Divorcing a narcissist is not an easy task! You’ve spent these past years married to somebody you thought you were going to be with for the rest of your life.
Happy ever after, skip into the sunset kind of feelings will have washed over you, but in reality, life with a narcissist is the exact opposite.
I wish I could tell you that divorcing a narcissist was easy, but it’s long and exhausting.
There will be moments you’ll ask yourself, “How did I think this would be any easier than staying with them?”
In the grand scheme of things, it is. But you really need to hear this first, before you dive into those papers.
Things might seem positive…
When you realize you’re about to divorce a narcissist, I’d imagine there will be feelings of relief as well as positivity.
You don’t want to have to face up to life with them any more, and now you don’t have to.
The divorce looms like a much needed sunny day after years of rain. All those times you tried to do nothing but keep your head above water, you’ve been thrown a lifeline.
I get it. And you’d be right to see the good in this development in your life. Divorce is a good thing, but let me remind you that nothing is ever straightforward with narcissists.
It’s a long road
I think I speak on behalf of all those getting dicroved when I say it needs to happen more quickly!
Leaving somebody who it just hasn’t worked out with should be faster, but sadly, with so much paperwork and logistics, it just doesn’t go that way.
And I hate even more to say this, but if you’re tied up with a narcissist, that wedding certificate begins to resemble nothing but a contract that you’re fighting to be released from.
It’s frustrating, exhausting, and you will probably on some days feel like you just can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I understand that. It’s a dark, long road, with no room to speed up any process, especially ones they get to control.
Putting their ego in the way of your freedom
I think that pretty much sums up how narcissists feel about divorcing you.
Even if they have a new life lined up, they will slow down what shouldn’t take as long.
They act this way because they know they can, and because they know it will trigger you to feel like once again, you have no power over a situation that you should have power over.
But it’s their ego, right? And egos always win for them. You don’t get to change that, especially on your way out of a marriage like this.
Your freedom is conditional, and those conditions are how fast the narcissist is willing to work with you to make it happen. So, expect their narcissism to be painted all over the divorce.
Fight to the last minute
The whole relationship felt like a fight, didn’t it? It was a battle you were never going to win, but it was one you signed up to the moment you fell for that smile and those lies.
You could say the usual order of play is continuing until the very last minute. If what was supposed to be happy times were shrouded in instant conflict, then the divorce part of it will be no different at all.
It’s a warning you should take as you reflect on your time together, and expect nothing less than that final battle to keep hold of you and have you legally signed together under marriage law.
The final punishment
They can’t help themselves before they step out of your life forever.
Punishing you by delaying divorce proceedings is typical narcissistic behavior, but you otherwise won’t know this until you have to actively go through it with one.
Narcissists will delay to punish you. They know what’s on the other side of this for you, and that’s freedom.
You don’t deserve to feel positive about your future, so they make you dread the present moment and wonder if this is how it’s going to be forevermore.
It’s not, I promise you.
Patience is essential
If I can offer you one tip when it comes to maneuvering through a divorce with a narcissist, it’s to hold onto whatever patience you can muster.
Even if some days you feel like you’re hanging by an emotional thread. You feel one comment or email away from screaming at the top of your lungs that you’ve had enough.
If you start to lose that feeling of being patient and waiting for it all to pass, that’s where the narcissist will know they’re winning.
Every time you push, they will take what you’re handing them and use it for supply.
For them, your helplessness is golden.
For them, your impatience acts as a fuel to keep doing what they’re doing.
They know they’re getting to you, and they won’t quit.
Document everything
Which leads me to this next vital component of divorcing a narcissist.
You’ve got to document everything.
Documenting what they say, promise, even threaten you with will all work out in your favor in the end, so you have to ensure nothing slips by.
Not even that mildly controlling or manipulative text you think doesn’t matter; it does.
Not only will this help you see what reality really looks like for you, it will ensure the narcissist can’t say, “I didn’t say that.”
When you have evidence, you hold the trump card.
Don’t let them control the divorce
Divorcing anybody usually means there will be finance or assets split. Who has what, and how.
If children are involved, they may fight you tooth and nail for custody. It’s all for you to consider, and it’s not ideal.
The stress can and will get to you some days, but you have to hold your own. Remember what you’re entitled to, and how you’ve been treated all this time.
In your relationship, you’ve been used to being the one who has to tolerate it all. You’ve been controlled over the years by somebody who’s sole intention was to make you feel small.
Over time, you started to play that role because you knew no better. You had nobody around you to tell you otherwise or support you because you were isolated.
And now you are at a point where you get to rebuild your life and see what that looks like without them in it.
Is that scary? Sure. It’s a big step to star to see your worth all over again when it has been wiped from your identity by your abuser.
That doesn’t mean you have to continue to let them get away with treating you this way, especially as you legally part ways.
So take control. Fight for what is yours and know that you have rights that they can’t take away from you.
You may have handed over what was yours during your time together, but now it’s time they learned the hard way that this doesn’t work any more.
