You want to live in a world where you can strongly rely on yourself? Well then, you’d better not run into a narcissist, because they will take it all away from you.
In fact, your independence will be a danger to them. It’s like you’re being punished for daring to step into your own character proudly.
Let me let you into a secret…
…They punish you because they’re in fear of your strength.
Here’s why.
Your identity is central to the narcissist
You might think who you are doesn’t matter to the narcissist. They don’t mind if you are this or that, as long as you love them and stay loyal.
In truth, you’re not meant to naturally fit that mold. You’re supposed to stand up for what you believe in, and trust your instincts.
Meeting a narcissist usually involves surrendering your instincts, and handing over the courage to stand up.
They will soon get their toxic claws into you and change how you see the world – and them. When you do, then you will fit the mold.
Who you are does matter to the narcissist, but only after they’ve fundamentally changed you to be acceptable to them.
That heavily involves a lack of independence.
Pulling away spells trouble for them
If you think about it, if you were independent of character, you are able to do the following things with ease:
- Setting boundaries
- Rebuilding your confidence
- Focusing on yourself
- Making new friends
- Living life in a way that aligns with what you want from it
- Not worrying about getting out into the world on your own and making magic happen
Pulling away from their gravitational allure isn’t good news for the narcissist.
Why are you daring to go it alone? Why don’t you come running to them every time you need something? Where is their purpose within your relationship?
Without any of that, they feel they’re irrelevant. Let’s be honest, that is their worst nightmare.
Threatened!
The truth is, the narcissist will feel as though you’re rejecting them.
There will be the worry that you’re somehow dropping them and everything they’re asking of you in return to just be yourself.
In reality, healthy relationships encourage independence.
It’s good to remember that as well as being a couple, you are also two individual people who have individual likes, hobbies, goals and passions.
You compliment each other, and that’s why you’re together. But in a narcissistic abuse dynamic, that kind of freedom isn’t allowed to exist.
The threat to their control is constant, and it will unsettle them. How will they manage to reign you in? What will it take for you to weaken to their demands of you?
These are all thoughts the narcissist will have the moment you dare to live a life of independence.
New goals make them feel irrelevant
So, you’ve thought of a few ways to improve your life?
Cue the fear being let out into the wild! What are you doing? Why are you thinking about yourself this way?
Why are you manifesting change and improvement when you should be living under their control?
That’s why they hate to see you grow. They don’t like it when you evolve, as it’s something they are naturally no good at.
Stopping you from doing so involved a great deal of criticism, mockery and a very contrasting state of blowing hot and cold with you to make you doubt yourself.
Their hope is that you will quit.
Then they can blame you for being a quitter.
Makes no sense, right?
They will do what they can to dim your light
The most painful comments I hear from survivors of narcissistic abuse are all the stories of the narcissists they knew trying to dim their light.
And to some extent, those attempts worked.
Before they knew them, there would have been brightness within their eyes, a kind of spark about them that makes them who they are.
Over the course of their time knowing them, that light will have been slowly yet surely dimmed to almost nothing.
This is done with various snide remarks, or picking fights day and night. Or what about the sabotaging of your progress in whatever you’re doing?
Seeing you try and win means you’re wanting to go out into the world by yourself and make it happen. That light is yours, and you’re keeping it bright by being you.
As soon as the narcissist sees the danger in this, they have to put a stop to it.
Even the strongest people out there struggle with this kind of abuse, because it happens over such a long period of time, like a slow burning candle.
You won’t notice until the scales have tipped and you no longer recognize yourself.
You don’t want to do the things you once loved any more, and there may be several reasons why (none that you can remember actively implementing in your mind – that was all the narcissist).
Their fear of losing control over you…
…Is the real problem: NOT YOU! The moment you decide to be more independent without being held back by their abuse or attempts to keep you small will be when they live in the most fear.
I can assure you, this happens in all dynamics where a narcissist is found at the center.
Look to sniff fear out, and there they will be, shaking like a leaf knowing you are starting to build a life for yourself without caring about what they say or think.
That’s why those who comply stay in relationships for so long.
- Taking away bank account details and cards.
- Isolating you from family and friends.
- Convincing you to give up all your hobbies.
- Even convincing you to give up your job.
- Telling you that you look fat or ugly so you don’t go out and socialise any more.
- Criticizing you at every opportunity, or making jokes about you to kill your confidence.
These are classic narcissistic moves, delivered to have you turn to them all the time.
You don’t know what you want, or what you stand for any more. You no longer even know what you like because every time you try to like something, you get told it’s wrong or not good enough, or too this, or too that.
And that’s where the smaller you get, the bigger they get. You’re literally feeding them your energy, and they are lapping it up.
This all stops when you say, no more. To hell with what they tell you, you’re going to do it anyway, you’re going to see your friend anyway, you’re going to wear that dress anyway.
So what if they don’t want you working in that city, you’re going to apply for the job anyway.
You become independent of thought and action. You believe in yourself and the reality you experience no matter how much they try to change it.
That’s how you live your life fully, and that’s how you invoke the maximum level of fear in the narcissist.
They don’t care about you, they just want to control you so they feel some kind of sick power.
It’s time to WALK AWAY.
