As you watch the narcissist walk out the door, a few thoughts will surface. Where are they going? Why are they leaving? What did I do wrong?
Natural thoughts like this won’t really shine a light on the truth, they will just frustrate you further.
It’s much easier to come here to Narcissism HQ and get the full low down, because I have the real answer.
And it isn’t because they’ve found somebody better, either!
Time to say goodbye…
I wonder how much in common you’ll all have if you pooled the words together to describe a narcissist leaving you.
It’s a running theme that panic and fear set in with victims when the abuser in their life decides to up and leave.
Think about it. You’ve been told all this time that you’re good for nothing, that you’d never survive alone in the world.
You’ve been kept from finances, probably held back from earning a lot of money in general, and isolated from your family and friends.
Suddenly, the narcissist decides they want to with somebody else and want to leave.
You probably think, “How can you leave? What am I going to do without you? How will I cope on my own? Where will I go?”
That sense of safety and comfort, even in the face of abuse, is ripped from you and you don’t know what to do.
Like it or not, they’ve made their minds up, and it’s time to say a firm goodbye.
Finding somebody else may not have been ideal for you, but you can’t force them to stay, and hey, why would you want to?
Don’t blame yourself
Let’s get a little something clear here, because narcissists will make you think you’re to blame for everything as much as they can.
Leaving you for somebody else doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you.
There’s a strong possibility you already thought something was wrong with you, and that was before they chose to leave you and run into the arms of another.
It’s not your fault. I need you to stop assuming it’s because the other person is better in some way.
You already gave the relationship your everything, so how can anybody actually be better?
They can’t. The real reason the narcissist is leaving is because they aren’t getting the right reactions from you any more.
Your reactions equate to a valuable source of supply, so if you’re giving nothing, they’re getting nothing.
And that’s a good thing! You figured out who they really are underneath that cloak of doom, or you just started to put yourself first.
Whatever the reason for you not bending over backwards any more, the narcissist can’t survive without your neediness or reactions to their abuse.
If anything, you should be giving yourself a pat on the back for this shift in dynamics.
For how long did you tolerate the narcissist? The way they made you cry when you were in the middle of a good day, the way they told you how pathetic you are for liking that song, or that hobby, or that item of clothing. The way they bruised your happiness just because they could.
You started asking questions
Many victims atest to losing the narcissist when they start asking questions.
Each question is a vital piece of the puzzle that, when put together, reveals the real person underneath the mask.
And here you are, putting those pieces slowly yet surely together.
Why do you always seem to get stressed before you know we’re heading out somewhere?
Why did you tell people that I said XYZ?
Why don’t you just try to be happy for people for once instead of being negative all the time?
What is so wrong about my hobbies? Do you feel bad because you don’t have any?
See? Each question is a tiny piece, and they don’t know what to do about your new insights to the relationship.
Their only real choice is to find somebody to start again with. Manipulation can only work if one person hands over an aspect of themselves to the manipulator.
If you’re no longer doing that, it’s game over for the narcissist.
You stopped blaming yourself
Thank God! Blaming yourself, where does it get you? Nowhere fast!
Hold on a minute, why is you being late home from work my fault?
Why do I feel bad just because you took a wrong turn?
Why do I feel so down every time you yell at me when in fact, you’re just in a bad mood looking for a fight?
It’s funny how much time you can take trying to apologize for things you haven’t done, and it’s so energy sapping to try to make peace with somebody who is so intent on causing drama and chaos. It’s like shoveling the snow during a blizzard, right? It just doesn’t work.
So you stop. The blame game is over.
The narcissist hits nothing but dead end after dead end.
Now what?
Now they need to find another person who they can control and assert power over because it sure as heck isn’t going to be you any more. Not with this new found knowledge of toxicity.
As you panic that they’re leaving, you fail to see the goodness in it.
You fail to see that they’re only leaving because they’ve got no way to abuse you any more without you asking another question, and finding another piece to that puzzle.
You saw them for who they really are
It’s not a pretty sight, is it? Initially, you’ll probably still feel that subconscious pull toward them, because that’s what’s kept you there all that time.
The bond. The familiarity. The addictive push and pull of love vs. hate.
Why would you want to stick around for more of that? And don’t punish yourself for trying to make them love you.
You did what you thought was for the best, and now they’re proving they never cared at all.
If they did, they wouldn’t discard you just because you start wondering why they behave the way they do.
If you’re seeing a partner for who they really are, that is a red flag within itself, isn’t it?
It means somewhere along the line you were lied to. Is that really what you want to be sitting at the core of any relationship?
Exactly.
You got boundaries – not boundary issues!
Boundaries only work when they are solid. If you’re starting to notice patterns about the narcissist, you’re starting to already apply boundaries.
It means you’re refusing to accept them for who they’re showing you to be. It means that mask has revealed just a little bit of a contrasting character, and you’re wanting to dig deeper and find out exactly what that means for you.
Rather than hang around and explain themselves, they find it much easier starting the whole game again with somebody new and unsuspecting.
Next victim, start your engines!
Remember, this isn’t your problem. If anything, you got a lucky escape.
