Last Updated on April 18, 2021 by Alexander Burgemeester
Question from a dedicated reader
Q: My husband of 40 years died last year. I just recently discovered by all that I read that he was a cerebral narcissist. He was also an alcoholic and passive-aggressive. We dated for 1 year with all the great stuff. Got married and 9 months later I got pregnant. Sex was fine until 1-2 months before she was born.
After her birth he turned on a dime. No more sex–started fights every night and then he just got meaner and then verbally and physically abusive. I did all the right things by leaving at times and calling the police and even had a court order of protection 1 time.
My question is he never came back sexually except 1 time to get pregnant with my 2nd daughter. I know he was into porn and nothing came up as far as him having any affairs. How is this possible. He never discarded me or threatened to leave. Just told me once if I left him he would prove that I was an incompetent mother.
Scare tactic. He just devalued me. He was a surgeon and a highly functioning narc and alcoholic. Excelled in his profession. Why did he not want to leave ?? How can somebody live like this ?? No intimacy—lived to work–major supply. I stayed because of my faith—and I knew he could be very vindicative. After reading all the other posts about being discarded I wonder why he never threatened to leave. Seemed content just to be married maybe for appearance’s sake.
Have any answers. NO SEX/INTIMACY for 40 years blows my mind. Who does that? He never had any red flags before marriage. Perfect gentleman and sex were normal but he was not too experienced. Did he get triggered by her birth ?? Or what ?? Never met a man like this. I hope you have some insights.
A: A classic cerebral narcissist engages in sexual intercourse only on rare occasions and prefers personal stimulation as a means of sexual satisfaction.
It is hypothesized that they prefer the anonymity and lack of intimacy associated with pornography over the intimacy of a personal relationship. A cerebral narcissist gets his Supply from the accolades he receives for his intelligence or work (in your husband’s case, his surgical skills and successes).
A cerebral narcissist does not need (or want) intimacy; it is as simple as that. They typically only leave when they are not seen as superior at home; it is clear you still admired him as a surgeon and that was good enough for him.
It is hard to say exactly what triggered his narcissism- but if it wasn’t the birth of his child it would have been something else. It also may not have been the birth itself, but the fact that you diverted your attention/adoration to someone else.