Have you ever poured out everything to a narcissist, only to have them ignore what you’ve said?
If that wasn’t bad enough, they then twist one tiny detail that sets you off and causes a huge trigger.
It’s beyond infuriating, but they are masters at causing stress, throwing you right in the center of it all.
Being dismissed is the worst, but being triggered hits new lows, but I want to break down exactly why they do this.
If you’ve ever felt emotionally baited, this one’s for you.
Making sure you give them what they want
It’s the one act of narcissism that gives the most satisfaction for these evil individuals, and they seem to plan it to the detail; just enough to get you to snap and break.
I can’t imagine what this is like for narcissists, but I do know from what they (and you) tell me, is how hard it is to let go of, and how you’re in constant fear this will happen all over again, repeatedly.
Narcissists have one job, and that is to make sure you give them exactly what they want, without the care or consideration for you, and what it puts you through.
Works every time
That’s the trouble with triggers, isn’t it? Every single time you get triggered, the narcissist knows what they’ve set out to achieve has worked.
For you, you want to be heard. It’s all you’ve ever wanted, and that may derive from growing up in a house where your voice wasn’t deemed important, and your growth wasn’t seen as worthy of any time or energy from them.
When your voice is ignored, triggers can run deep, and it feels like you’re being sucked into this honey trap that the narcissist has perfectly set up for you.
The trigger comes from within, but it is sparked off by a person who claims to love you and care for you.
What could be more confusing than that? And what could be more triggering than being reminded of all the times you’ve felt that way in your past?
And when you’re triggered?
All kinds of things go on inside of you. From the fast heart rate, to all the flashbacks, to the feeling of not being safe, or seen.
You can also feel as though you’re falling into that same pit of doom and darkness that you dread, and it’s scary.
It’s scary because you’ve only ever wanted to be with somebody who loves you and appreciates you.
Instead, you feel like you’re being hurtled through space, with no way of stopping, and no way of knowing when it will end.
So when you’re ignored, and the narcissist triggers you with one tiny thing, and then what?
You react
Boom. It begins. You’re right where they want you, and that’s where it can crumble for you. Understandably, you don’t want to even go there
Your reaction is the crux of the game for them. That instant hit that is so organic within you, yet terrifying at the same time, as any trigger is.
Little can be done to prevent them from rising so emotionally, which is why it’s always wise to seek help and support so you can overcome them,
or at the very least, acknowledge what they are and learn coping tools that will carry you through them.
Your reaction can be fear, crying, shouting, snapping, breaking down, freezing, begging them to help you; and so much more.
Noise is good
For them, at least, noise is likened to being their favorite song on repeat, but for the emotionally healthy of us, we prefer peace and calm.
Why would narcissists go out of their way to both create, and enjoy noise if it isn’t good?
Noise means somebody is feeling like they can’t take it any more. The unsettled pattern that it brings is a comfort to them, and proves they are doing the right things to get a reaction from you.
I know, by the way, how exhausting that can feel. I know how much it drains a person to try to balance living a normal life with being pulled into another day of being ignored.
That one tiny thing to them – which is the hyperfixation of the one thing you said – is what triggers the landslide.
What could that look like?
They ignore everything, but hyperfixate on one thing you said
Admit it, you’ve been there. You’re talking to the narcissist, and you are sharing your feelings, emotions, thoughts or opinions with them.
You so desperately want to be heard, but you’re getting nowhere. Suddenly, you say that one thing that causes their head to quickly turn your way.
What did you just say?
So you’re saying I’m the problem?
Oh, so I guess it’s all my fault then.
You just said you didn’t care.
That’s it. Just when you thought you were in a palace where you felt like you could express yourself, you’re batted back into the corner of silence you’ve been used to sitting in.
Now you’re in for another battle, the battle of having to correct yourself, or justify why you said what you said.
I didn’t mean it like that!
Why are you twisting my words?
I’d never say that about you!
I wasn’t trying to upset you.
You know how much I love you.
Oh, the narcissist has you right where they want you.
This hyperfixation is exactly what the narcissist loves to find and zone in on, so they can prove they are some kind of victim very quickly in the midst of whatever it is you are trying to say.
They ignore proof
By proof, I mean literally anything else you’re saying. The history between you, or the way you are trying hard to overcompensate by saying kind things, it won’t matter.
If you say something in the wrong tone, if you throw in a word they hate, if there is a delay in a response they’re waiting on from you; you can bet they will find a problem with it and interpret it in a way that triggers a panic from you.
This panic is golden.
It means you are trying hard to claw back into their good books, and the more you wriggle and fight your way back in, the more they see their control over you is working.
And yeah, you can have all the proof you want that you didn’t mean what you said quite in that way, but the narcissist is already shining in the chaos this ‘misunderstood moment’ has granted them.
Narcissists will paint a misunderstanding to distract you from whatever it was you were saying, so that you can be blamed for starting a conversation that led to such chaos.
Why?
Because you won’t do it again. You’ll learn to ‘shut up’ and not speak up when there’s something on your mind.
Ignoring any proof you have to the contrary is typical of them. It means they can lead the way with the made up narrative they’ve created…
…The one where you’re the bad guy, and they are the victim.
