I could write about the drawbacks of being with a narcissist all day, but let’s just start with the fact that your phone will never be private.
You think you have got a little privacy, but the narcissist in your life will prove you wrong by snooping, or trying every day to snoop at your device.
They want to know everything, and feel they’ve got the God given right to demand it from you.
Will you let them, or ditch them? The choice is yours, but you should know, if you’re with a narcissist, your phone will never be private.
#1 You think you know…
I know you think you know your phone inside and out.
You’ve got everything there in one place; your messages, apps and all your habits creating a bespoke algorithm that keeps you reaching for it.
You at least assume your phone is private to you, and that it’s your basic right to keep it that way.
I have to say though, if you’re with a narcissist, making these kinds of assumptions is very dangerous.
This is because they don’t see your phone as belonging solely to you, they see it as access to the private side that you don’t show anybody.
Narcissists are entitled, and that doesn’t stop just because your phone is yours.
In fact, the more private something is supposed to be, the more they will want to see it.
You think you know that your phone is not being messed with or looked at, but this is a terrible mistake to make,
#2 Phones are not sacred
It’s respectful to offer privacy to the people in your life, namely the ones you care the most about and are closest to.
It’s not about living a secret life, it’s about knowing that your business is your business.
To the narcissist, your personal life is perceived as secrecy, and any kind of secrecy is deemed threatening to them.
Phones become the thing they want to see, and the thing they will cross your boundaries for.
If you have nothing to hide, you won’t mind.
You know, couples shouldn’t keep secrets.
You wouldn’t want to make me feel jealous, would you?
This isn’t a path to closeness and trust, it’s about the narcissist bullying you into submitting your phone to them so they can know all that you do.
Access is assumed, but we need to remember – this is not a two-way street!
#3 Why narcissists are obsessed with phones
Narcissists view phones as holding so much power, and to an extent, they do.
They reveal a lot about a person, and if they can’t see what you’re doing on yours, it will heighten a fear within them.
Attached to your phone is an inner world that builds confidence in you, but like anything that involves making you more ‘you,’ the narcissist wants to monitor it.
This doesn’t have to be direct, either. It can be subtle; a little glance here, or a question to you.
Maybe they want to ‘borrow your phone’ because theirs is playing up a little.
Knowing gives them control, and having control over you in as many ways as possible feeds their ego and image even more.
#4 Their paranoia from your innocence
You innocently look at them. “What is the problem? Is everything okay?”
The narcissist becomes confused, because you’re actually not hiding anything.
There’s no plotting behind the scenes; you’re simply living your life and chatting with your friends.
Narcissists assume everybody is using their phone in the same way they would.
They think you’re scheming, flirting, or looking at inappropriate things online.
They think you love your online community, and are obsessed with building an empire that others would be jealous of.
You’re just on Vinted looking for a new sweater. Big deal.
That won’t stop their paranoia, though. Frequent checks on your phone keep them satisfied, which isn’t good news for you.
#5 Accepting your phone isn’t private
At some point, as a victim of narcissistic abuse, accepting your phone isn’t private is just a feeling you learn to live with.
Over time, you start editing everything on it. You delete certain messages because you think the narcissist will highlight them as problematic.
You avoid interacting with certain people the narcissist doesn’t like, or is jealous of. It’s not because you’re jealous, but it’s just easier.
It saves the hassle of an argument or drama that you could otherwise avoid.
Nobody should have to adapt to being spied on like this. It really is a cost that is expensive to your wellbeing in the long term.
#6 Linking you both up
Another way a narcissist that you’re with won’t treat your phone as something private to you is by wanting to link your phones up in some way.
Everything is shared, including passwords, and accounts are linked. But the one thing narcissists loved to suggest is sharing your location with each other.
Conveniently, they will hide their location as much as they can get away with, but they expect you to share where you are all the time.
It’s just easier.
It makes sense.
I want you to be safe.
I care about you.
Spying on your every move isn’t out of care, it’s out of control. Wherever you are, the narcissist will know it. That’s got to be a little strange, hasn’t it?
You get the text.
Why have you gone to the grocery store again? We don’t need anything.
Is there somebody there you like?
Why are you taking that route home?
It can become neverending, and that’s what you sign up for when you disclose your every move to an abusive partner.
#7 Sharing a history, not a past
Narcissists store all your information they learn about you, not to understand you, but to keep tabs on everything you have seen, said, or done online.
This isn’t about sharing a past together, but sharing a history…
…An internet history.
You become archived, filed away for future use. The narcissist will pull out their cards of your history and use them against you, twisting what they can and reframing everything to make you look bad.
Your history becomes their evidence, and you never hear the end of it.
#8 Your every move: the control behind their knowledge
The knowledge built from yor phone use will build patterns about you in the narcissist’s mind.
They love to be able to predict what they can, and that can involve questioning you and cornering you until you tell the truth.
Your phone does all of that for you, and they will invade that space in order to get what they want.
It doesn’t need to be aggressive, but it’s present. Remember, real love doesn’t need any of this.
If your phone doesn’t feel private, that’s because it isn’t.
It’s a shared device between you and your abuser, and all the time you’re with a narcissist, your phone is never going to be private.
That’s where your choice comes in. Is this the life you want to live forever?
If it isn’t, I strongly suggest you rethink your choice of partner.
