I would always advise people to leave a narcissist if it were a realistic and safe option for them, but sometimes, it’s not possible to, either by choice or circumstance.
For those people, you have my full sympathy. If you’re going to stay, there is one way you can still protect your happiness. It’s not to be taken lightly, nor is it something that you would benefit from avoiding.
In fact, I’d say this is the only way you get to hold onto your happiness, sanity and dignity. Let’s get into it.
1 Knowing when you need to fight for yourself
I would say as a professional that we all need to fight for ourselves as much as possible. If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, that fight is even more crucial, yet it will nearly always be forgotten.
If you intend on remaining in these dynamics, for whatever reason, you have to learn to arm yourself, not with weapons, but with your own happiness.
It can’t be lost or stolen; it always has to be something you hold onto if you’re to survive in the long run.
As narcissists will always look to steal whatever joy you have, it’s down to you to refuse them entry to your light.
2 Never expect a narcissist to change – this is all on you now
People will stay with their narcissists because they think one day things will change and you will both live happily ever after – together.
If I just let them in, their mood will improve. If I give it time, they will see what a good thing we could be. I will do my best, and I know they will, too.
Don’t. Just don’t. Stop there. Nothing is going to change with them. The hope lives on because you reflect on the version of them they presented to you when you first met. I’ve no doubt they were full of charm, and oozing compliments just for you.
The more time you give to them initially, the more they are going to know they had you, hook, line and sinker from that first smile.
No. It’s all on you now. The only person who can make a change to keep you happy is the person you see when you stand in front of the mirror.
3 The only way to protect your happiness is to…
This is where things may start to get a little unfamiliar with you, especially if this is something you aren’t used to doing.
Boundaries. Without them, those who lack respect for you will walk all over you. Without them, you will surrender your morals to somebody who is only in your life because they love the control they get that comes with being there.
Boundaries aren’t meant to drive people away, they’re there to keep you safe, and to show people that your emotions aren’t up for debate. They tell people what you will and won’t tolerate, and where your limits sit.
The only way to protect your happiness is to keep those boundaries concrete around you, not like a guard, but as a guideline for others to adhere to.
The right people who come along will view them respectfully, but everybody else will find them a problem.
Those are the people you should be waving red flags too.
4 Why boundaries matter
Boundaries aren’t designed to keep people out of your life, in fact, quite the opposite.
They encourage those you cross paths with to respect your limits, and what you think are right and wrong ways to behave and treat somebody. The right people will love your boundaries, and even celebrate them with you.
The wrong people? Well, enter the room, narcissists, because they don’t know the first thing about respect, let alone celebrating them with you.
When somebody oversteps, what usually happens is you give up your boundaries for the sake of the other person.
You tell yourself in small, yet existing ways that you don’t matter, and that you prioritise a person who doesn’t think highly of you, over yourself.
When you abandon your boundaries, you abandon yourself.
That’s why it matters that you retain them, and if you want to protect your happiness, you have to stay aligned with the things you believe to be good, true and fair.
Narcissists will try to take those things away from you, which is why most victims attest to not knowing themselves after a period of time being abused.
5 Your insistence is your survival
The path to any self-survival during these times, is to be and remain insistent that your boundaries matter. You can’t be half in and half out of something like that, because then you’ll only be half happy.
Insisting that you keep your boundaries reminds you what those boundaries are, and with that comes why they need to be immovable. It’s not even about compromising and saying, “Okay, well I will let this boundary go, but I will keep that one.” That’s now how they work.
In order to survive in a state of happiness, there has to be a conscious state of awareness that your boundaries stay.
I know it’s going to hurt the narcissist, and so I want to let you know the following:
- Feeling guilty about having boundaries comes from the wrong people trying to wreck them.
- Feeling shame for having boundaries comes from narcissists telling you how much they don’t like or approve of your boundaries.
- Wanting to give them up comes from the narcissist trying to barter with you. Don’t allow it. You offer an inch, they will take a mile. So offer nothing.
6 If the narcissist cuts and run, don’t chase them
At sight and sound of your tolerations, narcissists tend to challenge you, and them.
They can try, right? Let them see that you’re willing for them to question whatever it is you’ve got set in stone, but don’t move those stones. If they’re true, good people, they will support you.
It’s likely a narcissist won’t support your boundaries, and that’s because they’re jealous that you have the strength to keep hold of them.
They’re angry that you are treating them the same way as you treat everybody, and without seeing them as the exception, they will likely want to cut and run and find somebody they can walk all over.
That’s not a ‘you’ problem, in fact, the narcissist is doing you a favor by leaving like that.
7 Why protecting your happiness is key to your identity remaining
If you choose to stay with a narcissist, you have to be prepared for a rough ride where your boundaries are concerned.
You run the risk of losing them by default, or creating conflict based on what you accept, and what you won’t.
The fight can continue for quite a while, and all the while you are nurturing your level of happiness ,the narcissist will be in your shadow, trying to steal it from you.
Hold on. With both hands. And the stronger you become, the less likely the narcissist will be to reach anywhere near your boundaries.
