Narcissists are only happy when they can exert power and control over you.

The more miserable you are – the more they thrive!

Sitting in the driver’s seat is where the narcissist is the most comfortable, but where does that leave you?

When you change certain things about your approach to the narcissistic relationship – platonic or romantic – they can’t stand it.

Here, I want to take you through the top 5 things that stir the narcissist into a frenzy – and I bet you will be able to relate to a few of them!

Why Aren’t You Making Them Feel Special?

Narcissists naturally assume they are better than everybody else. They want to walk into a room and divert all the attention within it to themselves, and if they don’t or can’t – they get mad.

Now this bit is where it gets interesting because the narcissist won’t throw a fit and demand all the people around them stop what they’re doing to focus on them or eat up every word they say.

But they will feel disgruntled at the fact that they are presenting just like all the others.

Narcissists want to be top of the league without even realizing there is no league at all. 

When a narcissist doesn’t feel special, it will unlock a deeply disturbing feeling inside of them, and that usually starts and ends with shame.

Not getting the praise, admiration, and compliments activates the insecure part of their brain. If that wasn’t enough of a red flag, the narcissistic rage would soon follow.

How dare people ignore me!

Why aren’t people talking to me?

Don’t they know who I am?

After all I do for these people, they pay me no mind.

The narcissist won’t cope in these situations because they assume to be held and remain in that zone of speciality. 

Narcissists don’t see ‘special’ as thoughtful – it’s not as if they give what they receive.

Nobody gets treated ‘specially’ by a narcissist – but they want that treatment to fall at their feet.

If in the early stages of a relationship, the narcissist will be keen to impress to hook in their victim.

If they don’t get that special table at the restaurant, or if they see someone they know who ignores them – it will be damaging for their precious ego.

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Rejection

The fragile ego of the narcissist will be dented beyond repair when you reject them. There are a couple of things to think about here.

The first is this: Rejecting a narcissist isn’t something they will ever forget. If you made plans with them but had to cancel for something else, they will hold that against you.

As innocent as it may be to apologize and let them down, they won’t see it that way. They will see it as a direct rejection of spending time with them. 

I try hard to let people know that the narcissistic grudge is so destructive to the person receiving it.

It can go on for days, weeks, months – even years. If the narcissist was really put out, they would burn that memory into their brain for all future events and occasions.

The reason is simple—the narcissist can’t stand rejection. They see it as a whole-self rejection rather than, “Oh, I’m sorry I can’t do that for you,” or “You know, this isn’t really working out for me.”

Life changes, things end and people come and go – but the narcissist’s ego always wants people to stay. Their innate fear of abandonment comes into play a lot of the time here.

They Aren’t a Fan of Boundaries

Why would they be? Your boundaries mean they can’t get in, no matter how hard they try to. In fact – the stronger your boundaries, the worse it makes them feel.

A narcissist’s control and power comes from the subconscious permission the other person gives them.

It isn’t something people actively hand over – but it comes from the narcissist’s ability to manipulate.

If your boundaries are asserted well enough and are kept consistent – the narcissist will lose their mind. 

Good boundaries have consequences, so if a narcissist crosses the line of a boundary well established – they might even be told directly how unhappy the person is with them. 

Being put in their place like this will bring deep shame to them.

How dare they speak to me like that.

Of course, the issue to them will never be, “Oh, I did something I wasn’t supposed to do,” after all, the narcissist is entitled!

By the way, just because narcissists cannot stand boundaries doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have any.

In fact, on the contrary, having them will keep you safe and in control of your own life. 

Losing Control … of YOU

Help! I’m losing the ability to keep you under my spell, my rules, my way!

The narcissist wouldn’t like to admit when they are losing control of someone, they will just resort to anger and resentment.

The anger comes from the fact that you’ve figured out their behavior, and are making conscious efforts to improve how you avoid their tactics.

Suddenly, the dynamics are forced to shift, and the narcissists don’t know what to do with themselves.

The resentment stems more from your stating to be independent and happy to be doing so. They feel they have been treated unfairly because you are doing the right thing.

Remember – the right thing for you is never the right thing for the narcissist. 

Abandonment 

The saddest trait of the narcissist is their deeply hidden fear of abandonment.

They rely heavily on a steady river of praise and love. Their egos are so fragile that they need constant attention, and when that attention has been threatened or indeed left, they panic.

The paranoia behind constantly worrying about being left alone doesn’t fade. Instead, it’s enhanced only when they start to see movement patterns within the person they’re trying to control.

Sensing that drift sends their world into chaos as they try hard to keep hold of the person they feel/fear they’re losing. 

They will not express this fear as fear, but as anger (again!)

You may be subjected to their outbursts, rage, or even the silent treatment as they try to pull you back to them.

It’s crucial to realize what it means to see these kinds of reactions within the narcissist’s behavior. Knowing what they can’t stand means you are against their pull and power.

Fearing you leaving isn’t about love – it’s about the loss of something they once felt they owned. Losing that means losing control.

How Do Narcissists Manipulate Their Partners?

Like a master puppeteer pulling invisible strings, narcissists possess a cunning ability to manipulate their partners with a calculated precision that borders on artistry.

They employ various tactics that leave their victims bewildered and questioning their reality.

From gaslighting to love-bombing, the methods used by narcissists are as insidious as they are effective. But how exactly do they manage to exert such control?

#1 Gaslighting

Making victims doubt their memories, perceptions, and sanity.

Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic used by narcissists to make you doubt your memories, perceptions, and sanity. 

It’s a form of psychological abuse where the narcissist intentionally distorts the truth, denies previous statements, and manipulates your perception of reality. They may make you question your recollection of events, making you feel like you’re going crazy.

Gaslighting erodes your self-confidence, self-esteem, and independence. 

The narcissist wants to gain power and control over you by making you dependent on their version of reality. They may dismiss your feelings, invalidate your experiences, and make you feel overly sensitive or irrational.

This insidious tactic can have a profound impact on your mental and emotional well-being, leaving you feeling confused, powerless, and isolated.

#2. Love-bombing

Overwhelming victims with affection and attention, only to suddenly withdraw it.

After experiencing the manipulation tactic of gaslighting, you may find yourself subjected to a new form of psychological abuse known as love-bombing: being overwhelmed with affection and attention, only to have it abruptly withdrawn.

Love-bombing is a tactic used by narcissists to gain control and manipulate their partners quickly. 

At the beginning of the relationship, the narcissist showers you with love, compliments, and gifts, making you feel special and desired. They create an intense emotional bond, making you believe they’re your perfect match.

However, they withdraw their affection and attention once they feel they’ve gained your trust and dependence. 

They may become distant, dismissive, or even cruel. This sudden change leaves you confused, hurt, and desperate for their love and approval.

#3. Devaluation

They are criticizing or belittling the victim to erode their self-esteem.

During the devaluation phase, narcissists undermine your self-esteem by consistently criticizing and belittling you. 

They use this tactic to exert control and power over you. The narcissist will find fault in everything you do, constantly pointing out your flaws and failures.

They may mock your appearance, intelligence, or abilities, making you doubt yourself and your worth.

This constant belittlement slowly erodes your self-esteem, making you more reliant on their validation and approval. 

The narcissist wants you to believe that you’re unworthy of love and respect, ensuring that you remain under their control. They may even compare you unfavorably to others, further damaging your self-esteem.

#4 Projection

They are transferring their faults, feelings or behaviors onto the victim.

Narcissists often project their faults, feelings, or behaviors onto their victims, distorting reality and shifting blame. This manipulative tactic allows them to avoid responsibility for their actions and maintain their superiority.

By projecting their negative qualities onto their victims, narcissists create confusion and self-doubt in their partners. They make their victims question their perceptions and reality, leaving them feeling guilty and inadequate.

For example, if a narcissist is cheating on their partner, they may accuse their partner of being unfaithful or distrustful. 

This projection not only deflects attention away from their wrongdoing but also controls and manipulates their partner’s emotions and behaviors.

#5 Silent Treatment

Ignoring or refusing to communicate to punish the victim.

When someone uses the silent treatment as a punishment, they intentionally ignore or refuse to communicate with their victim. This form of manipulation inflicts emotional pain and controls the victim’s behavior.

By withholding communication, the narcissist aims to make their partner feel isolated, neglected, and insignificant. The silent treatment is often used as a power tactic to exert dominance and manipulate the victim’s emotions.

It can be incredibly damaging, as it creates an atmosphere of tension, anxiety, and uncertainty. The victim may feel desperate for the narcissist’s attention and validation, leading to a cycle of dependency and self-doubt.

This deliberate act of silence can have profound psychological effects on the victim, causing them to question their self-worth and perpetuating the narcissist’s control over them.

#6 Triangulation

Using a third person to validate their perspective and belittle the victim.

Triangulation occurs when a narcissist seeks validation for their perspective and belittle their victim by involving a third person. 

This manipulative tactic allows the narcissist to undermine your feelings and opinions, making you question your sanity and worth.

By bringing in a third person, such as a friend, family member, or even an ex-partner, the narcissist aims to create a sense of doubt and insecurity within you. 

They may distort the truth, exaggerate your flaws, or present themselves as the victim, all attempting to control and dominate the narrative.

This tactic not only isolates you from potential support, but it also reinforces the narcissist’s power and control over you. 

#7 Victim Playing

They are portraying themselves as the victim to gain sympathy or manipulate situations.

By portraying themselves as the victim, narcissists manipulate situations and gain sympathy. This tactic allows them to control and manipulate their partners by eliciting a sense of guilt or obligation.

Narcissists are skilled at crafting narratives that paint themselves as the innocent party while portraying their partners as the ones who’ve wronged them.

They play on the empathy and compassion of their partners, seeking to exploit their vulnerability and emotions.

By positioning themselves as the victim, narcissists not only deflect attention away from their toxic behaviors but also gain the upper hand in the relationship dynamic. 

Their partners may feel compelled to apologize, make amends, or even question their perceptions, all to appease the narcissist and maintain peace.

#8. Hoovering

Showering victims with affection when they try to leave, to suck them back into the relationship.

Are victims of narcissistic manipulation often showered with affection to lure them back into the relationship? Absolutely.

This tactic, known as hoovering, is a common tool used by narcissists to maintain control and power over their partners.

When you try to leave, they’ll suddenly shower you with love, attention, and affection, making you question your decision to leave in the first place.

They know exactly how to push your emotional buttons and exploit your vulnerabilities, using your desire for love and validation against you.

This sudden display of affection can be incredibly confusing and disorienting, making it difficult to resist their advances.

They’ll use this opportunity to manipulate and gaslight you, convincing you that they’ve changed and that things will be different this time.

#9 Smear Campaign

Spreading false rumors or exaggerating truths to tarnish the victim’s reputation.

After luring you back into the relationship with a sudden display of affection, narcissists may resort to a smear campaign, spreading false rumors or exaggerating truths to tarnish your reputation. 

This tactic undermines your credibility and isolates you from your support network.

The narcissist will strategically target individuals who are close to you, such as friends, family, or colleagues, to poison their perception of you. They may fabricate stories and twist the truth, making you appear untrustworthy, unreliable, or dangerous.

By tarnishing your reputation, the narcissist gains control and power over you, as they effectively destroy your social standing and make it difficult for you to maintain healthy relationships.

#10 Negging

Backhanded compliments are a tactic to make victims feel vulnerable and seek their approval.

Negging, a manipulative tactic used by narcissists, involves giving backhanded compliments to make their victims feel vulnerable and seek their approval. 

This technique undermines the victim’s self-esteem by mixing a compliment with an insult or criticism. By doing so, the narcissist gains power and control over their partner’s emotions, making them more dependent on their validation.

For example, they might say, ‘You’re really pretty for someone your age,’ implying that the person is only attractive because of their age, rather than their inherent beauty. 

This backhanded compliment leaves the victim feeling insecure and seeking reassurance from the narcissist. Over time, this manipulation erodes their self-confidence, making it easier for the narcissist to maintain control in the relationship.

#11 Moving Goalposts

Continuously changing expectations and standards keep the victim in perpetual confusion and pursuit.

Continuously shifting expectations and standards create a perpetual state of confusion and pursuit for the victim in the manipulative tactic of moving goalposts.

When you first enter a relationship with a narcissist, they may set certain expectations and standards for you to meet. 

However, these expectations constantly change as time passes, leaving you feeling like you can never truly meet their ever-shifting demands.

They may praise you one moment for meeting their expectations, only to suddenly criticize you for not meeting a new set of standards they’ve just created. This manipulation tactic keeps you on your toes, constantly striving to please and gain their approval.

The constant confusion and pursuit of their ever-changing goalposts can leave you feeling trapped and powerless, questioning your worth and sanity.

#12 False Promises

Making grand promises without intending to keep them to control the victim’s behavior.

As the narcissist manipulates their partner by continuously shifting expectations and standards, they also employ the tactic of making grand promises without any intention of keeping them to control the victim’s behavior. 

This behavior aims to gain power and control over their partner, keeping them tangled in a web of false hope and dependency.

By making grand promises, the narcissist creates a false sense of security and happiness, only to shatter it later when they conveniently forget or disregard their commitments. This deliberate deception makes the victim feel disappointed, confused, and desperate for validation.

The narcissist uses these broken promises as a means of manipulation, ensuring that the victim remains compliant and fearful of losing the narcissist’s affection.

It’s a cruel and calculated strategy that perpetuates the narcissist’s control and domination over their partner.

#13 Intermittent Reinforcement

Alternating between reward and punishment to create an addiction to their approval.

Intermittent reinforcement creates an addiction to the narcissist’s approval by alternating between reward and punishment. This manipulative tactic keeps you hooked on their validation, constantly seeking their approval and trying to please them.

At times, the narcissist may shower you with love, affection, and praise, making you feel valued and special. 

These rewards create a euphoria and reinforce your desire for their approval. However, they can be taken away just as quickly as the rewards come.

The narcissist may suddenly become distant, cold, or critical, leaving you confused and desperate for their positive attention once again. 

This alternating pattern between reward and punishment keeps you in constant uncertainty, making their approval feel like a rare and precious commodity.

You become addicted to seeking their validation, hoping the next reward is near.

#14 Feigning Innocence

Denying or feigning ignorance about a clearly manipulative act to confuse the victim.

After experiencing the addictive cycle of intermittent reinforcement, narcissists further manipulate their partners by feigning innocence and denying or pretending to be ignorant about their manipulative acts, leaving the victims confused and questioning their perceptions. 

This tactic is aimed at gaslighting their partners, making them doubt their own sanity and memory.

When confronted with their manipulative behavior, narcissists often respond with statements like ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about’ or ‘I would never do something like that.’ 

By casting doubt on the victim’s perception of reality, the narcissist gains control and power over the relationship. The victim feels confused, frustrated, and unable to trust their judgment.

The narcissist’s feigned innocence serves as a potent weapon in their arsenal of manipulation tactics, further undermining the victim’s self-esteem and fostering a sense of powerlessness.