My Roommate is a Narcissist; What To Do Next?

Q: Hi, I recently discovered/realized that I was being Manipulated by my roommate. I finally went to him and Begged for him and his friends to stop(proxy recruitment)one more time before I made a terrible Decision to …end my life. I couldn’t take it anymore But I got a blank stare of evil. I went to where I slept in the Office/spare bedroom and cried for hours. I played, got baited, punished, and worse I cant even believe it. I’m trying hard to stand my ground and not be scared and have tried leaving but something always happens. Cops called after it got physical but I haven’t received help. Do you know what I can do?

A: It sounds like you are in a living hell. It doesn’t sound like it can get any more destructive or toxic. If you do not have any legal obligation to stay…LEAVE. NOW. Go stay with a friend or a family member, even a homeless shelter, for a few days- Anywhere- until you can find a different, healthier place to stay.  You don’t say what kinds of things “happen” to make you stay- but certainly they can’t be worth taking your life over. I am not sure which country you are writing from, but please contact the equivalent of the Domestic Abuse Center (or crisis hot line) for you are certainly being abused at home, physically and psychologically. They may also be able to provide you with safe, temporary shelter. If you are having suicidal thoughts, please tell the crisis hot line or Domestic Abuse workers and ask them to help you get counseling. Please see a therapist right away. You are in a dangerous situation- Get Out.

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  • Alexander, I totally understand your situation. I have been through a similar mess few years ago.

    The absolutely best solution is to MOVE OUT ASAP. If you have enough money, please move out it will be the best decision and investment in your life.

    Few words of advice:

    1. Don’t waste your time and energy talking and reasoning with the narcissistic, it is utterly useless.

    2. The helplessness, inadequacy and weakness the narcissistic wants to instill in you are nothing more than ugly lies.

    3. Ignore the body language of narcissists, it is only another channel of manipulation.

    4. If you can’t move out for any number of reasons (not enough money, no family support,…), then you are left with no choice but to minimize mental and emotional damage.

    5. What I am going to say next is politically incorrect, and should only applied as a last resort.
    Narcissistic are not emotionally human, therefore you need to communicate with them on a more primitive (animalistic) level. Instill fear in the narcissist and you would gain peace at least for some time.
    It is up to you to be creative if you want to apply this.

    In my experience getting physical, taking the narcissistic by SURPRISE and hitting him HARD, QUICK, with NO TIME to DEFEND or to ASK for HELP will definitely do the trick. Get help if possible from your friends, or the narcissistic enemies (other willing victims are the best for this job!) and don’t leave any mark (blue eye, bruises…) and avoid witnesses.
    All in all, this is only a power display, the more the narcissist feels overwhelmed and weak the better, don’t over do it.

    6.If the police gets involved just DENY DENY DENY and portray yourself as a VICTIM no matter what, don’t fell in the TRAP of talking about self defense (unless of course you have irrefutable evidence) .

    I know how hard it is if people around you don’t understand your problem, it is a pretty lonely hell. Please keep us updated on your situation. I want to know how you have dealt the abuse.

  • I just got out of a situation like yours. I actually attempted suicide it got so bad, which the narc only found laughable. Thankfully my boyfriend saw the signs and rushed over to help me.

    The only advice I can give to anyone in this situation is this:
    Nothing you say or do for the narc will change the situation.
    Do not give them more fuel, become a ‘grey rock’.
    COVER YOUR TRACKS!!! Quietly. Do not make anything obvious.
    Get out quickly.

    Here’s pretty much what I had to do to get out, might help others:
    Set up a meeting with your landlord asap. Tell him that the narc has made it virtually unlivable for you there. In most cases even if you are contractually bound you can get off the lease if the other room mate is making it a hell. If you can be taken off tell him that because of the situation that you do not want this disclosed to the narc until you have solid plans made for your move or you are out of the situation entirely. (mine, after telling him what was happening, just handed me papers to sign and said I could handle the rest as I wanted to.)

    I kept as quiet as possible and tried not to be home when she was. If I had to be I made sure my boyfriend was there with me as a buffer. Tried to slowly pack things she wouldn’t notice and moved it into the new place. Everything else I did as quickly as possible, no chance for retaliation. They may try to steal your things, break your things, slow down your move by being unreasonable so its best to find a way to do it as quickly as possible with as little knowledge to them as possible.

    Pretty much when it was said an done she tried to rip me off, tried to get her mom to do it to. All through nasty emails and texts. Then, here’s the kicker, they told me that they went to the landlord and that he’s upset with me. That I was not allowed to move out and that I legally had to pay them the rent for such and such months. I laughed in their faces and called them out for lying. Told them I had went to the landlord weeks in advance and had the move cleared already and told them to never contact me again.

    They are going to lie cheat and steal at every opportunity they get, so don’t give them the opportunity. Become a ghost until you are out of there.

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