According to the narcissist, the rules don’t apply to them.
They can do whatever they want, whenever they want meanwhile you have to put up with their rule-free rage.
There are a few sure-fire ways to get the narcissist into a twist, and believe when I say:
You don’t even actually have to do anything ‘wrong.’
The narcissist won’t like you for asking simple questions. They will react to some of the most ‘normal’ things a person can say or do, and they will never forget anybody who stands up to them.
Let’s check out what you should never do to a narcissist.
Never Try To Call Them Out
Now, I get this all the time. People come to me saying, “I want to call out the narcissist in my life, how do I do it effectively?”
You can’t.
I repeat: You can’t.
Can you call a narcissist out? Well – yes – but would you want to?
Not if you knew the consequences!
Calling out a narcissist is going to damage you far more than it will damage them. They won’t care what your words are, they’ll just care that you dared stand up and try to call out their bad behavior (which by the way, they will deny).
Narcissists deny their bad behavior through several, toxic routes.
You’ll Notice Gaslighting
The first route is the most common – gaslighting.
It didn’t happen that way.
You’re imagining things.
I think you’re going crazy.
You’re just making things up now.
The narcissist will say any or all of these things when you try to call them out because they want you to feel as though what you see is a delusion.
They didn’t behave that way.
They would never do or say that.
Don’t you know them at all…
In truth, yes you do know them. But they will do whatever it takes to convince you that you don’t.
The Narcissistic Rage
Narcissists have a tongue so sharp that could cut through a tree trunk. Once they feel cornered by you trying to call them out, they will engage in a rage like never before.
They can hurl the deepest, most cutting insults your way, they can fly off the handle, and they can unfortunately even become physical.
For this reason – it’s not worth calling them out.
The Projection – You’re The Problem!
Ah yes, of course, it could only be you who is the problem. If they upset you, the problem isn’t what they did, it’s how you responded.
A narcissist doesn’t want to house any negativity that they could otherwise hand to you when you try to call them out.
You’re the reason I am the way I am – you’re the narcissist!
Ouch. Incorrect and ill timed.
The Blame Shift
It wasn’t me, it was that person – they got me riled up and I just lost it!
Nobody can blame another person for their own behaviors. If the narcissist knew that, they would be able to self-reflect and admit when they were to blame.
Sadly, this doesn’t happen, and that’s why narcissists exist in the first place:
They refuse to take any blame for their own actions.
You can’t fix a problem if you deny the problem exists, right?
The Silent Treatment
The most cruel way to punish someone for daring to call them out is to give them the silent treatment.
Any form of silent treatment is emotional abuse. They know that, but to you, all it does is produce intense feelings of anxiety and inadequacy.
What did I do wrong?
Are you okay?
Please tell me how to fix this.
The narcissist will have you eating out of the palm of their hands.
No, you didn’t do anything wrong. You simply called somebody out and they didn’t like it, so now instead of feeling punished, they punish you.
Never Ask Why
Why do you do this or that?
Why do you think that way?
Part of why narcissists are asked why is because so many people are so desperate to understand them and how their brains work.
It’s natural for someone who could never fathom a matter to go to the narcissist to ask why, but guess what?
A narcissist isn’t going to make you a coffee and sit with you to tell you why they’re so toxic.
Take a moment and think about what you want to understand when you ask ‘why.’
They don’t go through their day knowing exactly what they will do when they wake up each morning. All they know is:
They need to protect their image.
They need to maintain their ego.
They need validation.
Whatever the day brings – they will ensure their fragile needs are met.
They don’t appreciate you asking why, so don’t even ask.
Never Underestimate Their Interpretation of Your Tone
Narcissists are hyper-sensitive.
They can say and do what they want, but when it comes to you, you’d better watch out if you don’t get it just right.
Don’t Engage
They can’t read your tone if you minimize your engagement with them. Try not to sound too happy, too sad, too interested or disinterested. It’s a wiry balance to maintain, but once you can get it right, the narcissist struggles to react.
Have Realistic Expectations
You aren’t going to get what you want by igniting a conversation that will only lead the narcissist to feeling as though they’re being ambushed.
High expectations can lead to disappointment, so try being more realistic. Sad, but it’s the only way to go with a narcissist.
Don’t Personalize
I always say, it’s not your fault.
And I mean it,
It isn’t.
You are not the reason why they are acting the way they are. They’d still be a narcissist even if you didn’t exist.
The only difference is – some other poor person would instead be the victim.
Absolutely Do Not Try to Heal Them
A hard pill to swallow is the realization that you just cannot fix a narcissist.
As much as you might love them, care for them, and want to be with them if they are causing pain and sadness – it won’t change.
Magic wand or no magic wand, there is no healing possible.
If you were to try to convince a narcissist that they needed healing, their house of cards would collapse in a moment. They don’t see themselves as having a problem, and you telling them they do will ultimately backfire exponentially on you.
