When we’ve been wronged, we quite rightly are naturally owed an apology.
It’s easier said than done in some cases, especially where narcissists are concerned.
Where authenticity lacks, a sly and insincere apology is allowed room to breathe.
I urge you to get your sneakers on at this point, because you’re going to need to run.
If an apology isn’t making its way to you swiftly, it’s a red flag in itself that will grow and grow if not addressed.
That’s where I step in today.
Let’s go over a real apology
Because it may not be a familiar action in your life, real apologies carry with them the rightful weight of self-reflection.
They involve a person who is remorseful to be so, and to act upon it in a way that helps you feel better.
Whether that looks like the promise to not do that thing that hurt you again, or to work on repairing what they broke because they care about you.
Apologies are not just words. They carry with them action. And it’s what you need to see in order to truly believe that change can come from the moment you receive it.
Mostly, if we’re talking about narcissists, apologies are about accountability.
The idea that a person can say, “I did something to really hurt you, and I am so sorry. I shouldn’t have done it, and I am here for you to work on this. It was my fault.”
That last bit, right? Their fault? That’s something you don’t hear every day, but there it is, flying toward you and putting your feelings before their denial.
You don’t get that from a narcissist. They can’t and they won’t admit to being a problem, even if an apology with action behind it is the solution.
And fake?
Now we enter the kind of territory that you will be more familiar with. The fake apology.
These are the kinds of apologies that should send you running for the hills.
Why? Because it’s likely you’re getting a non-apology from a narcissist who prefers to make their words more about you than themselves.
I’m sorry you feel that way.
I didn’t mean it like that.
I said sorry, what more do you want?
Okay fine, I am sorry for everything that I’ve ever done wrong. Is that better?
If I say sorry will you stop going on about it?
Where are each of these apologies actually coming from? Because to me, they aren’t coming from the heart of a person who has wronged you.
They’re coming from somebody who is treating you and your pain like a real inconvenience.
They’re almost impatient with you for wanting to talk it through, so they’re looking for the fastest way to shut you up and move on from the conversation.
You should not be made to feel like you’re being unreasonable for your response to their behavior.
The reason you’re upset is because they stepped out of line. The problem shouldn’t then be you and how your emotions are bothering them.
Your emotions are valid. They should be treated as such.
Flipping it on you
Then of course, there’s the usual:
I wouldn’t have done this if you hadn’t been this way in the first place.
If you would have just listened to me, I wouldn’t have needed to raise my voice at you.
None of what you do should matter.
Dodging responsibility isn’t an apology, either.
They can flip it on you as much as they want to, and that’s why I ask you to run for the hills. The alternative is sticking around and starting to believe that you’re to blame.
Real change doesn’t come from these apologies
If you are looking for real change, you’ll never find it in apologies that don’t actually exist.
The narcissist will set your standards to believe that this type of approach is worthy of forgiveness, but as it stands, there’s not much hope in hearing words that don’t offer remorse, regret, or a promise to change for the future.
Victims get used to it though, don’t they? Rather than think, “Wait, this isn’t right,” and run for the hills, they smile and say, “That’s okay.”
Just enough to keep you from leaving
Every single time, it’s always just enough to keep you from leaving. It’s a little bread crumb offered to a person who laps up anything thrown their way.
It’s a fragment of positivity that they mistake as the ultimate apology.
So you stay, and you stay stuck in the loop of accepting their wrongdoings based on an empty, shallow offering.
This is why narcissist relationships can last so long. The cycle of abuse just goes round and round, without anybody to come along and say, “Wait, this is not how you should be treated. These words do not equate to an apology!”
And some victims may even make excuses!
“He did say he was sorry.”
“I know it’s not ideal, but he’s so stubborn.”
“He’s having a hard time at the moment, I don’t want to make it worse.”
“I just want a peaceful life.”
If you want a peaceful life, you’re never going to get it while you’re living with a narcissist, no matter how much they convince you otherwise.
You need words to match actions
A huge part of building trust and knowing who truly cares about you is if they apologize to you – and mean it.
There’s so much emotional conflict when a person you love treats you one way, tells you they’re sorry, then treats you in that same way all over again.
Why? What for? If you say it, mean it. Be a person of your word.
Narcissists will never understand this, only giving way to what temporarily works, being sorry in the moment.
No sooner do they say it than they set out to cause you even more pain all over again.
Spot the red flag and run!
Apologizing in any way inauthentic should be a flag bright red enough for you to run.
It’s literally a warning to you that you’re spending time with a person disinterested in your wellbeing and who you fundamentally are.
Your identity? It doesn’t matter; they will erode it. Your confidence? Who cares; they aim to shrink it to the point where you can’t even see it.
And the way they apologize? It’s nothing but a manipulative tactic to encourage you to think you’re being treated respectfully, when you’re simply learning to accept sub-par treatment.
The next time you hear a non-apology, think about what it really means.
Would you say the same thing, or would you treat the moment with more empathy? Would you follow it up with an action of remorse?
The narcissist needs you weak in order for them to be strong, but I say it’s time to empower yourself with the knowledge of any red flag you can get your hands on.
This one is definitely high up there on my list, and I want to be the same for you, too.
Remember ‘ run – don’t walk.
