Q: How do you know if your husband is just passive aggressive, mean, explosive, and a jerk, and nice 5% of the time or a narcissist. Today, he was impossible. Tonight, sadly, listen to this, I have been married 12 years, never asked for a thing, ha brought me up 12 cherries and I felt like a queen. I am losing my mind. Because each time one of his blowups happen, they get worse and worse. I do not think I add greatness to the mix, because I am a too nice of a gal, very codependent, because my mother was an alcoholic. IShe no longer is, but I know the type of man that I need, and he is not it, yet, I am afraid like heck of abandonment, as that has happened to me before, and guess what this is a lonely world. I do not have my kids, as they are now grown, but how do you know without a doubt if he is a narcissist.
He never states he is sorry. he was layed of in 2008 and I have brought in all the money. He thinks he deserves it. The one thing he doesn’t do is cheat. I know that for a fact, and also, he doesn’t charm himself by thinking he is great looking. HELP!
A: Unfortunately, you cannot know for sure that a person has NPD unless he is diagnosed by a mental health professional. And you will not likely be able to get him to go to one. What would it change if he were labeled NPD or a Big Jerk? He certainly has some of the traits of a narcissist (passive aggressive, mean, explosive, doesn’t say sorry, feels entitled). You don’t need to have every trait to be NPD; in fact, you only need to have 5 out of the 9. You state that it is a lonely world and you are afraid of abandonment. Those are NOT good excuses for staying in an abusive, toxic relationship. You seem to be aware that you are a co-dependent but just accept that as an eternal fact. Take the next step…DO something about it- change it. You can’t change him but you can change you. It is within your power.
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