Last Updated on October 7, 2022 by Alexander Burgemeester
No one can guarantee that if you let him go he’ll come back to you, but it will give you a much better chance of reigniting your relationship than holding on for dear life. If you cling to someone who wants to be free, you’ll only succeed in driving them even further away.
When we love someone, we’re tempted to hold onto it as tightly as we can. We care so much about a person that the thought of losing them terrifies us.
We fear that we’d be unable to function without them and that all the joy in our lives would be stripped away.
Our natural response is to try and get closer to them and repair whatever damage there might be.
Unfortunately, this is also the quickest way to push someone even further away.
Letting go of someone you love is painful and frightening, but it could be the quickest way of getting them back.
Will Letting Him Go, Get Him Back?
In many instances, when you let someone go, they will come back to you.
I recently talked to someone who had been dumped by a boyfriend who complained she was too emotional and needy.
She was distraught at the time and explained to me how embarrassed she was to find herself sobbing into the phone, begging him to come back.
He wasn’t the slightest bit interested until, a few weeks later, she bumped into him again at a nightclub.
She hadn’t expected to see him there but had gone out of her way to look her best.
Sick of moping around at home, she wanted to forget about her heartbreak for the evening and have a good time.
As soon as her ex saw her dancing and having fun, his interest was suddenly reignited.
It was just like it had been at the beginning of the relationship, with the two of them chatting and giggling like long-lost lovers.
That was 15 years ago, and the two are still together.
As this story illustrates, letting him go will bring him back, but only if you play by the rules.
Rule 1: Respect His Decision
As a dumpee, you first need to give him exactly what he’s been asking for: space and freedom.
Reading Suggestion: The 10 Stages of the Dumpers Regret Timeline
This won’t make him love you again, but it will make him happy that you’ve respected his decision and done as he’s asked.
In return, he’ll also develop a little bit more respect for you, appreciating what you’ve done for him.
It might not be love, but it’s an important aspect of any lasting relationship.
Giving your ex some space and exercising the 30-day no-contact rule will give him time to realize what he’s missing.
According to relationship expert Lee Wilson, the no contact rule “is where you don’t call, text, or message an ex in any way after the breakup.”
You resist talking to mutual friends and making random comments about them, the relationship, or the breakup itself.
If you send him text messages or contact him via social media every minute of the day, he’ll only be reminded of the reasons he wanted to leave in the first place. It will show him that you cannot enjoy life without him, demonstrating how much your life revolves around him.
If you stop contacting him, it also gives you time to reflect on the relationship. That means listening to his feedback and reflecting on your behavior.
When you stop chasing him, you’ll have time to focus on the things you could improve on to make yourself more appealing as a potential partner.
It could be something simple like doing your share of the housework, or something more complex, like learning to be less needy.
Either way, fixing those issues will make any future relationship more successful, even if it proves to be with someone other than your ex.
Men hate it when you block them out of your life because it suggests you no longer need them. This is because one of the strongest impulses in a man’s life is the hero instinct. According to James Bauer, the psychologist who coined the phrase, the hero instinct is “a man’s desire to protect his loved ones and feel needed.”
By stopping all contact with him, you’re telling him that you don’t need him in your life, that you’re perfectly capable of looking after yourself. This will hurt his feelings, and he’ll realize how much he misses being needed.
Rule 2: Prove Your Worth
The second thing you need to do is to make your ex-boyfriend value you again.
If you beg and plead with him, it only makes you look weak and lacking in self-confidence.
Sitting at home crying won’t have a positive effect either.
If you’re moping around binge-watching Netflix and knocking back wine, it won’t entice your ex back into your life but confirm for him the reasons he left.
“Thank goodness I got out,” he’ll think, “Her life is miserable.”
After letting someone go, you want to convince them that something’s changed otherwise, there’s no reason to come back.
That change needs to start with you. Make yourself the best version of yourself by focusing on your self-improvement, and he’ll soon notice the difference.
Spend time with friends, and put more effort into finding exciting things to do in your free time. Think about all the time and energy you put into the relationship and invest it into your own life instead.
Whether it’s making new friends or tackling new hobbies, your newfound energy will prove that you’re at the center of your life – not him.
Not only that, but it will remind him of how much fun you used to have together.
Maybe you got stuck in a rut in your relationship, and letting him go is a chance to get out and do something different.
Make the most of the opportunity and ensure your ex knows everything about it. It will inspire him to think of you in a new light and value you more.
It will also show him that you’re completely capable of being happy on your own and that you’re willing to take matters into your own hands and enjoy a new life without him.
Despite the hero instinct, men fall for women who are confident and secure in themselves. If you can become that kind of woman, there’s a much better chance he’ll come back.
Why Would He Come Back When You Let Him Go?
Many men return to committed relationships weeks or even months after a breakup, and there are several reasons for that.
If you let him go and take the time to focus on yourself, the chances are he’ll come back because, instead of breaking you, the breakup seems to have built you up.
Instead of collapsing into a heap of self-pity, you’ve undergone an important change in your life.
Taking matters into your own hands, you’ve become a better version of yourself – a version that reminds him of the person he fell in love with initially.
11 Reasons Why This Would Work
- It proves you’re not clingy
- It shows him that you’re in control of your own emotions
- You showed respect for his feelings by giving him the space he wanted
- He wants what he can’t have
- He misses you. Don’t forget – absence makes the heart grow fonder!
- It surprises him because he expected you to beg him to come back, not carry on with your life
- He’s curious about the changes you’ve made and wants to get to know you again
- He’s had the time and space he needed to reflect on your relationship and realize its worth
- It forces change to occur
- It proves your world doesn’t revolve around him
- His reasons for leaving didn’t meet his expectations
5 Reasons Why This Won’t Work
Letting him go doesn’t guarantee that he’ll come back, even if you play by the rules. Unfortunately, you can’t control what goes on in your ex-boyfriend’s life after a breakup.
He could start missing you, or he could find a new relationship that he finds more gratifying than the one he had with you. If he’s happy with his new life, it’s unlikely he will return to you.
Some of the most common reasons letting him go doesn’t bring him back include
If a guy can’t change his mindset about you or your relationship, there’s little chance of a reconciliation.
Suppose your ex lacks the emotional maturity and self-awareness to reflect on what went wrong in the relationship and be accountable for his part in it. In that case, he’ll continue to have negative feelings towards you. That means he won’t be coming back.
When you let someone you love go, it’s impossible to know whether or not you’ve made the right decision. All you can do is hope for the best and keep moving forward with your life.
There’s nothing wrong with holding onto the hope that he’ll come back, as long as you don’t let it dictate everything you do in life.
Get on with your own life and let your ex-boyfriend get on with his.
Letting go gives you time to focus on yourself instead of putting all your effort into a relationship. That means you can build on your sense of self-worth by becoming the best possible version of yourself.
As you invest more time and energy into yourself, your self-esteem and mental health will improve, making you potentially happier than you were with your ex.
You may even decide that you don’t want your ex back because life as a single woman has so much more to offer.
Even if your ex doesn’t come back, the effort you’ve put into improving yourself means that, when you do find the right person, your new relationship will be even more gratifying than the one your ex-boyfriend broke up.
There’s no guarantee that a man will come back to you if you let him go, but there’s a better chance of it happening if you play by the rules.
That doesn’t mean you should play hard to get or go out of your way to make him feel guilty.
Simply get on with your life and prove to him that you’re completely fine on your own.
Not only will this make him miss you, but it will also remind him of all the qualities that caused him to fall for you in the first place. After a while, he’ll realize he’s made a mistake and will want to return.
Reflecting on the relationship dynamics that preceded the break-up will also help you to pinpoint any areas that might need work in your own life.
Serious relationships don’t break down for no reason, and each party has to take some responsibility for the breakup. Even if your gut feeling tells you it wasn’t your fault, there are bound to be behaviors you regret or feel guilty about.
Focus on doing things for your own good and try to enjoy life as much as possible. These actions will help you become the best version of yourself which will, in turn, cause your ex to gravitate toward you.
If you’re struggling to let him go, a relationship coach can help get you started by clarifying the no-contact rule and sharing other women’s experiences.
Even if he doesn’t come back, you’ll still be in a better position than you would be begging and pleading for his return.