We pick our friends because we find like minded people to spend time with and make memories with, but that doesn’t mean the odd toxic troll can’t sneak in the group without you knowing.
If you’ve been unluckily graced by a narcissist as a friend, you can spot certain signs that will confirm their presence.
I always think it’s wise to look out for them, because if they exist, they will crumble your circle before you know it.
Warning: these can be a lot harder to spot
We’re used to looking at partners as being potential narcissists because we want to know the kind of person we’ve chosen to be with, but as it stands, partners can come and go.
Where friendships stand, they shouldn’t fall, and it can be a lot harder to determine narcissistic personalities in those we are locked in with.
You know, nothing has to last forever though. If a friend is damaging your wellbeing with narcissistic traits, you can still leave it.
You don’t have to tolerate ill treatment.
Let’s get into those 5 signs.
#1 They love the spotlight
You’re familiar with the spotlight hogger; the person who can’t let a day go by without them getting some kind of major attention from somebody. Sometimes that person is you, and others it isn’t.
They want all the glory, all the love, all the compliments, but the second you need them for something, you can bet you won’t see them for dust.
When a friend needs this much bandwidth, it can be pretty exhausting for those around them.
It’s like you have to stop whatever you’re doing to appease them, and if you don’t, you get the cold shoulder for a period of time.
Narcissists are all the same, whether they’re partners or friends in this respect.
They’re insecure people made up of lies they tell themselves. There’s a common thread of self-hatred which forces them to spoil the happiness of others without their permission.
The spotlight must always be pointing toward them, otherwise they feel largely irrelevant and forgotten, triggering their insecurities.
The same applies to narcissistic friends!
#2 Everything feels like a competition
They can’t just be happy for you, can they? They have to be willing, able and ready to suck every last ounce of joy out of you when you’re feeling happy or having a positive day.
If you have achieved something, they will do their best to appear happy, while muttering things like:
I really need to start doing something for myself, too.
I wish I’d have been asked to join in with you.
Well, it took you long enough.
These comments are all out of spite, said in a way that makes them regret not getting in on the glory.
But who makes up the rule that everything’s a competition? It sure isn’t you.
The narcissistic friend is the only person who declares whatever happens in life to be placed on a track with a winner at the end of it.
If you’re doing well, they need to be doing even better. If you’ve lost 20lbs, they need to lose 30.
If you get a new job, they sniff out a promotion or a new job for themselves.
If you get a new coffee machine, you’ll probably ‘inspire’ them to go out and get one, too, only theirs will cost $100 more.
Who is tired of this competition? Friends are supposed to be there for each other, not compete with each other. The same team, right?
#3 They disappear when you need them the most
It’s all good when you’re fun and being useful, isn’t it? Narcissistic friends will love you when you’re shining for them, but when you need somebody to shine for you, you can count them out.
They disappear. They don’t explain where they’ve gone, they just exit your life.
You try to call them, text them, even call to their house. Why? Because some stuff is going down in your life and you need a little support.
You remember all the ways that you show up for your buddy, and so you just assume automatically that they will reciprocate.
But they don’t. They’re suddenly too busy, too stressed, too overworked, they forgot, they’re away on a vacation, they made plans already; the list of excuses is long and predictable.
You can’t ignore this kind of sign from a friend, can you? I know of people who will say, “You know what? I know I caught them at a bad time.
I’m sure they’d be here if they could be.”
Stop. Making. Excuses. For. Narcissists.
Friendships are not one-sided. They may tip the scales sometimes. You give, they take, they give, you take, but there should never be them taking and you giving at all times.
That’s not a friendship, that’s a one-way service without gratitude or grace attached to it.
#4 Backhanded support
The support might feel like it; there, but realistically it will be more like compliments feeling like insults in disguise, or jokes about your insecurities.
Picking up on this kind of talk opens the door to knowledge for those who are locked into toxic relationships of any kind.
What you didn’t know and treat as normal before comes a conscious problem, and that’s exactly how it should be treated.
No friend should hear things like:
I didn’t think that dress would suit your figure, but it kind of does.
I’m surprised you got the job, but in a good way.
Your hair has gotten so long, it’s lovely! Ooh, better make sure you keep those ends trimmed though.
I honestly never pictured you doing this something adventurous. Good for you!
Little digs disguised as compliments, and I am sure if you have narcissistic friend experience, you can add to those phrases all day long.
Don’t ignore this. This isn’t a friend bigging you up, this is a friend constantly pulling you down – with a smile.
#5 You feel drained, not energized after seeing them
A classic sign that you’ve got yourself a narcissistic friend is that you exit their company feeling as though you’ve been up for five days straight.
Your mind’s a mess and you feel totally exhausted. You should feel happy, right? Spending time with people you love, but it doesn’t work that way.
Feeling drained means they’ve sucked the life out of you, and refusing to be conscious of that means they will carry on doing that as long as you’ll allow it.
Friendships shouldn’t feel that way, and I don’t think you need me to tell you that.
They should be uplifting and inspiring. There shouldn’t be a feeling of dread at the pit of your stomach when you think about spending time with them.
You shouldn’t join the dots of, “I am seeing my friend Saturday, and I know I am going to have to write Sunday off as an exhaustion day.”
That’s not how friendships work, and that’s the reason why you cannot ignore this sign.
I know it’s not easy to see patterns and how they exist in your friendship circles, but don’t allow one person to spoil the whole dynamic.
