According to the narcissist, the rules don’t apply to them.

They can do whatever they want, whenever they want meanwhile you have to put up with their rule-free rage.

There are a few sure-fire ways to get the narcissist into a twist, and believe when I say:

You don’t even actually have to do anything ‘wrong.’

The narcissist won’t like you for asking simple questions. They will react to some of the most ‘normal’ things a person can say or do, and they will never forget anybody who stands up to them.

Let’s check out what you should never do to a narcissist.

Never Try To Call Them Out

Now, I get this all the time. People come to me saying, “I want to call out the narcissist in my life, how do I do it effectively?”

You can’t. 

I repeat: You can’t. 

Can you call a narcissist out? Well – yes – but would you want to?

Not if you knew the consequences!

Calling out a narcissist is going to damage you far more than it will damage them.

They won’t care what your words are, they’ll just care that you dared stand up and try to call out their bad behavior (which by the way, they will deny).

Narcissists deny their bad behavior through several, toxic routes. 

You’ll Notice Gaslighting

The first route is the most common – gaslighting. 

It didn’t happen that way.

You’re imagining things.

I think you’re going crazy.

You’re just making things up now.

The narcissist will say any or all of these things when you try to call them out because they want you to feel as though what you see is a delusion.

They didn’t behave that way.

They would never do or say that.

Don’t you know them at all…

In truth, yes you do know them. But they will do whatever it takes to convince you that you don’t. 

Article continues below this section.

---

The Narcissistic Rage

Narcissists have a tongue so sharp that could cut through a tree trunk. Once they feel cornered by you trying to call them out, they will engage in a rage like never before.

They can hurl the deepest, most cutting insults your way, they can fly off the handle, and they can unfortunately even become physical. 

For this reason – it’s not worth calling them out.

The Projection – You’re The Problem!

Ah yes, of course, it could only be you who is the problem. If they upset you, the problem isn’t what they did, it’s how you responded. 

A narcissist doesn’t want to house any negativity that they could otherwise hand to you when you try to call them out.

You’re the reason I am the way I am – you’re the narcissist!

Ouch. Incorrect and ill timed.

The Blame Shift

It wasn’t me, it was that person – they got me riled up and I just lost it!

Nobody can blame another person for their own behaviors. If the narcissist knew that, they would be able to self-reflect and admit when they were to blame. 

Sadly, this doesn’t happen, and that’s why narcissists exist in the first place:

They refuse to take any blame for their own actions.

You can’t fix a problem if you deny the problem exists, right?

The Silent Treatment

The most cruel way to punish someone for daring to call them out is to give them the silent treatment.

Any form of silent treatment is emotional abuse. They know that, but to you, all it does is produce intense feelings of anxiety and inadequacy.

What did I do wrong? 

Are you okay?

Please tell me how to fix this.

The narcissist will have you eating out of the palm of their hands. 

No, you didn’t do anything wrong. You simply called somebody out and they didn’t like it, so now instead of feeling punished, they punish you. 

Never Ask Why

Why do you do this or that?

Why do you think that way?

Part of why narcissists are asked why is because so many people are so desperate to understand them and how their brains work.

It’s natural for someone who could never fathom a matter to go to the narcissist to ask why, but guess what?

A narcissist isn’t going to make you a coffee and sit with you to tell you why they’re so toxic. 

Take a moment and think about what you want to understand when you ask ‘why.’ 

They don’t go through their day knowing exactly what they will do when they wake up each morning. All they know is:

They need to protect their image.

They need to maintain their ego.

They need validation.

Whatever the day brings – they will ensure their fragile needs are met.

They don’t appreciate you asking why, so don’t even ask.

Never Underestimate Their Interpretation of Your Tone

Narcissists are hyper-sensitive. 

They can say and do what they want, but when it comes to you, you’d better watch out if you don’t get it just right. 

Don’t Engage

They can’t read your tone if you minimize your engagement with them. Try not to sound too happy, too sad, too interested or disinterested.

It’s a wiry balance to maintain, but once you can get it right, the narcissist struggles to react.

Have Realistic Expectations

You aren’t going to get what you want by igniting a conversation that will only lead the narcissist to feeling as though they’re being ambushed. 

High expectations can lead to disappointment, so try being more realistic. Sad, but it’s the only way to go with a narcissist.

Don’t Personalize

I always say, it’s not your fault. 

And I mean it,

It isn’t. 

You are not the reason why they are acting the way they are. They’d still be a narcissist even if you didn’t exist. 

The only difference is – some other poor person would instead be the victim.

Absolutely Do Not Try to Heal Them

A hard pill to swallow is the realization that you just cannot fix a narcissist.

As much as you might love them, care for them, and want to be with them if they are causing pain and sadness – it won’t change.

Magic wand or no magic wand, there is no healing possible.

If you were to try to convince a narcissist that they needed healing, their house of cards would collapse in a moment.

They don’t see themselves as having a problem, and you telling them they do will ultimately backfire exponentially on you. 

How Do Narcissists Manipulate Their Partners?

Like a master puppeteer pulling invisible strings, narcissists possess a cunning ability to manipulate their partners with a calculated precision that borders on artistry.

They employ various tactics that leave their victims bewildered and questioning their reality.

From gaslighting to love-bombing, the methods used by narcissists are as insidious as they are effective. But how exactly do they manage to exert such control?

#1 Gaslighting

Making victims doubt their memories, perceptions, and sanity.

Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic used by narcissists to make you doubt your memories, perceptions, and sanity. 

It’s a form of psychological abuse where the narcissist intentionally distorts the truth, denies previous statements, and manipulates your perception of reality. They may make you question your recollection of events, making you feel like you’re going crazy.

Gaslighting erodes your self-confidence, self-esteem, and independence. 

The narcissist wants to gain power and control over you by making you dependent on their version of reality. They may dismiss your feelings, invalidate your experiences, and make you feel overly sensitive or irrational.

This insidious tactic can have a profound impact on your mental and emotional well-being, leaving you feeling confused, powerless, and isolated.

#2. Love-bombing

Overwhelming victims with affection and attention, only to suddenly withdraw it.

After experiencing the manipulation tactic of gaslighting, you may find yourself subjected to a new form of psychological abuse known as love-bombing: being overwhelmed with affection and attention, only to have it abruptly withdrawn.

Love-bombing is a tactic used by narcissists to gain control and manipulate their partners quickly. 

At the beginning of the relationship, the narcissist showers you with love, compliments, and gifts, making you feel special and desired. They create an intense emotional bond, making you believe they’re your perfect match.

However, they withdraw their affection and attention once they feel they’ve gained your trust and dependence. 

They may become distant, dismissive, or even cruel. This sudden change leaves you confused, hurt, and desperate for their love and approval.

#3. Devaluation

They are criticizing or belittling the victim to erode their self-esteem.

During the devaluation phase, narcissists undermine your self-esteem by consistently criticizing and belittling you. 

They use this tactic to exert control and power over you. The narcissist will find fault in everything you do, constantly pointing out your flaws and failures.

They may mock your appearance, intelligence, or abilities, making you doubt yourself and your worth.

This constant belittlement slowly erodes your self-esteem, making you more reliant on their validation and approval. 

The narcissist wants you to believe that you’re unworthy of love and respect, ensuring that you remain under their control. They may even compare you unfavorably to others, further damaging your self-esteem.

#4 Projection

They are transferring their faults, feelings or behaviors onto the victim.

Narcissists often project their faults, feelings, or behaviors onto their victims, distorting reality and shifting blame. This manipulative tactic allows them to avoid responsibility for their actions and maintain their superiority.

By projecting their negative qualities onto their victims, narcissists create confusion and self-doubt in their partners. They make their victims question their perceptions and reality, leaving them feeling guilty and inadequate.

For example, if a narcissist is cheating on their partner, they may accuse their partner of being unfaithful or distrustful. 

This projection not only deflects attention away from their wrongdoing but also controls and manipulates their partner’s emotions and behaviors.

#5 Silent Treatment

Ignoring or refusing to communicate to punish the victim.

When someone uses the silent treatment as a punishment, they intentionally ignore or refuse to communicate with their victim. This form of manipulation inflicts emotional pain and controls the victim’s behavior.

By withholding communication, the narcissist aims to make their partner feel isolated, neglected, and insignificant. The silent treatment is often used as a power tactic to exert dominance and manipulate the victim’s emotions.

It can be incredibly damaging, as it creates an atmosphere of tension, anxiety, and uncertainty. The victim may feel desperate for the narcissist’s attention and validation, leading to a cycle of dependency and self-doubt.

This deliberate act of silence can have profound psychological effects on the victim, causing them to question their self-worth and perpetuating the narcissist’s control over them.

#6 Triangulation

Using a third person to validate their perspective and belittle the victim.

Triangulation occurs when a narcissist seeks validation for their perspective and belittle their victim by involving a third person. 

This manipulative tactic allows the narcissist to undermine your feelings and opinions, making you question your sanity and worth.

By bringing in a third person, such as a friend, family member, or even an ex-partner, the narcissist aims to create a sense of doubt and insecurity within you. 

They may distort the truth, exaggerate your flaws, or present themselves as the victim, all attempting to control and dominate the narrative.

This tactic not only isolates you from potential support, but it also reinforces the narcissist’s power and control over you. 

#7 Victim Playing

They are portraying themselves as the victim to gain sympathy or manipulate situations.

By portraying themselves as the victim, narcissists manipulate situations and gain sympathy. This tactic allows them to control and manipulate their partners by eliciting a sense of guilt or obligation.

Narcissists are skilled at crafting narratives that paint themselves as the innocent party while portraying their partners as the ones who’ve wronged them.

They play on the empathy and compassion of their partners, seeking to exploit their vulnerability and emotions.

By positioning themselves as the victim, narcissists not only deflect attention away from their toxic behaviors but also gain the upper hand in the relationship dynamic. 

Their partners may feel compelled to apologize, make amends, or even question their perceptions, all to appease the narcissist and maintain peace.

#8. Hoovering

Showering victims with affection when they try to leave, to suck them back into the relationship.

Are victims of narcissistic manipulation often showered with affection to lure them back into the relationship? Absolutely.

This tactic, known as hoovering, is a common tool used by narcissists to maintain control and power over their partners.

When you try to leave, they’ll suddenly shower you with love, attention, and affection, making you question your decision to leave in the first place.

They know exactly how to push your emotional buttons and exploit your vulnerabilities, using your desire for love and validation against you.

This sudden display of affection can be incredibly confusing and disorienting, making it difficult to resist their advances.

They’ll use this opportunity to manipulate and gaslight you, convincing you that they’ve changed and that things will be different this time.

#9 Smear Campaign

Spreading false rumors or exaggerating truths to tarnish the victim’s reputation.

After luring you back into the relationship with a sudden display of affection, narcissists may resort to a smear campaign, spreading false rumors or exaggerating truths to tarnish your reputation. 

This tactic undermines your credibility and isolates you from your support network.

The narcissist will strategically target individuals who are close to you, such as friends, family, or colleagues, to poison their perception of you. They may fabricate stories and twist the truth, making you appear untrustworthy, unreliable, or dangerous.

By tarnishing your reputation, the narcissist gains control and power over you, as they effectively destroy your social standing and make it difficult for you to maintain healthy relationships.

#10 Negging

Backhanded compliments are a tactic to make victims feel vulnerable and seek their approval.

Negging, a manipulative tactic used by narcissists, involves giving backhanded compliments to make their victims feel vulnerable and seek their approval. 

This technique undermines the victim’s self-esteem by mixing a compliment with an insult or criticism. By doing so, the narcissist gains power and control over their partner’s emotions, making them more dependent on their validation.

For example, they might say, ‘You’re really pretty for someone your age,’ implying that the person is only attractive because of their age, rather than their inherent beauty. 

This backhanded compliment leaves the victim feeling insecure and seeking reassurance from the narcissist. Over time, this manipulation erodes their self-confidence, making it easier for the narcissist to maintain control in the relationship.

#11 Moving Goalposts

Continuously changing expectations and standards keep the victim in perpetual confusion and pursuit.

Continuously shifting expectations and standards create a perpetual state of confusion and pursuit for the victim in the manipulative tactic of moving goalposts.

When you first enter a relationship with a narcissist, they may set certain expectations and standards for you to meet. 

However, these expectations constantly change as time passes, leaving you feeling like you can never truly meet their ever-shifting demands.

They may praise you one moment for meeting their expectations, only to suddenly criticize you for not meeting a new set of standards they’ve just created. This manipulation tactic keeps you on your toes, constantly striving to please and gain their approval.

The constant confusion and pursuit of their ever-changing goalposts can leave you feeling trapped and powerless, questioning your worth and sanity.

#12 False Promises

Making grand promises without intending to keep them to control the victim’s behavior.

As the narcissist manipulates their partner by continuously shifting expectations and standards, they also employ the tactic of making grand promises without any intention of keeping them to control the victim’s behavior. 

This behavior aims to gain power and control over their partner, keeping them tangled in a web of false hope and dependency.

By making grand promises, the narcissist creates a false sense of security and happiness, only to shatter it later when they conveniently forget or disregard their commitments. This deliberate deception makes the victim feel disappointed, confused, and desperate for validation.

The narcissist uses these broken promises as a means of manipulation, ensuring that the victim remains compliant and fearful of losing the narcissist’s affection.

It’s a cruel and calculated strategy that perpetuates the narcissist’s control and domination over their partner.

#13 Intermittent Reinforcement

Alternating between reward and punishment to create an addiction to their approval.

Intermittent reinforcement creates an addiction to the narcissist’s approval by alternating between reward and punishment. This manipulative tactic keeps you hooked on their validation, constantly seeking their approval and trying to please them.

At times, the narcissist may shower you with love, affection, and praise, making you feel valued and special. 

These rewards create a euphoria and reinforce your desire for their approval. However, they can be taken away just as quickly as the rewards come.

The narcissist may suddenly become distant, cold, or critical, leaving you confused and desperate for their positive attention once again. 

This alternating pattern between reward and punishment keeps you in constant uncertainty, making their approval feel like a rare and precious commodity.

You become addicted to seeking their validation, hoping the next reward is near.

#14 Feigning Innocence

Denying or feigning ignorance about a clearly manipulative act to confuse the victim.

After experiencing the addictive cycle of intermittent reinforcement, narcissists further manipulate their partners by feigning innocence and denying or pretending to be ignorant about their manipulative acts, leaving the victims confused and questioning their perceptions. 

This tactic is aimed at gaslighting their partners, making them doubt their own sanity and memory.

When confronted with their manipulative behavior, narcissists often respond with statements like ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about’ or ‘I would never do something like that.’ 

By casting doubt on the victim’s perception of reality, the narcissist gains control and power over the relationship. The victim feels confused, frustrated, and unable to trust their judgment.

The narcissist’s feigned innocence serves as a potent weapon in their arsenal of manipulation tactics, further undermining the victim’s self-esteem and fostering a sense of powerlessness.