Q: I was married to a diagnosed narcissist for 20 years, together 24. My story is incredible and includes a pre planned exit by husband to take settlements after 8 years of Being of for his third long term self inflicted work injury. My husband fell high on meth, valium and pot at his union job. 9 Months before we finally split, he forwarded his mail and had settlement communication. he knew he was leaving , although i begged for divorce he had to punish me. Behavior I’ve tolerated for so long…… escalated to me having no choice….. finally TRO filed because of pure tyrany calling my now 20 year old a sheman lezbo dyke and texting her friends that too ..all day everyday verbal abuse by text while I’m working, while he was claiming disability, and couldn’t get out of bed, he could only make us miserable all day everyday, within a month of exit because of severe emotional abuse, my children typing up my TRO request…. he got money…..he now rides quads, replacement and abandonment of our two children, new family IMMEDIATELY, I wanted a divorce, not my kids replaced, he never called them again, or after restrained, turning off all utilities, leaving our only vehicle inoperable,(his note said so) DV one year order has a dozen VIOLATIONS…..blocking from mortgage communications violating orders, current phone and email hacking, third party facebook posts that are EVIL, emails to my daughter by”grandma” violating and lying about me, , emails to my work trying to get me terminated, reputation destruction, stealing property from home, hiding from service for a year violating an order. My story is so long and complicated, it’s a TV movie.
I NEED HELP SO DESPRATELY !! separated and restrained since 5/12, I have sought help legally, nobody understands or helps. On my own I’ve done a lot, but my problem is I need a divorce, domestic violence, personal injury, and real estate attorney, and each one of those issues are not regular, my issues so complex…I FEEL HELPLESS, I spend every off moment looking for legal answers, researching contract law finding the IP addresses of the hacked emails, and apps to phone. I feel at a road block in every direction. I cannot even find a lawyer who knows what I’m talking about when I tell my story of illegal foreclosure..Chase mortgage refused my money dec 2012, i made every payment except one but two the following month…went to principal..I NOW KNOW…husband ordered to allow my contact in TRO hearing, he refused and violated. husband on loan, while im on title…i unaware of loan status, no mail, bank won’t Speak with me, OR ACCEPT PAYMENT. unable to get legal help to serve..I DIDN’T HAVE A VEHICLE ! Had to get a ride EVERYDAY TO WORK ! he left us with nothing,literally no power, vehicle, or a dime…..I researched for at least 6 months real estate foreclosure,the chain of title. illegal loan pools, subprime loan witJ robo signing, even loan origination mortgage broker being investigated,MY PARENTS PUT 25k on my house, and I can’t talk to the bank, THE HOUSE WAS FINAnCED IN THIER NAME LONGER THAN HIS !! AND I MADE THE PAYMENT !! complicated foreclosure and auction ..I DELAYED and am on title but not loan. I need to do quiet title. He forwarded mail, planned exit, replaced with a woman with 4 kids, all while leaving us financially devastated, no transportation, he drove brand new car within 3 months..dropping his new kids off at school in front of our daughter, who was on foot. He never sought custody, appeared at hearings, told the mediator lies he didn’t want to see his kids. I look in my 16 year olds eyes…ITS SO DEVASTATING !!! to have been abandoned with no contact, not even when attempted is …NO WORDS. POINT IS, my hair is falling out, I’m beyond stressed, overwhelmed, exhausted. my job at risk, my family destroyed by lies…a town who believes him…a huge family on his side also have no contact, A narcissist is so good that they got family to turn on kids immediately, at school the aid. Those who believe and our and agent of my ex…well after my narcissim research ..I don’t blame..I believed him for at least 15 years,,IM SO ASHAMED…My poor kids, this is not the life I wanted for them..or me. I’m hanging by a string, but I CANT GIVE UP !!! ANY RESOURCE TO GET HELP is appreciated. and yes I’ve sought help, womens somestic violence legal help is just filling out a TRO…I need legal help to handle all of thes issues, ONE PERSON WHO CARES,…I can pay money, ( on payments)not a 4k retainer, but I’LL pay monthly, I’ll do anyhting, but I can’t afford another person who gives me a differant answe ? What would you do ? and what can I do for my kids, before I LOOSE IT (: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE give me advice !! am)
A: Wow, you do have an incredibly sad story to tell. Unfortunately, everything you said is not uncommon for a narcissist to do. You need to step back and take a deep breath. You can do this…just take it slower. One day at a time. Fight the battles that are worth fighting and let all the other stuff go. For example, fight for fair living (home, operable vehicle, medical expenses) but let it go that he has replacement kids or a new car. Those are not things you can change. It is easier to cope when you are working on just 2 or 3 main priorities rather than 20 different “violations”. Working through appropriate systems takes time- it is hard to be patient when so much is being thrown at you. Continue to work through the women’s Domestic Violence group you are with and the legal help you have been given. Find an experienced attorney in divorce and domestic violence–he doesn’t have to be an expert in all the other areas-he has attorney friends/colleagues who can help him out if needed. A group practice of attorneys is your best bet- they can consult with each other as needed on the other issues. You and your children MUST stop any sort of communication with him- if he sends texts, block him on your phone and on your children’s phones. Do NOT defend yourselves- that is Narcissistic Supply for him- it only makes him do it more. Don’t respond to the letters he sends or his attorney sends–give them directly to your attorney and let him/her respond to his attorney. You should only be working through attorneys now- there should be no contact at all between you. Remember- every time you give him ANY attention or reaction, good or bad, it is like a drug to him and he will want more and seek out more. Don’t go places where you think he might be or might show up. Block him from your facebook and children’s facebook or other social media sites. There are a lot of caring individuals out there, join support groups (like domestic violence) and find supportive people in your community. Check with the schools and see if there is a counselor or school psychologist that works there that your children can get counseling from. If not, take them to a local mental health clinic where they can get counseling for a minimal fee.