When the time comes where you and the narcissist break up, I wouldn’t expect a smooth ride, especially to begin with.
The freedom of officially parting ways is usually met with a common factor of hatred that spew from the direction of the narcissist.
There’s one thing in particular I feel like I need to share with you. It’s bad, guys.
That’s your official warning to buckle up and take note.
Control Is Everything to a Narcissist
Let’s take a brief lesson in control, because it really is the most underrated aspect of narcissistic abuse.
And I know that sounds ironic, because it is talked about enough. But what really is control?
For a start, how do you feel when I initiate this subject?
You’re likely to be a person who has experienced a narcissistic first hand, and if that’s the case, the control they had over you will be flooding back to you as you read.
And it really does look different for every victim, but the core of it is the same.
If a person is controlling another in a relationship, it will not just be in one area of it. That control will successfully seep into all areas.
What you think.
How you feel.
Your opinions.
What you wear.
Your hobbies.
Your friendships.
Your job.
Your confidence.
Your self-esteem.
What your favorite foods are.
What you watch on TV.
What you learn to hate or stop doing.
Where you go on vacation.
The narrative.
I could go on, but I want you to understand the depths narcissists go to, to really control everything.
Now imagine a break-up, and you go your separate ways.
The narcissist has gone from controlling all of the above and much more, to controlling absolutely nothing.
They Hate Losing Control of the Narrative!
Yes – that last point I made above is the one in focus for you today.
The narrative.
And it’s really the main point I want to make, and the one thing narcissists hate about break-ups the most.
If you think about it, losing control of the narrative would mean the narcissist would fall apart in every way.
They lose credibility. They lose trust from people. They lose their image. They lose the ability to control what everybody else thinks, does or says.
They lose the dynamics that they built up to control. They lose the idea that they are the victim.
It all goes, and that’s devastating.
The bottom line?
Narcissists can’t control the way something is shaped or perceived by people. Oh believe me, they will try to.
But ultimately, they can’t do it like they did when you were together.
To be misunderstood is to be exposed. But is it really being misunderstood? To them it is, but to you, it’s the truth.
When You Heal, They Lose Relevance
How could a narcissist possibly remain relevant to you if you’re out in the world healing your emotional scars and moving on?
It’s just not possible. The only way you can heal is by seeing the narcissist as a much smaller version of themselves that they claimed to be.
Realistically, they are not a God or Goddess to worship. They’re a normal person with a lot of problems.
As you get to the point where you know you deserve better and you fight for that, everything the narcissist tries to do to stop you will be pushed away from you, by you.
This is not good for the audience of the narcissist, who are expecting a show where the narcissist is the main character. They bought tickets, and were promised a delivery that the narcissist is now unable to produce.
Your Truth Becomes Their Threat
Suddenly, the truth has a little way out. There’s a light that it wants to follow to break free, and the narcissist lives in absolute fear this will happen…
…When it does, the narrative the narcissist issists has been trying to hold onto all this time will be washed away with the next tide.
And that’s a good thing, right? It means the truth is prevailing. It gives people an opportunity to hear your side of the story and know all along that you were right and the narcissist was wrong.
It is the perfect way to feel justified in everything you’ve felt over your time knowing them.
But you know what? You’re now a threat.
Not only do you have information on the narcissist, you also have every right to speak your mind and share your experiences of them with others.
Sure, they probably programmed you to fear talking about them due to consequences, but what if the truth outs itself?
What if you’re just innocently going about your day, and somebody witnesses the narcissist being unkind or unpleasant?
It’s game over for the narcissist, I can assure you. As it should be. The truth of the matter is that they’re never safe from the real narrative, and it’s only a matter of time before they lose their fake and frankly laughable version of events to the real truth.
That’s where you feel thankful. After all, it’s about time people knew what was really going on, right?
It’s about time they got to know the person behind all the abuse, and caught a glimpse of it for themselves.
Thank goodness!
Rewriting the Story Without Them
Breaking up with a narcissist gives you a huge opportunity to start again, and I know that can sound so daunting when all you’ve been told is that you aren’t capable or good enough.
Your story is not finished the moment your relationship ends, in fact, it’s just the chapter that ends – and it wasn’t a good one.
While you’re getting on with your life, the narcissist is going to hate watching you leave them.
If it isn’t enough that they fear abandonment more than you’d ever know, they’re now blissfully aware that everything they’ve programmed into you is about to be reversed.
It takes time, I’ve got to tell you. Nothing big happens overnight, but the problem is wanting it to.
Recovering from narcissistic abuse involves much self-reflection, and looking at what behaviors you sought out, as well as what behaviors you exhibit to attract narcissists.
And it’s tough. It’s hard to also rewire your thoughts about yourself. Without self-esteem, you cannot heal, and without healing, there can be no increase of self-esteem.
Knowing you just need to put one foot in front of the other is the first and most crucial step.
Persistence will be the one conscious form of awareness that ensures you do this = and any victim can overcome their abuse.
I want to say that again, because it’s really important:
Any victim can overcome their abuse.
The key is knowing you deserve it, putting the work in, and not being pulled back into it.
The narcissist will hate to see you thrive after so many years of them pulling the strings, but that’s what breaking up is all about.
Ultimately, you have to leave the situation, and not look back.
Only then will you really know what freedom both looks and feels like.
