It’s bedtime. The lights dim, the curtains meet, the lavender pray mistily lands on your fluffy pillow.
You’re so ready for some deep slumber.
But hark, what is that call in the not too distant distance?
As if I need to even tell you…
..That is the call of the narcissist, asking you to dance to the beat of their latest fight right as you’re supposed to be winding down.
Why do they do it? I can tell you!
You? Sleep? Nope
We all need sleep, and I know we can have the odd tricky night depending on what’s going on but on the whole, you need rest.
I can tell you one type of person who doesn’t care about you resting.
Yep. You guessed it. Narcissists.
Watching you lose your mind because you’re so tired won’t matter to them, in fact, they will quite enjoy it. So turning you over into another sleepless night will be something they will gladly do.
Getting into a fight as you’re about to lay your head down is the last thing you want, and you’ll be keen to try to fix whatever the narcissist is yelling at you for because you’re someone who wants to please people as much as possible.
So you stay awake, and you fight your fatigue, while The narcissist fights you.
#1 Rocking your peace
Not only is bedtime a time to sleep, it’s a great moment in your day to breathe and let peace wash over you.
The sun sets, the darkness takes hold, and you feel a deep serenity. It’s the perfect time to reflect and think about your day and anything in particular that you were grateful for.
That peace can be easily rocked by the narcissist’s angry presence. They want to rattle you, so they pick a fight and get right in between you and your ten minutes of zen.
They choose to rock your peace so that you learn even peace isn’t safe. They teach you that the second you feel calm, to prepare for another storm.
Soon enough, you’re wired to expect it, and that leaves you in a constant state of anxiety and anticipation.
#2 Boredom
Good old boredom. I mean, it isn’t as if the narcissist can get a hobby, catch up on messaging friends, or watching the latest episode or series of their favorite show, right?
Is it too much to ask for the person who is always screaming at you to be more independent (while taking it away) to be independent themselves?
Chasing you down for a reaction just because they feel like it isn’t reflective of a person who cares about your feelings or the relationship they’re in with you.
But here we are, dealing with it anyway. You are a victim of their boredom, as they leech onto you for supply to make their evening more interesting.
It’s always a shame when such negativity seems to be their only choice, doesn’t it?
#3 To start your next day off negatively
And then there’s tomorrow. You want to wake up and start a fresh day feeling rested and rejuvenated, but you know it’ll be a case of foggy brains and exhaustion.
And it is happening more and more regularly, it seems.
The narcissist won’t care. They will power nap without conscience whenever they get the opportunity to catch up on what they missed out on, while you are weighed down by the heavy emotions you had to lay awake with all the previous night.
#4 Something good planned?
The day after a night time fight with a narcissist, I’d bet there was something big on your schedule.
Do you need to sit an exam, or a text or course at work? Maybe you have a doctor appointment, or a job interview. Or maybe you’d planned a nice day out with your friends.
Now, after a late night arguing and getting nowhere fast, can you honestly say that you’re in the mood for any of that?
I highly doubt it. And that is exactly why the narcissist will do it. Anything to get you off the healthy mindset, and off balance so that you’re not in the mood to go out, take risks, or answer questions under a pressured setting.
Avoiding night time fights
As impossible as it may seem to you, it’s possible to avoid night time fights as much as you can on your side of the dynamic.
Gray rock
Gray rock is a method proven to be effective in cases where the victim starves the narcissist of supply.
The usual reactions or responses are replaced with boring, nothing comments such as, “Uh-huh, okay, sure, mmhmm,” or even silence.
If the narcissist is seeking a way to try to get under your skin, you can use gray rock as the emotional unavailability of you.
This will be new to the narcissist, who is used to stealing supply from you in the form of your anger of tears.
Now, there’s nothing to take. So they end up losing the night time game. How can they win against you if you refuse to take part?
That’s the key to gray rock. To be as boring and unnoticeable as possible and not hand over your obedience to fall into the chaos.
Strong boundaries
Boundaries work well in terms of reclaiming your control over an argument that is being brewed by the narcissist like it were morning coffee.
I am not going to engage in this with you.
If you continue to try to push me, I will sleep on the couch.
I will talk to you about this in the morning.
I do not tolerate not being listened to.
Asserting yourself is key, and yes, it will take the narcissist by total surprise as they see a different side of you. Where you once caved, you’re standing strong.
That’s how it should always be, and I understand your need to want to please them and get into the conversation, but you don’t need to.
You don’t need to say sorry for something you haven’t done. You don’t need to feel guilty just because they tell you to.
It’s not right, and the sooner you realize that, the more at peace you will find yourself.
Leave
I left this point until last because it’s the biggest of all. Leaving a narcissist is something you can only do when you’re ready, and not before.
I think it’s important to understand why you’re leaving them, rather than just doing it.
Is the daily night time fight really a routine part of your days that you want to maintain and keep? It shouldn’t be.
We should be heading to bed for a cuddle and a healthy sleep, not for round two of the fight of the century.
Your wellbeing is a priority, and without it intact, you will in some way start to suffer from its absence.
When I say leave, I mean the consideration should be there if you’ve reached the point where you just can’t take any more.
And you’d be right for getting to that point, after all, unhealthy relationships make for unhappy souls.
