So, you went to the chapel, and you got married…

…And now you’re asking if it really was the chapel of love.

Well – if you have married a narcissist, it’s not going to be the chapel of love. It will be the chapel of misery – and that’s just the beginning.

The questions you start to ask yourself. The suspicion that they aren’t who they say they were.

As it all begins to come together, you ask yourself the most fateful question of all…

…Did I marry a narcissist?

Well, here’s how you know.

It Didn’t Seem That Way At First

I can’t stress this enough – but when you first meet a narcissist – you’re not always going to spot them.

In fact, the more covert they are, the more difficult this is. Narcissists don’t want you knowing the truth about them the second, minute, day, week or even month you meet. 

They have a motive, and that takes a little time to unpack.

Ideally, the narcissist needs you to fall into every single trick they offer and unknowingly fall for the charm, wit, and fake promises that fall out of their mouth. 

Once you do, they often seal the deal with a ring, which does nothing but make victims feel:

• Wanted
• Loved
• Valued
• Appreciated
• Admired

The romance is happening! Their time has finally come! Somebody is truly head over heels for them, and they are over the moon!

Fairytale, right?

Wrong!

What Was I Looking For?

You were looking for somebody to show you that you are lovable, somebody to make you think, “Yes, I am worthy.

I am capable of finding love and experiencing it, and I am good enough for somebody.”

It ticks all the boxes of the victim.

So when the proposal comes around, saying yes is the only option, and their blissful unawareness of the truth is hidden by lies, smiles and manipulation, all under the guise of love. 

You were looking for genuine emotions, and you got yourself a good actor. 

What Did I Fall For?

I love you so much.

Please never leave me. I don’t know what I’d do without you. 

You’re everything to me.

There’s nobody else like you.

I can’t imagine not knowing you.

Comments like these will make the most uncertain and insecure of hearts be drawn to them, and narcissists know that. 

You feel for the pretense, and many do. 

But what exactly happened in order for you to fall the way you did?

In short – you believed them.

You believed their words and the odd time they ‘showed you’ they love you. Let’s look at what that may have looked like.

What Happened Over Time?

Reflecting honestly on how you met, did it feel like you were being rescued?

Many victims of narcissistic abuse find that they felt as though the narcissist came along and saved them.

From loneliness to low confidence. From another abusive relationship or from the feeling that they could never really be loved. 

It takes time for the narcissist to get under your skin, namely because they’re working hard to get to know you and all your vulnerabilities.

• Narcissists tap into their partners weaknesses. They can ask about their fears or triggers. What worries them or makes them sad or frustrated. 

• Over time, these very things are used against their partner. Purposely done to unnerve them, the narcissist can then swoop in and be seen to be the ones to save or fix them. 

• In other words, they break something and are first in line to also fix it. 

Intimacy Can Be Something Silently Understood

Well, your version of intimacy and that of the narcissist is going to be wildly different. 

What do you think about when you hear intimacy?

I’ll help you out here.

To emotionally normal people, intimacy looks like:

• Physical. Think beyond the obvious ‘intimacy’ here, and consider hugging, laying together in bed talking, kissing, holding hands, or any kind of affectionate or arousing touch. 

• Emotional: sharing thoughts or feelings, talking through vulnerabilities or worries, being a shoulder to cry on or being listened to, exploring your goals or dreams, or making plans together. Anything emotional that involves expressing your needs would go here.

• Social intimacy. What do you do as a couple? What interests do you share that you can grow together in?

• Spiritual intimacy. Do you reflect on your spiritual practice, whatever it may be? Does it differ to your partners If so, how do you compromise and allow respect and space? 

All of these kinds of intimacy make a healthy relationship exactly that: healthy. If huge chunks are missing, or worse, even elements – there will be trouble ahead. 

Signs You May Have Married a Narcissist

Looking at the signs you may have married a narcissist will be what you base your current situation on. I hope these are helpful to you, either way.

Clarity is so important.

1. They Have Changed

Yes. The mask can and will fall off if you marry a narcissist. No person can sustain pretense for that long, and eventually as time goes on, the charm they wore when the two of you met will disappear entirely. 

The first signs of that happening will be when they take you by surprise. Perhaps how they react to something, speak to you, or treat you. 

2. Promises Fade

You notice they make promises to keep you happy, but these promises are rarely, if at all, fulfilled.

It leaves you feeling disappointed, and you realize in fact that they’re nothing but lies. 

3. You Feel Yourself Changing

Over the years we all change as we grow and learn more about life. But these changes are more about you.

You stop smiling. Your anxiety rises. You feel sad, almost alone. Nobody seems to understand what you’re going through.

You lose confidence in yourself and what you’re capable of. You know something isn’t right, but you can’t put your finger on it. 

Change like this is never good. 

4. You Start To Worry About Their Moods

What mood will they wake up in?

Are they going to come home mad?

Will they take it out on me again?

It shouldn’t be like this with a spouse, but narcissists act this way to ensure you’re always living in a state of intimidation around them. You’re too afraid to confront them but know it’s not right.

These differing moods can leave you feeling confused, and suddenly you spend most of your days trying to predict moods so you can prepare mentally for them. 

Narcissists, for that reason, will always keep their moods secret until they’re ready to reveal them.

That’s when it always takes you by surprise. 

Sadly in marriages with narcissists, this is so common.

You’re Shocked to See Where Narcissists Really End Up!

Narcissists just seem to annoyingly have it all, don’t they? 

You might think to yourself, “How do they get away with so much?”

Well, honestly, it’s because they’re experts at playing the game they wrote.

It can all change though, dear reader. And indeed – it does.

Where the narcissist ends up is going to shock you, and make you realize just how one moment can alter everything.

Narcissists: The Perfect Life

It’s the perfect painted picture, isn’t it? Narcissists want to be perfect, and they try very hard to ensure that image is kept up, no matter what.

They will make out like nothing is their fault. They want to be hard workers, so people know just how seriously they take their responsibilities.

They love to honor themselves by providing the best material goods you can think of. They want that nice car, big house, fancy clothes, and the latest phone.

On paper, they have it all. They project the perfect life to the world, so that world sees them as perfect. 

What Do You Think?

Of course, we know they aren’t perfect – far from it, in fact!

There’s a part of some people who are really familiar with narcissists who know the trajectory ahead.

Before I get to that point though, I want you to think of one narcissist that you know. They might be a family member, a friend, somebody you work with, or even your spouse. 

Once you have them locked firmly in your mind, I want you to think about how they are right now.

Are they more impossible than usual? Maybe they have a past of always getting what they want, and just being extremely lucky. 

They have good health. They have great contacts. They live in a nice house that you wish you owned. They don’t seem to rattle many cages, and they’re well respected both personally and professionally. 

It’s all unfair, isn’t it? Especially when you know who they really are.

Without You..

This is the worst part – the part you know and are familiar with…

…Narcissists are nothing without you. They build their entire egotistical empire on making you feel the worst you’ve ever felt, and that’s what causes them to exceed even their own expectations.

But as soon as you throw a spanner in the works – as soon as the dynamics shift in any way, the narcissist’s mask and character begin to crumble.

They realize they cannot function without knowing they can openly abuse you at any moment.

They want it to continue for as long as possible, but they know it can’t because you’ve gone, left, or figured out who they are.

You’ve discovered the truth. 

And That Is Why They Need You

They can’t play their game unless you sign up for it, and when you walk away, the game is officially over. 

You have to remember this, friends, because it’s what is going to get you through your worst days with the narcissist:

They truly need you more than you need them.

You’ve been programmed to believe you need them and cannot survive without them, but that simply isn’t the case. 

The reality is that they can only do what they do because they have an open door to it.

When you shut that door, everything changes.

The Downfall

The downfall is almost immediate but not necessarily obvious to all. 

You’ll notice a withdrawal. The narcissist is temporarily at a loss. Yes, they can move onto their next victim, but what if they have run out of people to manipulate? 

What if there is no charm left in their charm bucket?

It’s easy to notice narcissists look lost when they don’t know how to operate the people around them to their advantage. 

They’ve used up all their options, and now it’s time to watch the demise. 

…Even The Deterioration!

I have had conversations in the past with people I’ve met or know about their narcissistic parent. 

When they were younger, the parent thrived knowing they could power play their children and spouse.

Work was busy and they were always trying to produce ways to make everybody around them feel small.

As they aged, so did their character.

It became harder to manipulate children who were suddenly adults, with more power to hold a thought, opinion, or goal they wanted to achieve. 

They feel lost, and try to claw control wherever they can. Often that can look like lashing out, or trying to triangulate wherever possible.

They play on their age, with phrases like:

I used to be so much fitter than I am now.

I’m getting older. Nobody understands or sees me.

I’m poorly. Nobody helps me.

I wish I could turn the clock back.

It’s really as if they’re playing their own sad violin song, isn’t it? You almost want to roll your eyes because you know they’re playing on their age.

Aging is actually a privilege not everybody gets to experience, and that’s something worth remembering. 

The problem with narcissists is how they use their age like it’s some kind of mental incapacitation. 

They’re still very able to be narcissists. 

They just fool less people.

Going Nowhere: Fast

The narcissist is declining! 

It’s fast-moving – and I have to say that if you think it’s enjoyable – you wouldn’t be the first person with that opinion. 

Finally, the day comes when not everything goes their way. 

People get fed up with them blowing hot and cold.

There’s a shift in how they feel they deserve to be treated.

They understand the correlation between feeling negative and being around the narcissist.

They start to want to achieve goals for themselves and understand the narcissist is the one who holds them back.

Life starts wanting to be lived, and all the while those people are growing into theirs, the narcissists are shrinking.

Narcissistic abuse is only possible when you consciously or subconsciously give yourself up to the narcissist. 

If you start to put yourself first, the narcissist has no choice. 

And no – they don’t like it – but guess what…

…It’s not up to them.

There’s Never a Happy Ending

When it comes to narcissists, they never have a happy ending. They are infamous for becoming more and more impossible in older age.

Their stubbornness becomes almost petulant. 

They crave being able to control the people they once did.

Their grudges are bigger than ever. 

They understand that they are not the person they once were.

Narcissists end up miserable, sad and lonely. They always were, but these emotions become more prominent as they age. 

They never start caring, nor do they regret how they have acted.

It would be your mistake to assume they ever will, or do.

How Do Narcissists Manipulate Their Partners?

Narcissists are happiest when they have a partner they can twist, manipulate and control.

They love to be part of something where everybody else is smaller and less powerful than they are. Their lives then have meaning, just as they feel they should every day.

There are specific ways a narcissist will manipulate their partners, though. As troubling as it may sound, these are textbook ways – and that’s where you need to pay close attention.

If this sounds like your situation, that’s because it likely is.

“My Reality is Fact!”

The reality is that you’re being manipulated by someone who has had much practice. They’ve been exactly where they are now, except with different victims. 

“You’re Nothing!”

Being told how worthless you are does a few things.

For the narcissist, it brings them to a new level of control and manipulation. If you hear something enough times, you will start to believe it. 

You believe it even more when you’re treated that way alongside those words. 

It’s all a tactic, created to destroy your hopes and dreams, your identity, and how you carry yourself each day. 

Where you once stood tall, you now slouch and try to be invisible.

That’s exactly how the narcissist wants you. 

“It’s Your Fault, Not Mine!”

Narcissists project to get whatever they’ve done wrong out of the light. They don’t want their faults or inappropriate actions to be spotted, and so they throw you out there instead.

So everybody looks at you. The narcissist looks at you as if they feel let down by you. 

And you feel that shame, because you take it on. And you take it on because they’ve pushed it so far into you that you have no choice. 

This design is set up to get them off the hook.

Thank God you are there for them to treat you this way – without you – they just might look like the bad guy.

Phew for them!

“…”

That’s right, the good old silent treatment. The way narcissists do this is by completely shutting down and ignoring you. 

If you’ve experienced it, I don’t need to tell you how uncomfortable it is. It induces panic, fear and worry, and like all things narcissists do, it is unnecessary. 

The silent treatment acts to give you nothing at all, so it’s easy for the narcissist to say, “Well, I didn’t say anything horrible. I wasn’t mean,” Then make excuses for them being quiet. 

When you’ve been given the silent treatment, you are left to your own insecure devices.

What did I do wrong?

How can I fix this?

What can I do to make them happy?

I must be a terrible person.

What’s going to happen next?

Do you need this?

No.

Yet they make it so prevalent in your world. 

It isn’t fair. 

“I Must Cause Fallout”

 What is life without a little drama? Actually, it’s quite nice. But then again, I’m speaking as an emotionally healthy person, and not a narcissist. 

The idea that drama is of such greedy interest to the narcissist is one that never fails to shock me. Why would anybody want to be in the middle of so much negativity?

Narcissists do. As people and emotions explode around them, they can act and do what they like and not be seen to be doing anything wrong at all.

Be careful here – narcissists want to pull strings to see a certain dynamic. 

If you’re a part of that, you will suffer. 

“Poor Me…”

The victim mentality of a narcissist can stop the most believing people in their tracks.

It’s all been too much for me.

I try my best.

I don’t know what I do wrong to upset people. 

I wish people would understand me.

These phrases tug at the heartstrings of those who want to give them the benefit of the doubt, and sadly – yes – it works. 

Narcissists always want to look as though they’re being wronged.

This injects:

• Guilt
• Shame
• Self-blame
• Self-loathing
• Insecurity
• Worry
• Anxiety
• Depression

In their partners, and they know this. 

They just don’t care.  

“Bringing You Back, Get Ready!”

Let’s take you back to a time where we were so in love, and everything was perfect!

We are so great, you and me. It was us against the world!

Think about all that passion we had. You’re never going to be able to find that anywhere else.

Oh, the manipulation game is strong with these kinds of phrases. They love getting you at your most vulnerable, reflecting on the distorted nostalgia between you.

It’s enough to make you paint over all the cracks in between, isn’t it? And there were a lot of those. 

What’s manipulative about this is the narcissist’s attempt to invite you to ignore their abuse, and only focus on the good (which was likely to have felt magical!) 

Don’t get sucked into this black hole.

“I Will Tell Everybody!”

Uh-oh. What’s that supposed to mean?

I think you and I both know this is not going to end well with you,

Narcissists will tell whoever listens what a horrible person you are and how you wronged them. They may stretch as far as saying that you are the cheater, you hurt them, you spread lies about them and you’re the manipulative one. 

It’s frustrating for victims, but beyond that, it’s absolutely destructive. 

Suddenly, your reputation is in tatters. It’s all based on the false word of the narcissist, who, by the way, is likely loving seeing your house of bricks fall down while their house of cards remains. 

“Nice, But Not!”

You go out, they act like the perfect partner.

You get home, and they ignore you.

You did this wrong, you did that wrong, you didn’t pay them enough attention, you flirted with that person.

Whatever it is, the charm will switch off. The mask will inevitably slip.

This is where the narcissist has learned not just to manipulate you but also to manipulate everybody else, too. They all think, “What a nice person. They’re such a good couple.”

Also the best one, 

“You’re so lucky to have them as your partner!”

Oh boy, if only they knew the truth, right? 

The truth is, you aren’t lucky. The narcissist is just very clever. They know buttons to press, when to press them, who to press them with, and they are always ready for it. 

You on the other hand then find it even more difficult to convince people of the truth.