Parents aren’t aware of the catastrophic effects of children having narcissistic parents.
From the outside looking in, it seems that everything runs smoothly, but on closer inspection, all is not as it seems.
There’s one thing in particular I want to talk about, and it is what all narcissists do to their children.
Speaking up about what would otherwise go unnoticed is how we change patterns, and gain knowledge, right?
So, let’s go ahead and do that.
#1 They seem charming
Narcissists in general seem charming, so to any child, they will witness that charm, even if only every now and then.
The charm of a narcissistic parent can be particularly alluring to their children.
Looking up to that kind of figure, they see life, inspiration; a figure who is all about image and confidence.
But something doesn’t add up.
The charm is fake. If it was real, a parent who is genuinely confident would pass that strong trait down to their kids.
So why do kids of narcissistic parents present so anxiously, so down, and so empty of self-worth?
Parents don’t see it. To be on the outside looking in, all they see is a perfect image, and that’s the very thing narcissistic parents want to paint to the outside world’s view.
Other adults admire the narcissist, and when their abuse goes under the radar as it always will, they aren’t seen as dangerous.
But underneath it all, what are narcissistic parents doing to their kids? What about this treatment is going under the radar?
#2 Kids tend to soak up the truth
Eventually, the truth will out itself. Parents looking in will see perfection, but the children as they get older, will start to realize that something about the dynamic isn’t right.
With that comes what, I hear you ask.
With that comes the understanding of how a child’s mental health can shift and lessen simply based on who their parents are, and how they’re treated.
As the truth is invariably soaked up, it’s hard for those children, no matter their age, to gain understanding from those on the outside.
Anxiety is the one common factor all children who suffer at the hands of a narcissistic parent experience.
#3 Anxiety is created
It’s not all the same level for every child, and it depends heavily on how targeted you were growing up.
Some children of narcissists barely suffer, but that’s because they would have been largely exempt from the abuse, as it would have been directed to a sibling.
Anxiety doesn’t come from nothing; it’s taught. It grows where environments are unpredictable, and where rules shift and moods change at the flick of a switch.
A narcissist doesn’t care that they create instability, but when a child one day is adored, followed by ignored the next, it all has to lead somewhere.
That somewhere is not a great place.
Imagine what it must feel like for a child to grow up under the rules of somebody so unhinged, so unbothered about the wellbeing of that person?
Anxiety in a child looks like survival; it’s far beyond mere worry. It’s how the child learns to scan constantly.
What mood will they be in?
Will I be in trouble?
How will today go?
Will they talk to me?
What will they say about this or that?
Living day to day in this way keeps the nervous system awake, and refuses to let it shut down.
To the parents looking in, the child is anxious, and the narcissistic parent hasn’t a clue why.
#4 When love becomes unpredictable
…The child suffers. All children want growing up is to live in a safe, happy home.
They don’t want shouting, or rage attacks out of the blue.
But you know what’s really interesting? Children learn quickly how to adapt, so if their home isn’t safe, they develop tools to keep them safe.
People-pleasing, being obedient, not being too big or too small in personality; learning to live under the radar.
Emotions are kept under wraps, and they stop being themselves.
These aren’t healthy tools, but it’s all the child knows how to do based on their experiences so far.
Everything becomes a painful performance, where the child only knows how to live for their parent, rather than be authentic and individual.
#5 The calm that never lasts
It’s a calm that never truly lasts, because it’s built on abuse.
Most parents don’t even know this kind of behavior would exist, and if a child tries to explain it, they can’t relate or begin to comprehend the scale.
And sure, there are peaceful moments in this type of parent/child dynamic. There has to be, otherwise there would be nothing for the child to wish or hope for when times aren’t as good.
They want to see the fun version of their parent. They want the happy days back, the loving moments that are so fragmented, the child isn’t sure if they were imagined.
In the meantime, there is a wave of calm that can never really fully be trusted.
The body doesn’t settle in those moments because it’s awaiting the next storm.
The next time they do or say something wrong. The next time they don’t do well in that test, or do too well in that test.
For them, life can go from, “Why can’t you be more clever?”, to, “Oh right. You think you’re perfect, do you?” in a second.
I know from all of you how tough that is.
#6 Normalizing hypervigilance
In a way, when hypervigilance and anxiety are overlooked to the extent they can be, it’s almost normalized.
Parents see a child who is a little nervous, but the roots of that nervousness creep down far into a level of poor mental health that will need a lot of healing to escape and grow from.
To see a child that never relaxes, or doesn’t manage moods or situations well, there is an answer to that.
There’s a reason why. The struggle is there in plain sight, yet other parents seem to turn a blind eye to it.
For them, it’s inconceivable that a parent would treat their child this way, and that assumption is what lets the narcissists too frequently off the hook.
#7 Anxiety into adulthood
Without bruises, it’s hard to see any problem in an abusive dynamic.
As children of narcissistic parents grow up to be young adults, the anxiety they carry with them will not leave their minds and bodies until they turn to it, accept it, and work on it.
Unfortunately for those kinds of people, they do need a lot of rewiring to realize that none of it was ever their fault.
Patterns need re-evaluating, and a whole shift needs to occur before they fully realize the extent of the damage caused by their narcissistic parent.
Like anything like this, what isn’t healed, will follow you into all your friendships, relationships, jobs, connections and decisions.
It will rule your life unless you start to untangle the knot your narcissistic parent created for you when you were a child.
This is something most parents will never be able to understand.
