Listen, I’m not going to tell you how dangerous red flags are to the person who is having them wave right in their face.

You know, and so do I.

The problem is that the charm exuding from the person behind the red flag often leaves people missing the all important warning they carry with them.

And you know what? There is one red flag in particular that most people miss…

…Get ready to find out what it is.

Red Flags Are Painfully Obvious

I truly mean that. And I know, sometimes you can’t see what’s right in front of you. The red flag is so big that you mistake it for a glowing sunset, or the burning fire of passion.

I assure you, it’s neither of those things.

It is a red flag, and if you take a few steps back, you will see it in all its glory.

And yes, usually the narcissist is the one holding it. 

I often find the most common response to red flags is when clients say: 

You know, as soon as I saw that first red flag, I could not stop seeing them appear. It was like I was surrounded by them, and I had absolutely on idea they even existed. 

I’d say that was a fair comment, but there is one that’s the biggest of all…

They Are Always Playing the Victim

The trust, and biggest red flag of them all. 

Even when they’re the one hurting you, narcissists are always wanting to be the victim. Any opportunity to play that role, they will take it on and perfect it like only they know how to. 

It’s a rehearsed character they’ve learned to play over many years of being alive, and it is the kind of red flag that is nearly almost ignored.

When you are entering a new relationship, people are designed to look out for the obvious red flags. Usually, they anticipate those to reveal themselves pretty early on, and sometimes they do.

Yelling, hitting, silence – those kinds of things. I like to think of them as the kinds of red flags that you can’t miss.

So what happens if you can’t see them? You assume those, and other red flags, don’t exist in that person. 

Except they still can exist, and indeed, they do. 

The red flag of always playing the victim is highly dangerous to you, and ought to be your cue to get up and walk away without so much as a brief head turn back around as you do. 

Master of the False Narrative

Narcissists love a false narrative so much that they actually believe the falseness to be true. 

If you’ve ever gotten to know these kinds of people on a deep level, you will know that it doesn’t matter what you say or think – the narcissist will always have control, and always seek to have the last word. 

The Victim Card as a Tool for Control

When narcissists feel the gravitational pull of everybody else starting to leave orbit and head in other directions – the victim card will come along.

I’m going to use the token ‘unwell’ card here as an example, because it’s one of the most common, and I am pretty sure you’ve had to witness it at some point or another.

Imagine you’ve got a parent who is a narcissist, and they’re naturally getting older.

You rely on them less as you start your family and build a life for yourself. When you take big steps as an adult, you get pulled back by that inevitable call or text.

I am getting older. 

I can’t do the things I used to do.

My health is ailing.

I’m getting forgetful.

I have a cold, and they always hit harder when you’re old like me.

My back has totally gone. I can barely move. 

Narcissists need to be wanted and cared for. They need attention and for the world – and you as a previously orbiting planet – to come back to do it all over again. 

In reality, sure, they’re getting older. But that doesn’t mean they need to make everything about them all of the time.

Yet – they do. 

The Silent Cry for Sympathy

That’s what it all boils down to, isn’t it?

The sympathy vote can be as obvious as the narcissist wants it to be – and at times that can include crying silently. 

Not hearing from them, or having them not respond to your calls or texts when you make them can make you feel guilty if you don’t chase them and see what the problem is, or even if there is a problem.

The narcissist will love you attempting to make contact so they can consciously ignore you and gain sympathy when they inevitably say:

I’ve been unwell.

I just didn’t have my phone on loud as I’m used to not hearing from people.

Don’t buy it – just notice is as the red flag that it is. 

You End Up Apologizing… When You Did Nothing Wrong: Meet Sam

Relaying the story of somebody I once worked with is one of the easiest ways for you to personally relate to experience with narcissism. Not only that, but it also helps you know that you aren’t alone. 

Sam had an older brother, Will, who was the Golden Child of the family. He could do no wrong, and that meant Sam was the scapegoat. 

One day when they were visiting their parents, Sam was watching TV, when Will came into the room. Their parents were preparing a nice meal in the kitchen. 

“Here you are again, wasting your life watching trash. I thought you would have grown out of that by now. Then you might be half as successful as me.”

Sam had spent her life hearing things like this. You’d think she’d be used to it by now, but those words still cut deep. 

“Why do you always have to walk into a room and spoil a nice vibe? Why can’t you just get along with people?”

Will shot her sister a look. The biggest surprise here was that Will was a 45 year old man, and Sam just a few years younger. 

“Why are you still a brat?”

Sam wasn’t a brat. She was a marketing assistant at a good firm, and she had a loving fiance, and lived in a nice house a few miles out.

She had friends, and did yoga, and helped her community by volunteering. 

Sam knew Will was projecting. 

“Grow up!” Sam shouted.

Suddenly, their parents arrived in the doorway, asking what was going on. Will told them that Sam was being rude and told him to shut up, and their parents didn’t think that was cool.

“I think you should apologise to your brother before we sit down and eat together, Sam,” their dad said. 

It was at that moment Will knew he’d placed himself in the position of victim, and Sam was asked to say sorry for something she hadn’t done. 

It was the story of Sam’s life until she discovered narcissism and narcissistic family dynamics. 

This red flag had waved at her numerous times throughout her childhood, and only now, at 42, did she fully understand just how bright and big that flag was.

Narcissists are always the victim, no matter the situation.

So look out for it, at all times!

DO THIS To Get Under The Skin Of a Narcissist

Have you ever wanted to get under a narcissist’s skin? Let me tell you, it’s easier than you think!

Narcissists thrive on control and being admired, but there are ways to break through their seemingly tough exterior. 

It’s actually pretty weak!

The key is understanding their weaknesses. Their fragile egos and need for validation lead to a huge fear of being exposed. 

Therefore, using the right tactics can disrupt their game and leave you to take back your power.

Ready to flip the script and watch them squirm?

#1 The Art of Staying Calm

While narcissists think the way to get somebody’s attention is to speak loudly and intimidate them – there’s a lot to be said for remaining calm and collected. Some might say there is an art to it.

Think about it. An argument begins, and you know it has nothing to do with you.

The narcissist entered the room in a certain mood, and was intent on creating noise and drama.

It goes against everything you believe in, yet there you are, experiencing it. 

What choice do you have?

Well, a lot, actually. You have a lot of choices. You can continue to play along and match the pitch. You can cry and allow them to see you being mentally drained before their eyes.

Or…

You can stay calm and let them rage and shout, knowing it has nothing to do with you. Yes, you’re the target, and nobody wants to be.

But…

You’re not the one who has to respond. Nobody does. 

Staying calm throws the narcissist into unfamiliar waters because they’re used to you acting differently.

They don’t have anything to bounce off, like they usually would. Your calm aura is like a door closing on them, and it really gets under their skin. 

Okay.

Uh-huh.

I hear you.

I’m listening, but I will not shout back at you.

I would really appreciate it if you could understand your shouting is not getting us anywhere. 

Staying calm like this is going to shut the narcissist down and pertain to the idea that noise and anger won’t get anybody anywhere.

Once they know they can’t rile you, the annoyance will lie in the new understanding that they can’t gain any supply from you this way. 

#2 Be Firm!

Well, no narcissists like firmness. 

Firmness usually means you have boundaries, and boundaries are something all narcissists hate. They can’t stand to be told which side of the line to stand.

They hate even knowing there is a line in the first place!

When somebody so toxic has been used to walking all over you, it will be a shock to them when you suddenly develop assertiveness.

You will be met with resistance when you lay down what you will no longer put up with. Remember, the narcissist is used to knowing a certain version of you. The version that says yes instead of no.

When you stop with one, and start with the other – you’re going to get right under their skin!

#3 Ignore Them: Refusing To Hand Over Supply

I don’t want you to think that ignoring them is the same as giving them the silent treatment. I don’t believe in treating toxic behavior with equal toxicity – because two wrongs don’t make a right. 

However…

Silence where noise once rested is a way of retaining dignity and class, which may previously have been reverted to supply for them regarding your emotions. 

#4 Stand in Your Truth

There’s really no better place to stand. In your truth, everything makes sense. It’s where you can stand, knowing you are giving it your all and believing in yourself fully. 

It’s where confidence starts to grow and you’ll find a more assertive version of yourself. 

For that very reason, standing in your truth even though the narcissist is trying hard to pull you out of it, is crucial.

#5 Grey Rock 

Have you ever heard of Grey Rock? I am sure by now that so many of you will know what I mean by it, but just in case, let’s get a briefing!

Grey rock is nothing. It means to give the narcissist as little, if anything at all, as possible. You hear them, and you want to respond, but instead, you choose to say, “Okay,” “Sure,” “Uh-huh.”

Your face is calm and emotionless, and there isn’t an ounce of feeling in your voice. 

Giving the narcissist the proverbial grey rock is how you retain your power and give them absolutely nothing to feed from.

Will they like it?

Absolutely not!

But the more you exude it, the smaller they will feel. 

For too long, the narcissist has provoked and triggered you.

It’s time for all of that to stop.

#6 Call Them Out – and Mean it

Hey. What you did back there was wrong. 

Do you realize how you treated that person? You act like you don’t even care.

It was your fault we were late. Even though you had the time written down, you still got here after everybody else. 

You’re trying to be mean to me, but it just won’t work. 

I see what you’re doing, and I want you to know that I don’t fall for it.

Anything where you can throw some assertive statements into the mix without getting sucked into an argument, you should be able to do.

Getting under the skin of a narcissist is how you make what they’re doing almost seem like something to belittle. Narcissists hate being caught out and hate being embarrassed even more!

#7 Start to Thrive Away From Them

If there’s one thing guaranteed to annoy a narcissist – it’s your independence. 

Oh, you’re going out?

Actually, yes I am. I am going out in this outfit, and I look fantastic. You aren’t going to stop me. 

Are you applying for that job? Isn’t it a little out of your reach?

Yes, I am applying for it because, guess what, I am qualified and skilled, and I want to get it.

Thrive. Don’t just thrive a little; thrive like you mean it!

#8 Play By Your Own Rules

It’s probably been a long time since you’ve picked up your copy of the rulebook, but it’s still there.

It may be a little dusty, but now you get to dampen it down and start acting as if you are the main character of your own life. 

Don’t ever let anybody, least of all a narcissist, dictate to you. 

Your rules equate to what you want from life and how you want to go out and fight for it all. 

This is not up for debate!