Narcissists are only happy when they can exert power and control over you.
The more miserable you are – the more they thrive!
Sitting in the driver’s seat is where the narcissist is the most comfortable, but where does that leave you?
When you change certain things about your approach to the narcissistic relationship – platonic or romantic – they can’t stand it.
Here, I want to take you through the top 5 things that stir the narcissist into a frenzy – and I bet you will be able to relate to a few of them!
Why Aren’t You Making Them Feel Special?
Narcissists naturally assume they are better than everybody else. They want to walk into a room and divert all the attention within it to themselves, and if they don’t or can’t – they get mad.
Now this bit is where it gets interesting because the narcissist won’t throw a fit and demand all the people around them stop what they’re doing to focus on them or eat up every word they say – but they will feel disgruntled at the fact that they are presenting just like all the others.
Narcissists want to be top of the league without even realizing there is no league at all.
When a narcissist doesn’t feel special, it will unlock a deeply disturbing feeling inside of them, and that usually starts and ends with shame.
Not getting the praise, admiration, and compliments activates the insecure part of their brain. If that wasn’t enough of a red flag, the narcissistic rage would soon follow.
How dare people ignore me!
Why aren’t people talking to me?
Don’t they know who I am?
After all I do for these people, they pay me no mind.
The narcissist won’t cope in these situations because they assume to be held and remain in that zone of speciality.
Narcissists don’t see ‘special’ as thoughtful – it’s not as if they give what they receive. Nobody gets treated ‘specially’ by a narcissist – but they want that treatment to fall at their feet.
If in the early stages of a relationship, the narcissist will be keen to impress to hook in their victim. If they don’t get that special table at the restaurant, or if they see someone they know who ignores them – it will be damaging for their precious ego.
Rejection
The fragile ego of the narcissist will be dented beyond repair when you reject them. There are a couple of things to think about here.
The first is this: Rejecting a narcissist isn’t something they will ever forget. If you made plans with them but had to cancel for something else, they will hold that against you. As innocent as it may be to apologize and let them down, they won’t see it that way. They will see it as a direct rejection of spending time with them.
I try really hard to let people know that the narcissistic grudge is so destructive to the person receiving it. It can go on for days, weeks, months – even years. If the narcissist was really put out, they will burn that memory into their brain for all future events and occasions.
The reason is simple – the narcissist can’t stand rejection. They see it as a whole self rejection rather than, “Oh, I’m sorry I can’t do that for you,” or, “You know, this isn’t really working out for me.”
Life changes, things end and people come and go – but the narcissist’s ego always wants people to stay. Their innate fear of abandonment comes into play a lot of the time here.
They Aren’t a Fan of Boundaries
Why would they be? Your boundaries mean they can’t get in, no matter how hard they try to. In fact – the stronger your boundaries, the worse it makes them feel.
A narcissist’s control and power comes from the subconscious permission the other person gives them. It isn’t something people actively hand over – but it comes from the narcissist’s ability to manipulate. If your boundaries are asserted well enough and are kept consistent – the narcissist will lose their mind.
Good boundaries have consequences, so if a narcissist crosses the line of a boundary well established – they might even be told directly how unhappy the person is with them.
Being put in their place like this will bring deep shame to them.
How dare they speak to me like that.
Of course, the issue to them will never be, “Oh, I did something I wasn’t supposed to do,” after all, the narcissist is entitled!
Narcissists not being able to stand boundaries doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have any, by the way, in fact, on the contrary. Having them will keep you safe and in control of your own life.
Losing Control … of YOU
Help! I’m losing the ability to keep you under my spell, my rules, my way!
The narcissist wouldn’t like to admit when they are losing control of someone, they will just resort to anger and resentment.
The anger comes from the fact that you’ve figured out their behavior, and are making conscious efforts to improve how you avoid their tactics. Suddenly, the dynamics are forced to shift, and the narcissists don’t know what to do with themselves.
The resentment stems more from your stating to be independent and happy to be doing so. They feel they have been treated unfairly because you are doing the right thing.
Remember – the right thing for you is never the right thing for the narcissist.
Abandonment
The saddest trait of the narcissist is their deeply hidden fear of abandonment. They rely heavily on a steady river of praise and love. Their egos are so fragile that it needs constant attention, and when that attention has been threatened, or indeed leaves – they panic.
The paranoia behind constantly worrying about being left alone doesn’t fade. Instead, it’s enhanced only when they start to see movement patterns within the person they’re trying to control.
Sensing that drift sends their world into chaos as they try hard to keep hold of the person they feel/fear they’re losing.
They will not express this fear as fear, but as anger (again!)
You may be subjected to their outbursts, rage, or even the silent treatment as they try to pull you back to them.
It’s crucial to realize what it means to see these kinds of reactions within the narcissist’s behavior. Knowing what they can’t stand means you are against their pull and power.
Fearing you leaving isn’t about love – it’s about the loss of something they once felt they owned. Losing that means losing control.
