Being a victim of narcissistic abuse means you’re going to have to tolerate the kind of treatment that will ruin your entire wellbeing. It won’t stop at one thing; instead crippling all aspects of who you are.
As you fight for your identity, the narcissist will continue to steal from you, doing these 8 things to get you at your most stressed out.
I want to talk about the stress this causes, and why these things should never be overlooked.
1 Invalidates them
Inward stress every time you don’t get heard, respected, or believed builds slowly yet surely over your time with a narcissist.
When you’re told to stop crying because it’s no big deal, or when you’re trying to talk about how you feel, and the narcissist laughs or gets defensive rather than hears what you’re saying; that’s cutting.
It’s also infuriating, as all you want is to not feel invisible, yet somehow that’s all the narcissist manages to make you feel.
But you know, if you even slightly did this back, the narcissist would never let you forget about it.
When you’re invalidated, you learn over time to just stop talking, or sharing news or views, because what’s the point? Holding it all in is a stress ignitor, too, and sadly, that’s the case for many narcissistic abuse victims.
2 Uses weaponized incompetence
You’re just so much better at it than I am. I forgot how to do it. I just can never get the hang of it.
Or even worse:
Does half a job.
Weaponized incompetence is a common trick narcissists love to pull when they know they want you to take on more jobs or errands, so they can sit back and watch you get majorly stressed.
And you do. You find it easier to do it yourself because the narcissist makes sure they don’t do whatever it is properly.
As if you haven’t got enough on your plate, now you have to take on what they claim to be unable to do properly, either by voice or action. They will see the funny side when you aren’t looking, but you’re nowhere near laughter.
In fact, you’re just about hanging on by a thread.
3 Falls through on a promise
When you’re waiting for the narcissist to follow through on their word, you can bet you’ll be waiting a lifetime.
That’s what keeps victims sticking with these abusive people for so long; they think it will magically happen overnight, but it never does.
The promise gets forgotten, excuses are made, and somehow it all becomes your fault for being too needy or wanting too much.
But who picks up your pieces? Who tells you not to feel worthless through the narcissist’s insistence that you are not their priority?
Nobody. So you sink into the stress of constantly feeling second, third, or even fourth best.
4 Lets their kids down
This is a big one, and one that affects the stress levels of so many people who have to watch the narcissist in their life constantly let their kids down.
It’s all well and good letting me down, but the second you let them down, my stress levels will reach the stratosphere.
Quite right. Watching little faces fall ignites that inner beast we all carry when it comes to warning to protect our kids.
Narcissists don’t care, and will treat their kids the same as everybody else, which you as the victim can’t stand to see. You know how painful it is for you, and you have far more comprehension than your kids will have about these toxic dynamics.
Nobody is exempt from their abuse and games.
5 Sabotages important events or occasions
When dates of significance roll around, it’s understandable that you’d want them to run smoothly, without drama, and zero stress. If you’re unfortunate enough to be the victim of a narcissist, don’t anticipate such peace.
Those events you were looking forward to will swiftly become occasions of distress and dread, as your narcissist sabotages them.
They will be late. They will cause arguments throughout the build-up. They will forget. They will ‘lose’ things. Something will break. People may even fall out. They will make threats.
Whatever can be done to ruin what you’ve been looking forward to, you can be it’s going to happen.
Why wouldn’t that cause untold stress within you? Can nothing you’ve planned be nice? Can you not look forward to one thing without their toxicity clashing with it?
The short answer is no, but the longer answer will reveal itself to the victims who have to tolerate this in their lives. I do not envy the toll the stress will take on you.
6 Lies to others about them
When a lie circles back to you, about you, what is more infuriating? Where did it start? You want to dig back and find the person responsible, and you discover that, yet again, the narcissist has had their stick in the pot, stirring it.
The stress comes from having to either tolerate the lies, or try hard to defend your innocence, trying to prove to people that these are just falsities your name has become caught up in.
You’re a terrible person. You’re a liar. Your relationship is dying. You aren’t loyal.
The lies can be about anything and everything, but namely they are ruining your good, genuine name and how people think of you.
And all for the narcissist’s fun and games…
7 Shares personal information about them with others
This one hits people hard, because it really does get personal.
Imagine intimate details being spread around about you. Finances. Health or medical episodes or conditions.
Suddenly people you barely know are contacting you or approaching you in the street, asking if you’re okay, or wanting to know if you managed to get a job yet to pay off your debts.
Where is all of this coming from? How do people know? Your face burns with embarrassment, and you know who is responsible before you’ve even had time to blink.
That’s because, yet again, the narcissist is causing the stress only they know how to cause. They can’t just keep information to themselves, they have to spread it like gossip, even though it’s heavily disrespectful to you.
That won’t bother them one bit.
8 Switches off their phone to become uncontactable
Right when you need them the most, the narcissist will pick up their phone and switch it off with a smirk.
For the rest of the day, you’ll be lucky to get through to them as they leave you high and dry. You call, you leave messages. You text and keep checking to see if there are two ticks next to it.
But no. Nothing. And you know, what gets you the most stressed is if you tried this trick with them, you’d never be allowed to forget it. They would punish you and seek revenge so quickly, because you have to drop everything for them.
It doesn’t work both ways, and when it really matters is when you feel at your most alone.
