When you want to leave a narcissist, you’d think it’d be easy. You speak your mind, you pack your bags, and go.
I’m here to tell you that life isn’t that straightforward for so many victims. Instead of leaving, they’re almost forced to stay in the abuse.
This moment I share with you is all about how narcissists do that.
#1 Meeting them: the happy beginning
Meeting that one person who you think will last the test of time feels like a real game over moment.
That’s it. You’ve found them. You’re going to build a life together and live happily ever after.
It’s a beautiful beginning, and you grow together and you get to know each other.
You feel like you’re a better person around them, and they feel the same way about you.
With a narcissist, you will experience such intense highs at the start of your relationship. It will honestly feel like a fairytale; those stories sold to you since childhood through movies and songs.
The happy beginning is the time where the trauma bond is born. You cannot imagine life without them, and you’re swept away by their declared love for you.
But we know, it isn’t love.
#2 Over time, the mask slips
It was bound to happen. What goes up, must always come down, and that includes the narcissist’s mask.
As much as I’d love to tell you the fairytale will last forever, I can guarantee it only felt like that because the narcissist was manipulating you right from the start.
What used to make you laugh, has disappeared. The compliments have gone. The time they wanted to take to get to know you has been eaten up by stony silence and negative moods.
The small ways they wanted to show their love for you has now become opportunities for them to tell you how expensive flowers are.
You see the criticism, you see the ego, and you no longer know yourself like you did before.
The mask slips, and the infusion is real.
#3 Changes laced with hoovering
What happened? These changes are drastic, and have made you question if you imagined those initial weeks with the narcissist. But let’s use this opportunity to be clear with you:
It’s not all bad.
While the mask may slip, you do see that old version of them from time to time, and it’s just enough to breadcrumb a little affection into your life to keep you sweet.
If it were all bad, there would be no cycle. It would just be a dumping of impossible, abusive situations.
And so there must be intermittent hoovering, to keep you from leaving.
And you stick around, hoping those fragments will become more and more, and more permanent, too.
You stick around because those moments feel so good that you are addicted to waiting for them.
#4 Threats are real
Let’s talk about threats, because narcissistic relationships can turn nasty, and commonly, they do.
Threats to keep you from leaving can look like:
If you walk out that door, I swear I will do something to myself that you’ll have to live with!
If you leave, I am going to tell all your friends what you really think about them!
The minute you leave, I will find you and make you regret it!
If you leave, I am keeping the dog and the house. You’ll have nothing!
It’s quite enough to make any victim sick to their stomach, isn’t it?
#5 Over time, people drop like flies
You notice your life starts to shift under the control of a narcissist, which is another huge reason why leaving feels so impossible.
Remember when you first met, and you had family and friends to reach out to? You saw them regularly, and they looked out for you, as you did them.
You spent time together, laughing, sharing, connecting and communicating.
But now it’s gone. Not all at once, but bit by bit, person by person, they all slipped away. Even the ones you are in touch with aren’t as close as they were before.
You’ve cancelled so many plans, and now you don’t bother even asking how they are.
It has a lot to do with the narcissist telling you in so many ways, “You don’t need them.
You only need me.” That can look like supporting you if you have a complaint about one of them (and that complaint may be minor).
“I was hoping you’d come to your senses about that person. I believe they’re just trying to get under your skin. I don’t think they really care about you.”
You start to listen, and you start to believe.
But without your support system, what does your life look like? It looks lonely. You don’t have other’s ideas to bounce off.
You’ve nobody to go to for advice. You have nobody fighting your corner, or noticing you’re changing because, well, there’s nobody around.
This is perfect for the narcissist who wants you to rely on them and them alone. Suddenly, their influence on you shifts and they become the major character you turn to.
There’s nothing good about having an abuser as a major character in your life.
#6 And money?
Being cut off from finances so that you solely depend on the narcissist is dangerous.
The job you had turned into just a few hours a day, and that turned to nothing at all.
Now it is nothing, you don’t have your own source of income. You can’t spend it on what you want, because the narcissist is so controlling, checking bank statements, criticizing your spending choices so that in the end, you barely buy a thing.
Meanwhile, they get to spend what they want without being questioned.
It’s much harder to leave somebody you fully rely on, as no independence equals you believing you can’t live without them.
#7 Soon, you’re a person scared to be alone
Imagine what it must be like to be scared to be alone. I know that will ring true for some of you out there who may have felt like that at one point or another.
You’re scared to explore life, afraid of being alone forever. You wonder what you’d do and how you’d cope.
How will the bills be paid? What job will you work in order to pay for your lifestyle, as modest as that may be?
You make the choice:
I will stay in this relationship because it’s easier than being on my own. It would be impossible to cope by myself. I’d rather stay than risk having nothing at all without them.
In truth, you already don’t have anything, except being surrounded by an overpowering, false presence.
In truth, you may as well already be alone because it already feels like you are.
And the biggest ones yet:
In truth, you can leave whenever you want to. I know it might not seem that straightforward, but you have the freedom to walk away from an abusive relationship.
Building from the bottom up can take time when you’re healing, but it’s got to be better than a lifetime with a narcissist who will never love you.
