Childhoods can be coated in pain and trauma that refuses to leave or even crack into adulthood.
It can also contain changes, sadness, neglect, or conflict.
Where your childhood lies is in the past. Talking about it so openly to a narcissist is going to leave them with an upper hand that you aren’t even aware of.
While it should be a chance for you to express your past healthily, it’s also an opportunity for the narcissist to steal your experiences, and channel them into your relationship.
Your past doesn’t have to be your present.
The Problem With The Past
I’m not going to downgrade your childhoods just to be events from the past.
Good or bad, we will look back on ours with some memory.
The problem with the past is that too many of us carry it into our present lives, through habit or trauma.
We don’t see how we can separate ourselves from it, and so we exude what we’ve carried out into the world.
When narcissists pick up on your childhood, they will pay particular attention if it was less than ideal.
Trauma: The Baggage Nobody Wants To Carry
It’s a topic all of its own, but trauma is a heavy weight to hold on to. It leaves us exposed – and you can easily become the person who this happened to, or who witnessed that.
If you wear that badge openly for all to see, the wrong people will take advantage of that.
How Narcissists Use Your Information
Anything you disclose will be used against you.
Do you hate being ignored? Great! The narcissist will know to ignore you to get a reaction from you, converting into supply for them.
Perhaps you don’t like getting intimate too quickly? Fantastic! The narcissist will lure you into feeling safe, only to show their true colors at a later date.
This enhances your hatred for intimacy too soon, and leaves you feeling as though you should have known better.
Creating Pseudo-Sympathy
The fake sympathy of a narcissist will only feel good at the time you give them snippets of information about your childhood.
How could that happen to somebody so amazing?
You must have been so hurt.
I want to protect you from all of that.
You can trust me.
It’s tempting to trust, right? They say all the right things.
But not one of those things is genuine.
So what should you keep to yourself?
What Things Should You Never Disclose?
#1 Neglect
In disclosing your neglect, you’re letting onto a lot of things about your character that you may not be prepared for the consequences of.
Narcissists love to sniff out neglect in the past of their partner or friend. In that moment, so much about you is revealed.
And while emotionally regulated people would empathize with you and want to hear your story, narcissists are only out to hurt you even more.
Sure, they can act like they care. They will probably ask you a thousand questions under the guise of concern, when all they really want is to scoop information from you like it’s ice cream on a hot day.
Neglect stems from unpleasant experiences where you had high hopes of somebody who ended up letting you down.
It means you’re far more likely to want to seek out validation from others, and that you’re potentially a people pleaser, who is grateful for any crumb or crust of attention or affection.
You did not set those low standards, but they are what currently makes you.
Perfect for the narcissist.
#2 Abuse
There are so many different forms of abuse, and childhood can be the place much of it begins.
If that’s the sad case for you, sharing that information is going to be difficult.
You will want to do it if you meet somebody you trust, or want to start a life with.
I ask you to be careful.
Get to know anybody as deeply as possible without disclosing this information. Have them earn your trust, and watch out for the red flags of a narcissist before you do.
Telling a narcissist you were abused basically lets them know that you are a person who has previously been controlled and/or manipulated.
They officially have the upper hand once they have that information on you. And what you see as normal treatment toward you is going to continue.
Those who are, or have been abused, will see any ill treatment as the norm, even if they know it isn’t right.
It’s why cycles loop, and generations continue to carry the behavior or treatment with them.
#3 Narcissism
If you let the narcissist know you have experienced a narcissistic parent, they are going to change up their game slightly.
They never usually show their true selves anyway, but this will be seen as a lot of sympathy for you.
I’m here to talk, if you need it.
That sounds terrible.
I’m so sorry this happened to you.
If you ever want to talk, I’m here.
Or the worst…
Me too.
Narcissists will be keen to mirror whatever problem you have, so you can relate to them, and vice versa (on paper, of course).
#4 High Criticism
Those who have been around highly critical people have a low bar set by others for their own self-esteem.
If you’re always told you’re never good enough, or never doing something right, you’re going to be the type of person who:
- Is keen to please and make others happy
- Always says sorry, even when you’ve done nothing wrong
- Put others before your own needs
- Tries to make everything right, even when you don’t need to
Being criticized is no picnic. As a child, you do your best to conform. You want to be loved, and you’re learning what love is.
Sadly, for those criticized in childhood, the lesson is that love looks like having to walk on eggshells.
Your standards are low, and that makes perfect sense for narcissists, who keep to those standards.
Remember – just because it’s familiar, doesn’t make it right.
#5 Control
If you let somebody know you were controlled as a child, you’re telling them that everything you learned about dynamics was to do as you’re told.
The child follows the rules. The child questions nothing. The child grows into an adult, and nothing changes.
It was hardwired into you over the course of many years, leaving scars that you will want to keep hidden.
#6 Any Triggers You Have
Your triggers will act as a fun game for the narcissist. They will love seeing you react to them, as innocent as they may poetry their act.
Oops, I forgot that kind of thing upsets you.
Oh, didn’t I call you to tell you I was going to be late? What’s the big deal?
Same old toxicity…
