Last Updated on February 16, 2022 by Alexander Burgemeester
Having friends of the opposite sex can be meaningful and rewarding. But when you’re in a committed relationship, the boundaries may seem challenging to navigate. In some cases, having inappropriate friendships when married can have devastating consequences.
This guide overview some of the main factors of inappropriate friendships when married. It will also explore how to cope with questionable issues if they arise. Let’s get to it.
What Is Considered an Inappropriate Friendship When Married?
Inappropriate friendships aren’t always easy to define. What feels wrong to you may seem entirely reasonable to someone else. That’s why defining an “inappropriate friendship” starts with understanding your partner and recognizing your own boundaries.
What Are the Signs of an Inappropriate Friendship?
Although it may seem subjective, there are some universal factors that most people would consider inappropriate. Here are some signs to consider.
Hiding or Minimizing Their Friendship
Does your spouse get jumpy when you see their phone? Do they downplay the friendship and insist that they barely even care about the other person. If other people make jokes about their closeness, do they get defensive or angry?
These reactions are concerning. While everyone is entitled to privacy, partners should generally avoid withholding secrets about their friendships from one another.
Spending More and More Time With Their Friend
They aren’t just working on projects together- now they’re grabbing dinner or drinks, and your spouse is coming home much later. Or maybe they are working out at the same gym or walking their dogs together.
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It may even seem like your spouse spends more time with their friend than you! If this is the case, if it feels like someone else has become a top priority, this could be a significant concern.
Liking or Comments on All Their Social Media
It’s reasonable to like the occasional post or video. But if you notice your spouse constantly interacts with their opposite-sex friend online (especially if this person posts a lot of selfies), this could be a problem. Other people may perceive it as flirtatious, and ideally, your spouse should actively strive to avoid that reputation.
Sharing Intimate Details About Your Marriage
If you find out your partner discloses arguments or personal conversations to their opposite-sex friend, this could be a red flag. While it’s normal for friends to share their concerns, your spouse should come to you first if they have a problem.
Less Intimacy or Sex
Emotional affairs can cause people to feel less attracted and engaged with their partners. As a result, your spouse might start withdrawing from you. This withdrawal doesn’t necessarily mean they are having sex with someone else, but it could suggest they feel guilty or tormented by romantic feelings.
Other People Start Raising Concerns
Has anyone else said something about the friendship? Are your friends worried about what’s going on? People who love you care about your well-being, and they might say something if they feel something is off.
Keep in mind that the presence of a symptom doesn’t inherently mean something inappropriate is going on. But if you notice a chronic pattern or your spouse refuses to listen to your concerns, there might be deeper issues at play.
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Something Constantly Feels ‘Off’
Your intuition can be powerful, and your gut instincts may have truth to them. If something continues feeling suspicious, pay attention to that feeling. It may be a sign that you need to investigate the situation further.
When Can a Normal Friendship Become Inappropriate?
Is it ok for a married man to have female friends? Is it ok for a married woman to have male friends? And is it wrong to be friends with a married man or woman?
If you find yourself asking these difficult questions, rest assured that you’re not alone. Friendship is confusing, and navigating friendships within the context of a marriage can be even more complicated.
Indeed, normal or even healthy friendships can progress into being inappropriate. An inappropriate friendship can happen if someone starts relying on your spouse for more emotional support.
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It can also occur the other way around if your spouse starts reaching out to others for deeper connection and intimacy.
Many times, inappropriate friendships emerge as a reaction to relationship problems. Instead of the couple coming together, one partner emotionally steps outside to get the support, validation, or connection they want.
Is It Important To Have Opposite Sex Friends?
Can a married and a woman just be friends? Better yet, can friends of the opposite sex have a platonic relationship without any unresolved emotional or sexual tension? Let’s review some of the research.
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Matt Grammar, LPCC, states, “ Of course, friendships are very important. However, it’s also important to establish boundaries that can benefit your marriage’s health. This might mean learning to balance the time you spend out with your friends.
This might also mean calling out behavior from friends that belittle, demean, or disrespect your spouse. One possible question you can use to reflect on when it comes to behaving and talking with friends is this, “if my spouse were here, would s/he feel uncomfortable? Or, will she be happy?”
In a pioneering article, J. Donald O’Meara highlighted four obstacles that opposite-sex friendships face:
- Determining the type of emotional bond shared
- Confronting and facing sexuality within the friendship
- Presenting the relationship as an authentic friendship to other people
- Addressing equality within the greater context of gender inequality
Think about your opposite-sex friends. Do any of these factors affect you? What other obstacles, if any, have you faced?
In their study, Benefit or burden? Attraction in cross-sex friendship, researchers explored the novelty of these opposite-sex friendships. First, they theorized that these opposite-sex friendships are a fairly new phenomenon. Think about it- we’re social, connected creatures, and we may rely on friends more than family in adulthood.
The researchers also defined friendship as a combination of “what it is and what it is not,” outlining that opposite-sex friendships can be far more complex than same-sex friendships or intimate, romantic relationships.
Finally, they cited how evolutionary theorists speculate that these friendships have an evolutionary, functional purpose. Such friendships support problem-solving, survival, physical protection, and, in some cases, increased sexual access.
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In their study, they tested four predictions:
- Opposite-sex friendships reflect a man’s increased short-term mating desires more than a woman’s
- Men overestimate how much their female friends are sexually attracted to them.
- A man’s attraction to their female friends should be similar regardless of their friend’s current relationship status.
- Single women who have male friends will feel more attracted to them than women in committed relationships.
Their results showed that both men and women experienced low to moderate levels of romantic attraction. The attraction was higher for men, particularly if they were younger.
Subsequently, participants who reported greater levels of attraction for their opposite-sex friends reported lower levels of relationship satisfaction with their current partners. Many participants cited jealousy (from their partners) as one of the main drawbacks in maintaining their friendship.
Interestingly, men were more likely to overestimate how much their opposite-sex friends were attracted to them. Women, on the other hand, were more likely to underestimate the man’s level of attraction.
According to Imani Wilform, MHC, LP, having friends of the opposite sex does have some benefits. She states that opposite-sex friends “might allow you to become more knowledgeable about the other sex and will become more apparent what may or may not be inappropriate in a particular relationship.
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They also may offer differing viewpoints on life and situations that you might not have considered before, opening your mind and broadening your horizons.”
So, Can Friends Ruin a Marriage?
Very few issues in a relationship are strictly black or white. And as we know, friendships are essential for human connection and validation.
A true friend will have your partner’s best interest at heart. This means they will support your marriage and likely make a genuine effort to get to know you. Even if you two don’t become close friends, there should be a mutual level of respect, compassion, and understanding.
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That said, opposite-sex friends can interfere with a marriage if they:
- Talk poorly about you or your relationship with your spouse.
- Make inappropriate gestures or comments to your spouse.
- Disregard your or your spouse’s defined boundaries.
If something feels questionable or wrong, that’s a warning sign of an inappropriate friendship. While it’s okay to desire some unique connection, it’s never healthy to feel the need to hide or protect the relationship from your partner.
What Should You Do if You Feel Jealous of Your Spouse’s Friends? The Do’s and Dont’s
Jealousy can be a powerful emotion that typically manifests from a deep place of insecurity. Someone feels jealous when they are afraid of losing something of value. In this case, you probably feel jealous of losing your spouse to their friends.
Jealousy is a different emotion than envy. Jealousy happens when you fear losing something. Envy occurs when you want something that belongs to someone else. It is possible to experience both emotions at the same time: you may feel jealous because you’re afraid of losing your partner, and you might feel envious of their friend’s personality, appearance, or connection to your spouse.
If you’re feeling jealous or envious, here are some dos and don’ts.
Do Explore Your Alternative Emotions
What else exists besides jealousy? Do you notice any envy? Are you feeling afraid or sad? Are you experiencing shame or guilt? Consider reflecting on these emotions and writing them down.
If you have a trusted friend or therapist, share your feelings aloud. These people can help you maintain perspective. They might also be able to offer insight that you could have otherwise overlooked.
Understanding your emotions can help you plan the next steps for processing them. It’s important to have awareness before you move right into taking a specific action.
Don’t Force a Friendship With the Other Person
Ultimately, you can choose the level of involvement you want this friend to have in your life. If your spouse insists you two become friends, let them know that you will decide this on your own.
You may want to have a friendship with them, but this friendship shouldn’t exist with the intent to sabotage them. That strategy will backfire and probably hurt you, them, and your partner, creating even more disconnect.
Do Consider Your Level of Trust
How well do you trust your partner? Drs. John and Julie Gottman, psychologists, authors, and expert researchers on marriage, created a brief quiz that allows you to assess your level of trust within your relationship.
This quiz may provide some insight as to why you might be feeling jealous or insecure. If you have a low degree of trust, you might inherently look for reasons to doubt your partner.
Of course, trust is a two-way street. It is not just an automatic given. Instead, it’s an active, ongoing process, and your spouse must continuously work to earn your trust.
Don’t Try To Find Your Own Friend To Incite Jealousy
Healthy relationships should never feel like a nasty competition. If your spouse has a close friend of the opposite sex, it doesn’t mean you need to find someone right away.
Keeping score doesn’t make for a healthy relationship. If anything, it builds more resentment and animosity. Instead of trying to prove a point, it’s far more effective to express how you feel and share your concerns.
Do Recognize the Signs of Gaslighting
Gaslighting can happen if your partner is narcissistic or emotionally abusive. Gaslighting can include a combination of manipulation tactics designed to make you think you’re crazy or overreacting. Some examples of gaslighting include statements like:
- I told you that I was having dinner with ____. Did you already forget?
- You seriously imagine things! We’re just friends!
- Maybe you’re the one having an inappropriate friendship!
- Why would you feel jealous? I love you more than anything. She means nothing to me.
- I think this is just your depression talking. You always seem to be upset with me when you feel depressed.
Remember that recognizing these signs can take time. Likewise, they aren’t always obvious, which is why people often get away with them. But pay attention to your intuition. If something continues to feel off, there’s a good chance you’re onto something.
Don’t Call Your Partner (or Their Friend) Names
Jealousy can be a normal emotion, but your emotion doesn’t give you the right to act cruelly. Calling names or insulting the friendship often creates a disconnect within your relationship. Your partner may feel like they have to defend you- or their friend- rather than assess the situation accurately.
Don’t Make Bold Assumptions Before You Have Evidence
Ideally, you believe in your partner and give them the benefit of the doubt. Even if you feel scared or skeptical right now, it’s unfair to throw harsh accusations impulsively. Instead, take a moment to compose yourself, assess your feelings, and identify your boundaries.
Do Remember That People Have Different Boundaries
Remember that inappropriate friendships can be contextual. What feels entirely unacceptable for you may seem reasonable to your partner and vice versa.
According to Heidi McBain, MA, LMFT, LPC, PMH-C, “your spouse may have a different view on boundaries, so it’s important to have a conversation around what healthy boundaries look like to you and to them so that you can define it better together.”
Don’t Snoop
Don’t go through your spouse’s phone or email to find information. This sneaky behavior can breach trust and wreck the foundation of a stable relationship.
Instead, if you have specific concerns, share them directly. If your partner seems defensive or presents as anxious, that information can be revealing on its own.
How To Set Boundaries if Your Partner Has an Inappropriate Friendship
Setting boundaries is of the biggest ‘dos’ when it comes to navigating your feelings. In any relationship, you have the right to assert your needs. Here are some practical steps you can take to achieve this goal.
Agree To Basic Ground Rules Without Being Rigid
As a couple, it’s a good idea to have some essential boundaries regarding friendships. These boundaries ensure that you both feel protected and respected. Keep in mind that healthy boundaries can be flexible. You can review and reassess them at any time.
Craig and Debbie Lambert, owners of Lambert Couples Therapy, warn about the dangers of having overly strict demands. They emphasize the importance of assuming responsibility for your own feelings and challenging certain beliefs that you’ll be happy if your partner acts in a certain way.
Decide if You Want To Get To Know This Friend Better
Our minds can play awful tricks on us, even if we don’t know the full situation. For instance, if you’ve been cheated on in the past, you might be more apt to be suspicious of opposite-sex friendships.
Understanding the friendship may help put your mind at ease. Consider spending some time together and try to give this friend the benefit of the doubt. Avoid jumping to potential flaws as much as possible.
If there is nothing romantic about their friendship, this person should want to get to know you better. And by spending more time together, you may grow to have a better understanding of their dynamic.
Reflect On Exactly What’s Bothering You
Be clear and concise. What is the main problem you identify? Avoid using any blaming words. Instead, list your feelings and thoughts as objectively as you can. Consider writing them down in advance to help you prepare.
According to Tina Tessina, Ph.D., psychotherapist, and author, “get it right out there in the open and discuss it. If you think your partner is blind to the friend’s real motives, find a kind way to say it and put your partner on guard for the friend’s hidden agenda. She recommends using a non-threatening phrase like, “I know you enjoy your friendship with…but I feel a little threatened. She/her flirts with you a lot, and I’m not sure you see it.”
Define What Is Non-Negotiable To You
Is it okay if your husband’s female friend always needs help? Is it okay for a married woman to text another man?
When you think about it, beyond the extreme limits (no abuse, hostility, or threats), there aren’t many concrete rules about relationships. Each set of partners needs to define their limits and express them to each other clearly.
What is non-negotiable to you? If you aren’t sure, start writing some suggestions down. Check the items you want to discuss with your partner. These non-negotiable items are hard limits- in other words, if your partner disregards them, you will leave the relationship.
What if You’re the One in an Inappropriate Friendship?
If you’re becoming too close with a friend of the opposite sex, you may need to take some steps to rectify the situation. Ignoring it won’t make the issue go away. In fact, ignoring and denying the closeness only tends to make things worse.
Be Honest About the Nature of the Friendship
Start reflecting on the following questions:
- Do I rely on my friend for emotional support more than my partner?
- Do I enjoy spending time with my friend more than my partner?
- Do I feel the need to downplay or make excuses about our friendship?
- Do I fantasize about the two of us together?
- Do I often daydream about the ‘what ifs’ regarding our friendship?
- Does my friend poke many holes about my marriage or talk poorly about my spouse?
- Does my friend treat my spouse rudely or make no effort to build a friendship?
Answering yes to any of these questions is a cause for concern. Even if you don’t mean anything malicious, these feelings can deepen over time. Subsequently, you may start withdrawing from your partner in response to them.
Consider What Might Be Going on in Your Relationship
More than ever, people marry each other in response to romantic love. Indeed, falling in love is one of the most euphoric sensations someone can experience. Many modern cultures emphasize the benefits of selecting a mate and falling in love- it’s perceived as a normal developmental task.
That said, romantic love can be fleeting, and research shows that many couples face a gradual decline over the years. In a recent study, Joanni Sailor, LMFT, explored what ‘falling out of love’ actually means. She describes it as a sensation of falling, but the spouse is blamed for the fall. And as one falls, there is no control and nothing to grab- it is just a free fall.
Take a moment and think about how you feel about your partner. Do you still feel love? Happiness for the relationship you have? An acceptance for the person they are?
If you’re not sure (or if you find yourself saying no), it’s time to reevaluate your marriage and your overall happiness. What is this inappropriate friend offering you that your spouse cannot? What voids are you knowingly or unknowingly trying to fill?
Take some time to think about ways you can focus on your marriage. Even small steps can make a meaningful difference. Some good starting points include:
- Making more of an effort to engage in routine physical touch.
- Focusing on daily gratitude for your spouse.
- Implementing a weekly date night.
- Revisiting your future goals together.
- Planning and taking a trip together.
If these strategies don’t work (or don’t feel compelling enough), you might want to consider broaching the idea of couples therapy. A qualified professional can help you both with healthier communication, boundaries, and restoring intimacy. Many couples find relief knowing there are practical solutions for improving their relationship satisfaction.
Reach Out For Support
Because inappropriate friendships often provide a sense of comfort and intimacy, it’s imperative to recognize this dynamic before it snowballs.
Consider discussing the issue with your same-sex friends. What is their insight into the situation? Have they had any concerns? Ask them to be honest with their feedback- if they’re just going to side with you, their opinion probably won’t be that worthwhile.
Moreover, individual therapy can help. You may benefit from speaking with a trusted professional who can validate your feelings and explore this dynamic. Therapy is nonjudgmental and supportive- you are entitled to talk about whatever is on your mind.
Consider Your Main Priorities
If this friendship is interfering with your relationship, you need to assess the situation. In a healthy marriage, your spouse comes first. If you continue disregarding their emotions, you risk betraying their trust and marital satisfaction.
You may need to implement new boundaries with your friend. Consider collaborating with your spouse to determine what feels reasonable.
Final Thoughts
Opposite sex friendships can be tricky to navigate. That’s why it’s essential to know the boundaries, potential warning signs, and healthy ways to communicate your needs to your partner.
You and your partner are both entitled to fulfilling relationships. At the same time, your marriage needs to come first. If you’re concerned about an inappropriate friendship’s ongoing progression, it’s time to intervene.
I found a photo of my husband on Facebook 4 years ago cuddling each other. He used to work with her 40years ago and had not seen her for 35years. He went on a reunion with his old work friends, but only posted a previous and current photo of him and her no one Elton the group. I am not a insecure person lots of trust. That broke my heart. Finally after a few months my husband realised that they over stepped the marriage boundaries. He commented on her photos that she looks great and keep on doing what you’re doing. He then said, am I allowed to say that on Facebook then she said, I forgive you 💋. Then she said, that she hopes that no one gets upset. So they both new that it was wrong. She always says how good looking he is with heart and kiss symbols.
I don’t want him to have her on Facebook my husband said, that she is her friend, with our friends and family. Shouldn’t my feelings be met instead of hers. I have been with my husband for 36 years. I don’t know her and I don’t want too. My husband had not seen her for 35 years. She found him on Facebook 4 year ago. I am so BROKEN HEARTED. We have always had a FAIRYTALE MARRIAGE. Please give me your advice. Thankyou.
My husband also reconnected with his high school crush (they never dated because she was dating his friend). They jumped from Facebook to full-blown just texting each other (easier to hide). This was hidden from me for a decade. I feel so foolish.
It was an emotional affair, giving each other care and attention, never forgetting Birthdays, and always checking in on each other. She lived in a different state, but he called her for emotional support when his mother had died and he had texted about how he would love to meet her for lunch the next time he was in her state. He says they never met, I can’t be sure.
I found out all of this because he kept his old phone, and yes I read through all their texts. He also loaned this woman my old car when she took a job near our hometown. The nerve of them. He was helping a friend out. Their relationship had become so comfortable it was like I was the 3rd person.
They had both convinced themselves that their bonded relationship was normal and I was the crazy one because I was unaware of their relationship? Really? It’s the deceit and lying by omission that I have a problem with. Open friendships I have no issue with. If you have nothing to hide, you hide nothing. Sad thing is, I was so trusting if he had not been so helpful towards her I would still be in the dark today.
They would still be texting each other and I still would know nothing about them and that makes me sick to my stomach. When you take a Vow to Love, Honor, and Cherish only one person, you don’t get to have a “cherished” relationship with another person behind your spouse’s back. That’s not how marriage works. No one hides friendships, but they sure hide affairs… emotional or otherwise.
If you wouldn’t want your spouse to have this same kind of relationship with someone of the opposite sex, that’s how you know you’re crossing a line. Check yourself, before you wreck yourself.
You as crazy as this sounds in as much as a touchy subject this is I’m definitely dealing with this right now. Now when I met my wife you know I was trying to have my kids maintain a relationship with my exes children and granted I bent the truth on some things but that was back then and I’m trying to shed light on the “now” see me for who I am and what I’m doing now not what I did back then.
Out of respect for my new relationship with the woman that happens to be my wife I said those thighs yes it bothered my son a little bit but he got over it. At the time when I met my wife I was dealing with a serious bout of alcoholism where I was drinking a fifth a day. I tremendously cut back and you know things in my life we’re good and everything. Months later when I got married to this woman I called my wife my ex-wife got pissed off and took off with the kids out of state when she was not supposed to so I was without my kids for an entire year.
In that time I struggled with deep sadness because I didn’t have them, but I also have a life taking type of anger towards my ex-wife. Also in the time that my children were gone I got the best news that I could ever get my wife was pregnant but after about eight weeks she miscarried, she took it hard but so did I, dealing with it in my own way I somewhat became a little withdrawn as I wanted to deal with my feelings, sorrow and sadness on my own. We had a couple of quarrels after that how she was telling me how she fell and things of that nature and I’ve always had a problem with taking things as a personal attack if it sells like someone is complaining about something. Months later on our anniversary of July 31 my wife took a pregnancy test and she was pregnant again yes
I was happy anxious to tell my mother but I was going to wait a little while. Five days later my mother had a severe stroke that almost killed her, at the exact same time my wife had a miscarriage for a second time. I honestly felt crushed and dead as I felt like I took a blow to the stomach that brought me down to my knees, but I also took a shot to my head but brought me down to my back. I knew my wife was hurting but I was hurting just as bad but for the most part I kept it all to myself.
I didn’t realize that me suppressing my issues would’ve caused me to become a bad husband because so many times she told me how she felt unloved or like I wasn’t giving her any attention but deep down inside I was hurting him I was depressed from the issue of what was going on with my mother and not only being teased with one pregnancy but two.
She doesn’t know that there were so many nights I sat in my car in the parking lot at work and cried or when I got to the house I sat in my car and I cried but I know before I got in the house I had to wipe my eyes and put on a happy face. we have the biggest of the nastiness of stupid fights even after that I’ll wait to find out that in March 2021 she was pregnant, in the time I came across some really big hurdles in regards to my wife when it came to friends of the opposite sex.
I know I may have had a tendency to downplay her feelings in exchange for my facts, and those times you know when I would tell her that email I don’t want nobody else but her she would make little comments about yeah until you find somebody else which honestly irked me and got under my skin. I’m a person where I’ve become very antisocial over the years I don’t want to hang out with no friends I’m OK texting or messaging them on social media,
I told a friend from junior high school hey you’re slimming down you look great, if that became an issue for my wife. I also reached out to a distant friend telling them congratulations on their schooling and that also became an issue for my wife, she went onto my messenger and said things about I’m having secret conversations but she never looked at the date on a particular message which was from long before I even met her and then when I pointed it out to her she never admitted any type of fault in jumping to conclusions.
I caught up with a childhood friend but I haven’t seen since 2006 and basically we were catching up because on her profile her name is Issa but I called her Isamar which is her actual name which states the fact that I really know her who is about six years younger than me. I caught up with her we talked about a bunch of crazy stuff, her family still lives here she lives in Georgia now, her grandfather died back in 2016, her uncle who I grew up with died back in 2013, she only has one child but I have four including two stepchildren and one on the way, and I married but the joke of it all is is my wife still gave me sh%* over because I didn’t tell her about it first hand.
I know that if she was talking to somebody of the male counterpart she would tell me but I didn’t really see it as a priority to tell her if I talk to someone of the female counterpart because my day can always take a complete 180, I sometimes feel like I have more stuff on my mind and then she does and I told her I didn’t see it as a priority to tell her but it’s there on my phone for her to look at so when she looks at it and sees that it’s not an issue leave it alone this is just two people catching up. There was only one time or I was talking with a female friend where things I said it would’ve been deemed as questionable but never definitive as cheating or having the intent to cheat. After that I had always vowed and promise to watch the way I talk to people of the opposite sex and I lived up to that very well.
My wife will go on to tell me that she’s just telling me how she feels about it but I felt like she was complaining, I felt like she was taking a stab at my character and my integrity like it was her saying “you’re
Good to me but you’re
A man, you got a d*%# you’re gonna cheat” she gave me a whole heap of sh%# for my simple conversation of catching up with Isamar all because I didn’t tell her about it. In all honesty like I said I felt attacked, I felt like my character, my integrity, my commitment to her was all being attacked because of the way she perceived things because they did not happen the way she thought they should have happened. I even said Holy Hell!!!
It’s sad that I can’t have a simple conversation with somebody of the opposite sex without me being made to feel like I have to report it and it be monitored as if I were on felony probation. She says that’s what being married is because it’s communication but I understand how she feels but I also told her with everything that I have going on it’s not always in the forefront of my mind to tell her oh hey I talked to so-and-so today I haven’t seen him in a long time but I know him from here and then go into this whole spiel and his whole story of how I met them,,,, honestly if I were to do that it will take a whole lot of time. Almost as if I was being asked to keep a personal dialogue of who I spoke to.
Our son was born in December of last year, I was off from work for a while and I return to work a month later only to be hit with a heavy work load and blindsided by the fact that my grandmother was not doing so well on my dad side and not even eight hours later of me being informed of it she was gone😞 while still bearing a heavy workload I get news that my mother is not doing so well either so not only did I just suffer one loss but I was also looking at another one. Unfortunately I have resorted back to alcoholism yet again but just a little bit worse, I felt that I was in a downward spiral even though I have conquered the alcoholism all my old years before.
A female acquaintance or friend whatever you wanna call her happening to work at the first facility that my mother was at Post acute, we talked about my mother and some of the workers that were there that I happen to know and that my sister dealt with. From time to time I would talk with her or she would check in with me to see how things were going no big deal right? In recent weeks after losing my grandmother I was telling this particular friend who knows that I had an addiction to alcohol before and after having a conversation with how my mother‘s condition was going as far as her going to hospice in which I told my wife about but she does not remember.
I also indulged with his friend Angela by telling her when she asked me if I was going to drink and I told her that it was too late because I’ve already had a relapse her response was “oh” The same night I was in the drive-through at a fast food chain after doing a Facebook live video I had of talking with a friend that happens to be a male and I told him what I was going through and the fact that I had a relapse. Upon getting off of the phone with him my phone started to fall and I tried to stop it but it ended up deleting the message thread between me and the female acquaintance.
She had responded to a message after I had said about my relapse and she responded with oh and I ask anyways what are you up to. she responded that she was sleeping I responded no worries when she asked me how much did I drink? And I told her more than enough but I purposely deleted that message because I did not want my wife to know about my alcoholism as she has gotten upset with me about drinking alcohol before.
So the next day she confronts me on the fact of the text messages was deleted I told her it was an accident didn’t mean to but we were talking about the condition of my mom and I literally showed proof of where our conversation picked up off at but unfortunately it still wasn’t good enough for her.
This friend didn’t remember the fact that I was married so she didn’t know so her response to things was oh wow. No I would like to think if I had ever did or said anything inappropriate or gave her the notion to believe that I sought anything in particular from her she would’ve told my wife. My point is nothing inappropriate was ever said, nothing happened that shouldn’t of happened if nothing was spoke of that shouldn’t of been spoke of.
That wasn’t good enough for my wife unfortunately because so many things came in her mind like yeah you probably did F*** her blah blah. Then when I came to light and told her about my issue with alcohol knowing that I never cheated on her and never showed any intent on doing so she still found a way to cut at me, she waited for the next best thing that was because I couldn’t come to her about it even though she would’ve gotten upset, I however did tell her that I told a male friend that she happens to know also about my issue but with him it was not an issue because he has a penis in between his legs.
I would like to think that it really doesn’t matter what they have between their legs because it’s not like the female acquaintance was my biggest cheerleader, in fact she was not a cheerleader at all so nothing that she would’ve said about my issue whether she had an opinion or an attempt to dissuade me it wouldn’t matter because I was going to do what I wanted to do anyway. Basically, my wife feels like she is betrayed because supposedly another woman knew more about me and she does it all honestly it was just that one thing about my alcohol usage that she didn’t know. moving forward how I met my wife I was on a break with another woman it was debating whether I want it to work it out with her or not but I met this lady who was my wife now and I changed my mind. people have always told me that she’s going to have that fear the back of her mind in regards to how she got me and my wife talked a few days ago and it was somewhat confirmed because she did tell me that she gave me the time of day and I wanted her so what was stopping me from wanting another woman that gave me the time of day?
That actually kind of hurt me because it told me what she really thinks of me and my intentions. it’s like do you really think that just because somebody of the opposite sex listens to me and gives me the time of the day I’m going to throw away a marriage over that? She might be willing to but I’m not.
I even told her that I would come home to her every night and her response was many men go out and cheat on their wives and come home and sleep in the same bed after they just F**** another brawd. So again her past has now become a part of the present which again causes her to question my commitment and my loyalty to her and honestly it’s sad.
I know that and the time I may have closed off and suppressed a lot of the issues that I was going through they pretty much left her to feel like I did it lead her or left her filling the collective but it did it me but I didn’t love her it was just my way of dealing with things on my own so that I would not burden her with my issues that I knew she couldn’t fix.
What do you guys think?
A month ago I found out my husband had been messaging a old coworker for 3 yrs telling her she was sexy and wanted to lay his head on her breast . he asked her out for drinks last yr June but she turned him down .I confronted him about it but he said he was just playing .I never knew he was messaging her from 2018-2021 .sending inappropriate messages he lied when I asked him about now I have trust issues we’ve been married for 17 yrs he says I made him do by neglecting nd not having sex with him my mother died in 2019 and then aunt died in 2020 I was grieving and I feel as tho he was being selfish
My fiancé has male friends I’ve met a few of them and told her they was after more than friendship she didn’t not believe me but being a man I could tell and sure enough one of them that I told her about approached her and told her how much she loved her and wanted her and did it in front of me she , excepted a gift from him a week prior on necklace, my question is, is it appropriate for just a friend to buy a married woman jewelry close I’m talking inappropriate clothes most of these guys have bad intentions I seen it coming,and she admitted to them buying her gifts, she is a bartender, and we have talked about boundaries with these guys , I’m a little skeptical on going through with the marriage, I’m not jealous. It’s a respect thing for me. These guys seem to have no respect for me as her fiancé. it doesn’t help 50 owner of the bar is one of them. Wish I knew what to do , it’s so confusing, I trust her, but I wish she would just quit there and she won’t.
Sounds like you have done everything you can in a mature and caring way. Definitely take time to reflect on the kind of marriage you want and the kind of engagement you have right now. If you walked down the aisle tomorrow with things as they are how would that be for you as a life? Only you can answer – no judgement at all here – what works for one may be trouble for another. If you’ve had the boundary talk a few times and you’re seeing hard evidence of relationships that step on your boundaries please pay attention to that for the sake of your own heart!!!
I’m married for 8 years to a man who has been building a serious backburner relationship with another woman from Facebook for 11 months and I am up here trying to find tips on how to communicate that it is so far from comfortable – it sucks in ways I hope you never get to understand – please put yourself first!