Is My Husband Just Sometimes a Jerk or a True Narcissist?

Q: How do you know if your husband is just passive aggressive, mean, explosive, and a jerk, and nice 5% of the time or a narcissist. Today, he was impossible. Tonight, sadly, listen to this, I have been married 12 years, never asked for a thing, ha brought me up 12 cherries and I felt like a queen. I am losing my mind. Because each time one of his blowups happen, they get worse and worse. I do not think I add greatness to the mix, because I am a too nice of a gal, very codependent, because my mother was an alcoholic. IShe no longer is, but I know the type of man that I need, and he is not it, yet, I am afraid like heck of abandonment, as that has happened to me before, and guess what this is a lonely world. I do not have my kids, as they are now grown, but how do you know without a doubt if he is a narcissist.

He never states he is sorry. he was layed of in 2008 and I have brought in all the money. He thinks he deserves it. The one thing he doesn’t do is cheat. I know that for a fact, and also, he doesn’t charm himself by thinking he is great looking. HELP!

A: Unfortunately, you cannot know for sure that a person has NPD unless he is diagnosed by a mental health professional. And you will not likely be able to get him to go to one. What would it change if he were labeled NPD or a Big Jerk? He certainly has some of the traits of a narcissist (passive aggressive, mean, explosive, doesn’t say sorry, feels entitled). You don’t need to have every trait to be NPD; in fact, you only need to have 5 out of the 9. You state that it is a lonely world and you are afraid of abandonment. Those are NOT good excuses for staying in an abusive, toxic relationship. You seem to be aware that you are a co-dependent but just accept that as an eternal fact. Take the next step…DO something about it- change it. You can’t change him but you can change you. It is within your power.

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5 thoughts on “Is My Husband Just Sometimes a Jerk or a True Narcissist?”

  1. I disagree that a mental health therapist is the only one who can diagnose NPD. A therapist does not know the person in question, assuming that person will even consent to seeing a therapist. Also, many people with NPD are highly intelligent and quite capable of convincing a therapist that they are perfectly normal.

    On the other hand, a spouse or family member who has been living with a person who has NPD will sooner or later know exactly what he/she is dealing with, even if they aren’t familiar with all the medical tests and labels. For sure it wouldn’t be a formal diagnosis–which is almost worthless in any case–but it would definitely be sufficient for making crucial decisions.

    It’s also worthwhile to know that, like most things, NPD presents itself in varying degrees, all the way from very mild to extremely damaging. However, if you think your mate has NPD, based on your own extensive research and numerous episodes you’ve been a party to, then he or she probably does have it (possibly in addition to other mental issues), and that’s really all you need to know when deciding to stay or leave.

  2. Hello first of all thank you for posting this it has help me identify what has been going on for the last two yrs in my marriage. My husband just don’t carry a some he carry all the character of a person who has NPD he lies he cheats he is not always forth coming with things that goes on with his day you know tell the truth but not the whole truth. He gets angry very fast say mean and hurtful things repeatedly without saying I’m sorry he doesn’t take responsibility or accountability for his actions he is very verbal and mentally abusive. He is controlling if you disagree with him about anything he gets mad. He is very indecisive about things in our relationship one moment he tells me he loves me and the next he is saying I’m no value to him.he ignores the fact that he repeatedly hurts me. In fact he doesn’t think he has a problem he tells me that I’m the problem. He blames me for every thing that he has ever done to me…says its my fault he does what he does to me….. I’m very angry hurt and broken….. I’m at my end with this man……. He refuses to change what do I do next…..

    • have you had children? if not PLEASE I beg of you get out now!!!!

      my narc has narc mom he was the golden child. Now i’m stuck with both of them (thank God she doesn’t live with us but have to deal w/ her). I didn’t know what NPD was when we first got married, only knew something was VERY wrong w/ him even before the marriage, tried to break up 3 or 4 times but because i’m a co-dependent he was able to wrangle me back in. now, 2 kids later (kids that i adore so that’s fine) i know i won’t be with him forever but he has isolated me, humiliated me to friends & family, controls the finances, for me to design my own path & escape someday is going to take at least a few years DON’T DO IT get out now while it’s easy, call a lawyer, get the paperwork, even if you have to borrow $$ from family & just do it, have the paperwork delivered to his work DO NOT GO HOME. stay at a friend’s & do not go back to get your stuff until it’s final. NOW!!!!

      • I am in the same boat. I need out now, but I have two children. It is going to be at least 2 years before I can get out of this. I know what I want to do with my life and I have to go back to school and get another degree to do it and then find a job. But at least I am doing things for myself now and ignoring him as much as I can. I got a part time job in the meantime and that helps.

  3. Dear HELP…..Have you ever heard of Al Anon? Co-Dependency goes hand in hand with victims that live with alcoholics. By going there and listening to others tell their stories, you are putting yourself on a road toward recovery.
    He is driving you crazy…….a big trait for people with any level of NPD.
    Do not underestimate how smart they are. Their actions are cold, heartless and subversive, designed to keep you off balance. Therefore you are always under their control.
    Being Co-dependant is something that you need to look into further. It is not good for you, as you help keep this bad situation going.
    As suggested,YOU have to make the moves to get yourself free and happy.
    He is not going to do it……..he is the happy, parasitic control freak, sucking the life right out from under your nose.


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