You’ve met the narcissist, and things are going well (or so you think).
They’ve questioned you about your past and you’ve given up a lot of information about yourself, personal information that you felt comfortable enough to share.
Now it’s your turn to do the asking, but the narcissist steps back in panic. They don’t know what to say, and become visibly flummoxed.
Why is that?
I’m here to explain everything.
#1 It’s crazy to think they question you
Yet it’s so true! Meeting a narcissist might seem like a fairytale, but they get straight to the core of your being by jumping in and asking so many personal questions about you.
For those who have grown up in a house with parents who neglected them, this kind of attention can seem like real care and almost affection, too.
If you had to fight for your parents’ love, it seems too good to be true to sit before somebody who is paying so much of their mind to what you’re saying.
Finally, I feel like I’m being heard.
This person gets me.
I can be myself and tell them anything.
Let me just say though, that if something feels too good to be true, that’s because it usually is.
If you’re being questioned a lot, and those questions circle and linger around your past, it seems crazy to think that you’d not be able to ask the same questions back to that person.
That’s because you’re speaking to a narcissist.
#2 The more personal stuff they ask, the better
There is no moral stone left unturned when it comes to a narcissist asking questions about your past.
The more personal they can get, the better. Why? Because they find out even more information about you!
And giving it to them gives them a free pass to use the information against you at a later date.
And trust me, they will!
When you are feeling low, the narcissist can drag out a memory you had and innocently ask:
Is this how you felt when your ex dumped you?
I know you might not want to talk about it, but I feel like this is stemming from that incident you went through.
For you, you’re just having a bad day where things aren’t going the way you want them to, but now you’ve been triggered to think about all the terrible and hurtful ways you were treated before you met the narcissist, and now you feel even worse.
Surprise, surprise!
It’s what they do. It’s how they roll.
If you were to do that to the narcissist, they would have trouble containing their anger, rage, and fears to you.
Which is precisely why the narcissist doesn’t divulge any information about their past to you in the first place.
If they did, you would always have it in you to enquire about whenever you wanted, and the narcissist isn’t prepared for you to have that kind of power.
Power is what they want!
#3 Narcissists having a story ready
If you were to start prying, trying to dig for information on the narcissist’s past, they can sometimes return the curiosity with a little back story…
…That is complete fiction.
Yeah, I was just looking for change.
I wanted to move away from home. I outgrew it.
Somebody hurt me.
I was abused.
I never want to be hurt again, nor would I hurt anybody.
I just want to be happy, and I spent so long being treated like crap.
In other words, let’s play the violin for a little while because the narcissist has made up a whole heap of hog in order to get you to feel sorry for them.
Their made up story is their go to safe space to appear to be honest, when in reality, they are anything but.
The tales of their past they’re willing to share with you might seem like the two of you are connecting, but there’s really nothing authentic about what’s being said, other than your genuine, caring response.
But that response is to lies.
#4 When it comes to them, they panic
Underneath the pile of lies, is a truth that you would be shocked to hear. A truth that paints the narcissist as the type of person they are exactly.
Before they bounced from their last victim to you, they needed to get their heads in the right place, and think of how to appear to be the good person.
Imagine meeting a narcissist and asking them about their past, and them telling you the honest answer?!
I was with this person for a few years. She was weak and did everything I asked her to.
I treated her like garbage and quite enjoyed seeing her cry at night because she lost so much of her self-worth being with me.
I bullied her relentlessly until one day, she told me she was leaving me. I stalked her for a while and made her life hell, and then told everybody that she abused me.
Even writing that made me laugh, because you just know no narcissist will ever admit to being such an abusive asshole.
#5 What do you know?…
The first thing narcissists might ask when you start asking questions about their past is what you’ve heard already?
And yeah, they can even make it light and humorous, but under that layer of jokes is a person who is afraid of what truths you’ve heard.
They won’t even know what story to tell you, in case you’ve already heard a different version that may make them look like a terrible person.
#6 Panic equals paranoia
If you ever want to see a guilty person try to keep it all together, asking a narcissist about their past is a very good step to take.
The reason why narcissists are so paranoid is because they have everything inside themselves that would make them ready to lose what they have – you.
If you knew they’d had and abused several partners before you, you probably wouldn’t touch them with a 20ft bargepole.
They keep quiet, but that doesn’t mean their egotistical brains aren’t filled with paranoia.
The constant need to look over their shoulder and make sure the coast is clear comes from not being honest in the first place.
#7 Reeling you in: the start of control
What slips through the mind of victims is just how controlled they are from the get go.
The lies of a narcissist are able to push them into a place of power with them without the person on the receiving end even being remotely aware.
Reeling you in is all the narcissist has, and as you enter a relationship with them on this false footing, it is just the start of a very unfortunate set of circumstances that lead you to a very miserable place.
As the narcissist realizes how successful a job they made of making up a past that makes you fall for them rather than run away from them, they start to think about what else they can get away with during your time together.
