Narcissists really want to know so much. If they could go around interviewing people and making and taking notes every day – they would.
But let me get one thing clear.
There are questions they will never ask you, and more interestingly, there are some epic reasons why they won’t dare.
I will let you into a little secret before we begin…
…These 12 questions are questions you should be asking yourself.
The Longing
Victims of narcissistic abuse long for these kinds of questions. They enter the relationship assuming it will travel a course and distance, including respect and support, love and understanding.
The truth is far from this ideal, but that ideal does exist in healthy relationships.
To help you realize that you’re not in that healthy relationship, I curated these questions to open your eyes and encourage you to admit that you’re not thriving in the union that you’re in.
#1 “How Are You Feeling?”
Imagine a world where your feelings are given a little time and day. You come home after a terrible day at work, and nothing has gone your way.
They spot your change in mood, and ask after you.
Or imagine you don’t feel entirely happy with the relationship, and you feel you’ve drifted apart.
They sense your distance and ask you how you’re feeling.
It’s what we should all be doing in relationships, but sadly narcissists are only thinking of themselves.
It’s a tough world to live in when it’s like this, and life with a narcissist can feel so isolating.
But don’t kid yourself – they’re never going to care enough to ask this.
#2 “How Can I Support You?”
We don’t always thrive in life, do we? It’s safe to say that when challenges are thrown our way, it can be tricky to juggle them all and manage our well-being in a healthy manner.
So what do we do? We reach out to our support system and ask for a little help.
Or if they’re really intuitive people, they will spot your distress and come to you first.
Wouldn’t it be lovely?
Of course it would. But I think you need a reality check if you think any narcissist will offer you support unless there’s something big in for them at a later date.
#3 “Did I Hurt You?”
Reflection!
I’ll just say it now – never going to happen.
Narcissists don’t reflect. Could you imagine them being so entitled if they had that ability? I for one could not.
As narcissists can be so cold and cruel, it would seem highly unlikely that they’d then come to you with a conscience and ask if what they did hurt or upset you.
#4 “What Do You Need From Me?”
Well, how long have you got?!
Usually, this is where victims of narcissistic abuse ought to reel out a long, long list and give it to the narcissist.
That list still exists ,whether they ask for it or not. And what you need from them is more than they will ever care to admit.
I know you wish more work had gone into nurturing your relationship, but they’re just not willing to admit that they treated you so badly.
So, this question will never come, much to your own disappointment.
#5 “Do I Need To Change?”
Throw us a heap of self-reflection, why don’t you?
Is there a better version of yourself that you can be for us?
What improvements can you make, like your listening skills or ability to understand us on our bad days?
A person shouldn’t change just because they’re with you. They should still hold the same hobbies and passions.
But if there’s a part of them that could learn by adjusting, such as not talking over you, or ignoring you for no reason, then yes.
Please change.
Narcissists egos are far too big to admit they need to be anything other than what they are. Don’t even waste your time hoping.
#6 “Do You Think I Could Have Handled That Better?”
Wait, you expect a narcissist to ask for your point of view, so they can actually listen to it and learn from something?
If only!
The chances of this phrase falling out of a narcissist’s mouth are zero.
Sorry to disappoint you.
#7 “How Was Your Day?”
Caring enough to ask…
People in narcissistic relationships will ask, what’s that like?
They won’t know. The narcissist isn’t bothered about your day. They will judge you by how you present. If you’re happy, it was a good one. They will ruin it.
If you’re sad, it was a bad one, and they’ll still ruin it by making it worse.
#8 “What Can I Do To Make You Feel More Loved?”
Even the thought of this will probably make those who have fallen for a narcissist feel dismayed.
I know you all wanted to be loved by them. And when they showed you their first version, you thought that would stick.
Time proved that it didn’t, and the mask slipped. If only they could be attentive, affectionate, or have you down as important enough to enquire after.
Yeah. Forget it.
#9 “Do You Think I’m Too Controlling?”
I would love to see the look on their face when you say yes as much as the look on your face if the narcissist you know even dared to ask this question.
They already know they are. They don’t need you to spell it out for them.
#10 “Are You Happy?”
Who is ever happy under the control of a narcissist?
Not one single person.
You might feel comfortable, but there’s nothing right about sitting in something familiar, and mistake that for a good thing.
It isn’t always.
Happiness – your happiness – needs to come first.
That’s why they will never ask you if you’re even feeling it.
#11 “Have I Been Unfair?”
You mean all those times they needlessly treated you like crap? Or when they cheated on you and blamed you for it?
What about all the critical comments, or how they took away your financial freedom?
If a narcissist fired this at you, and you honestly answered, you’d be there the rest of the day firing those answers right into their face.
#12 “What Do You Think?”
Are we even allowed to think around a narcissist? I thought that was the last ounce of personal autonomy they took from us?
Your opinion should always matter, but as you’re made to think you as a whole person doesn’t, the narcissist will never ask you what you think.
They don’t need your thoughts. You just need to do as they say.
