Listen, I’m not going to tell you how dangerous red flags are to the person who is having them wave right in their face.
You know, and so do I.
The problem is that the charm exuding from the person behind the red flag often leaves people missing the all important warning they carry with them.
And you know what? There is one red flag in particular that most people miss…
…Get ready to find out what it is.
Red Flags Are Painfully Obvious
I truly mean that. And I know, sometimes you can’t see what’s right in front of you. The red flag is so big that you mistake it for a glowing sunset, or the burning fire of passion.
I assure you, it’s neither of those things.
It is a red flag, and if you take a few steps back, you will see it in all its glory.
And yes, usually the narcissist is the one holding it.
I often find the most common response to red flags is when clients say:
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You know, as soon as I saw that first red flag, I could not stop seeing them appear. It was like I was surrounded by them, and I had absolutely on idea they even existed.
I’d say that was a fair comment, but there is one that’s the biggest of all…
They Are Always Playing the Victim
The trust, and biggest red flag of them all.
Even when they’re the one hurting you, narcissists are always wanting to be the victim. Any opportunity to play that role, they will take it on and perfect it like only they know how to.
It’s a rehearsed character they’ve learned to play over many years of being alive, and it is the kind of red flag that is nearly almost ignored.
When you are entering a new relationship, people are designed to look out for the obvious red flags. Usually, they anticipate those to reveal themselves pretty early on, and sometimes they do.
Yelling, hitting, silence – those kinds of things. I like to think of them as the kinds of red flags that you can’t miss.
So what happens if you can’t see them? You assume those, and other red flags, don’t exist in that person.
Except they still can exist, and indeed, they do.
The red flag of always playing the victim is highly dangerous to you, and ought to be your cue to get up and walk away without so much as a brief head turn back around as you do.
Master of the False Narrative
Narcissists love a false narrative so much that they actually believe the falseness to be true.
If you’ve ever gotten to know these kinds of people on a deep level, you will know that it doesn’t matter what you say or think – the narcissist will always have control, and always seek to have the last word.
The Victim Card as a Tool for Control
When narcissists feel the gravitational pull of everybody else starting to leave orbit and head in other directions – the victim card will come along.
I’m going to use the token ‘unwell’ card here as an example, because it’s one of the most common, and I am pretty sure you’ve had to witness it at some point or another.
Imagine you’ve got a parent who is a narcissist, and they’re naturally getting older.
You rely on them less as you start your family and build a life for yourself. When you take big steps as an adult, you get pulled back by that inevitable call or text.
I am getting older.
I can’t do the things I used to do.
My health is ailing.
I’m getting forgetful.
I have a cold, and they always hit harder when you’re old like me.
My back has totally gone. I can barely move.
Narcissists need to be wanted and cared for. They need attention and for the world – and you as a previously orbiting planet – to come back to do it all over again.
In reality, sure, they’re getting older. But that doesn’t mean they need to make everything about them all of the time.
Yet – they do.
The Silent Cry for Sympathy
That’s what it all boils down to, isn’t it?
The sympathy vote can be as obvious as the narcissist wants it to be – and at times that can include crying silently.
Not hearing from them, or having them not respond to your calls or texts when you make them can make you feel guilty if you don’t chase them and see what the problem is, or even if there is a problem.
The narcissist will love you attempting to make contact so they can consciously ignore you and gain sympathy when they inevitably say:
I’ve been unwell.
I just didn’t have my phone on loud as I’m used to not hearing from people.
Don’t buy it – just notice is as the red flag that it is.
You End Up Apologizing… When You Did Nothing Wrong: Meet Sam
Relaying the story of somebody I once worked with is one of the easiest ways for you to personally relate to experience with narcissism. Not only that, but it also helps you know that you aren’t alone.
Sam had an older brother, Will, who was the Golden Child of the family. He could do no wrong, and that meant Sam was the scapegoat.
One day when they were visiting their parents, Sam was watching TV, when Will came into the room. Their parents were preparing a nice meal in the kitchen.
“Here you are again, wasting your life watching trash. I thought you would have grown out of that by now. Then you might be half as successful as me.”
Sam had spent her life hearing things like this. You’d think she’d be used to it by now, but those words still cut deep.
“Why do you always have to walk into a room and spoil a nice vibe? Why can’t you just get along with people?”
Will shot her sister a look. The biggest surprise here was that Will was a 45 year old man, and Sam just a few years younger.
“Why are you still a brat?”
Sam wasn’t a brat. She was a marketing assistant at a good firm, and she had a loving fiance, and lived in a nice house a few miles out.
She had friends, and did yoga, and helped her community by volunteering.
Sam knew Will was projecting.
“Grow up!” Sam shouted.
Suddenly, their parents arrived in the doorway, asking what was going on. Will told them that Sam was being rude and told him to shut up, and their parents didn’t think that was cool.
“I think you should apologise to your brother before we sit down and eat together, Sam,” their dad said.
It was at that moment Will knew he’d placed himself in the position of victim, and Sam was asked to say sorry for something she hadn’t done.
It was the story of Sam’s life until she discovered narcissism and narcissistic family dynamics.
This red flag had waved at her numerous times throughout her childhood, and only now, at 42, did she fully understand just how bright and big that flag was.
Narcissists are always the victim, no matter the situation.
So look out for it, at all times!
