So, you went to the chapel, and you got married…
…And now you’re asking if it really was the chapel of love.
Well – if you have married a narcissist, it’s not going to be the chapel of love. It will be the chapel of misery – and that’s just the beginning.
The questions you start to ask yourself. The suspicion that they aren’t who they say they were.
As it all begins to come together, you ask yourself the most fateful question of all…
…Did I marry a narcissist?
Well, here’s how you know.
It Didn’t Seem That Way At First
I can’t stress this enough – but when you first meet a narcissist – you’re not always going to spot them.
In fact, the more covert they are, the more difficult this is. Narcissists don’t want you knowing the truth about them the second, minute, day, week or even month you meet.
They have a motive, and that takes a little time to unpack.
Ideally, the narcissist needs you to fall into every single trick they offer and unknowingly fall for the charm, wit, and fake promises that fall out of their mouth.
Once you do, they often seal the deal with a ring, which does nothing but make victims feel:
- Wanted
- Loved
- Valued
- Appreciated
- Admired
The romance is happening! Their time has finally come! Somebody is truly head over heels for them, and they are over the moon!
Fairytale, right?
Wrong!
What Was I Looking For?
You were looking for somebody to show you that you are lovable, somebody to make you think, “Yes, I am worthy.
I am capable of finding love and experiencing it, and I am good enough for somebody.”
It ticks all the boxes of the victim.
So when the proposal comes around, saying yes is the only option, and their blissful unawareness of the truth is hidden by lies, smiles and manipulation, all under the guise of love.
You were looking for genuine emotions, and you got yourself a good actor.
What Did I Fall For?
I love you so much.
Please never leave me. I don’t know what I’d do without you.
You’re everything to me.
There’s nobody else like you.
I can’t imagine not knowing you.
Comments like these will make the most uncertain and insecure of hearts be drawn to them, and narcissists know that.
You feel for the pretense, and many do.
But what exactly happened in order for you to fall the way you did?
In short – you believed them.
You believed their words and the odd time they ‘showed you’ they love you. Let’s look at what that may have looked like.
What Happened Over Time?
Reflecting honestly on how you met, did it feel like you were being rescued?
Many victims of narcissistic abuse find that they felt as though the narcissist came along and saved them.
From loneliness to low confidence. From another abusive relationship or from the feeling that they could never really be loved.
It takes time for the narcissist to get under your skin, namely because they’re working hard to get to know you and all your vulnerabilities.
- Narcissists tap into their partners weaknesses. They can ask about their fears or triggers. What worries them or makes them sad or frustrated.
- Over time, these very things are used against their partner. Purposely done to unnerve them, the narcissist can then swoop in and be seen to be the ones to save or fix them.
- In other words, they break something and are first in line to also fix it.
Intimacy Can Be Something Silently Understood
Well, your version of intimacy and that of the narcissist is going to be wildly different.
What do you think about when you hear intimacy?
I’ll help you out here.
To emotionally normal people, intimacy looks like:
- Physical. Think beyond the obvious ‘sex’ here, and consider hugging, laying together in bed talking, kissing, holding hands, or any kind of affectionate or arousing touch.
- Emotional: sharing thoughts or feelings, talking through vulnerabilities or worries, being a shoulder to cry on or being listened to, exploring your goals or dreams, or making plans together. Anything emotional that involves expressing your needs would go here.
- Social intimacy. What do you do as a couple? What interests do you share that you can grow together in?
- Spiritual intimacy. Do you reflect on your spiritual practice, whatever it may be? Does it differ to your partners If so, how do you compromise and allow respect and space?
All of these kinds of intimacy make a healthy relationship exactly that: healthy. If huge chunks are missing, or worse, even elements – there will be trouble ahead.
Signs You May Have Married a Narcissist
Looking at the signs you may have married a narcissist will be what you base your current situation on. I hope these are helpful to you, either way.
Clarity is so important.
1. They Have Changed
Yes. The mask can and will fall off if you marry a narcissist. No person can sustain pretense for that long, and eventually as time goes on, the charm they wore when the two of you met will disappear entirely.
The first signs of that happening will be when they take you by surprise. Perhaps how they react to something, speak to you, or treat you.
2. Promises Fade
You notice they make promises to keep you happy, but these promises are rarely, if at all, fulfilled.
It leaves you feeling disappointed, and you realize in fact that they’re nothing but lies.
3. You Feel Yourself Changing
Over the years we all change as we grow and learn more about life. But these changes are more about you.
You stop smiling. Your anxiety rises. You feel sad, almost alone. Nobody seems to understand what you’re going through.
You lose confidence in yourself and what you’re capable of. You know something isn’t right, but you can’t put your finger on it.
Change like this is never good.
4. You Start To Worry About Their Moods
What mood will they wake up in?
Are they going to come home mad?
Will they take it out on me again?
It shouldn’t be like this with a spouse, but narcissists act this way to ensure you’re always living in a state of intimidation around them. You’re too afraid to confront them but know it’s not right.
These differing moods can leave you feeling confused, and suddenly you spend most of your days trying to predict moods so you can prepare mentally for them.
Narcissists, for that reason, will always keep their moods secret until they’re ready to reveal them.
That’s when it always takes you by surprise.
Sadly in marriages with narcissists, this is so common.
