell yourself no, I’m not doing this any more.
When you go no contact, you’re saying goodbye to the abuse, and you’re stopping it right at the source.
That’s not to say you won’t miraculously be healed overnight, but the narcissist will fall apart at this sudden, seismic shift and wonder what to do next.
You might find they try many attempts to get hold of you, or trigger you into caving in and letting them back into your life.
You might find your name smeared all over town like jam on bread, and discover that you lose people who side with them along the way.
If your decision is to slow up your contact, you can easily find breathing room in that space to grow a little and by default give the narcissist something to feel crazy about.
Either trap works, I can promise you that. The moment the narcissist realizes they haven’t got you under their thumb any more, they will know you’re doing something to outsmart them in some way.
It’s also worth noting that this new found freedom tastes pretty good, and as much as guilt may try to reel you back in, you have to continue doing what will inevitably save you.
Surrendering some or all of your contact with your abuser is a sure fire way to get started.
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