The time has come.
The day has dawned.
You’re ready.
And it’s taken you a while to get here, but you know you’re doing the right thing.
Enough with feeling like you’ve lost it all.
Enough with feeling like you’ve lost yourself.
You want to take control back from the narcissist, and nothing is going to stop you.
So… Where do you start?
Well, I’ll tell you.
Control. Always a Problem!
It really is when it comes to narcissists. As they get to know you, they get to know all the little things they can control.
The way you think, who you like, what your hobbies are, how much money you spend, what you do with your spare time, who you talk to…
The list really is endless. And it’s done over such a long duration that you won’t even notice what they are doing until…
That day…
That day where you suddenly wake up and think, “Where did I go? What happened to me?”
You look around you, but all you see are remnants of the person you used to be. Sure, it’s the same person looking back at you in the mirror, but you are a shadow of your former self.
Now – you need to understand what went wrong.
And if I may be so bold as to be the first to tell you:
It was the narcissist.
The way they need to control other people is like a drug to them. They’re addicted to being the string puller in a world where puppets surround them…
By you..
Deeper Than That…
Remember at this point that narcissism is a personality disorder. It doesn’t have anything at all to do with you, yet narcissists make it seem that way as soon as they meet you.
What runs deep is how much they see you as somebody who has to fall in line. You have to answer their calls, do what they say (or even don’t say), and you have to do it right.
And by right – there actually is no right.
It cuts awfully deep, and I know it will eventually become a problem for you, because I’ve seen it in so many people I have worked with.
How Lack of Control Affects You
Lack of control? I mean, who would actually want no control?
Certainly not me, and the vast majority of the people I know.
Now don’t get me wrong, there are some things in life we just can’t control.
The weather.
The way other people feel about us.
How others act.
Who will be hired for that job you went for.
The personality of your children.
But there are things you can control, and not having it in those moments leads to a huge feeling of helplessness.
How to Take Control Back
#1 Reassert Yourself
Narcissists drain us of our surface strength all of the time, but what’s underneath those layers in any victim is real grit. There has to be, otherwise you wouldn’t put up with half of what you put up with.
Reasserting yourself can feel like a battle within. You have to realign everything you believe in, and find a strong stance to deal with your lack of control. Wanting it back can feel like you’re fighting a hard battle that hasn’t been won for a long time.
But know one thing:
You can. And when you can, it’ll be worth it.
Think about how you communicate. If you need how you speak, or your body language to appear more assertive, then that’s a great first step.
I will not tolerate being spoken to this way.
When you decide you want to speak to me again, you know where I am.
I am not going to stand here and listen to or put up with you shouting.
Letting the narcissist know what you will and won’t put up with is a strong way of saying, “This is me, and you need to respect what I am saying.”
The narcissist likely won’t, but the more you assert, the less choice they will have.
#2 Know Your Reality
Knowing your reality is the only way you are going to be able to stand firm in your ground. It’s how you refuse to be shaped or shaken by somebody else, just because they’re determined to misunderstand you.
Let’s get one thing clear here – narcissists always understand people. They simply want to come across as if they don’t. That… is gaslighting. It’s the purposeful act of wanting to rip away your opinions and beliefs.
The control that comes from being able to do that means they can shape and shift you in whatever way they want. It’s not acceptable, but they’re covert.
They’re sneaky.
They watch you when your back is turned, and they come up with another reason as to why ‘you’re wrong,’ or why, ‘they don’t understand what you’re saying.’
If you can overstep their games, you will root yourself in your own reality like the strongest tree on the planet.
And nothing will move you.
#3 Refuse Drama or Conflict
Flat out refuse it. Make drama or conflict a thing of your past, no matter how many times you are prodded to engage in toxic conversation.
Narcissists thrive when you react to their behavior. They don’t comprehend living healthily and openly, and instead insist on getting under your skin. This is so they can blame you when you blow up and start yelling in retaliation.
Overly emotional people create more supply – something the narcissist is always looking for. Saying no and refusing to hand over those emotions will leave the narcissist with nothing.
The control is then automatically handed back to you – and rightly so!
#4 Leave If You Have To
The hardest one of all, and I know it won’t be an easy decision for anybody to make. I would never assume to know everything about your personal relationships. If you are being abused in any way though, it’s down to you to make important choices.
And I know decisions are going to be made on a person-to-person basis. If you lack any control in the relationship you’re in, I just want to remind you that relationships are supposed to be loving and respectful. You need to find one if you aren’t in a safe space.
As much as I try to provide you with all the information you need to make informed decisions, ultimately you have to do things the right way, and safely.
I will say though, if you really want to take control back, leaving the narcissist is one of the strongest and most direct ways to do that. Leaving them has to be backed up by a no-contact rule, which may not be possible if you share children. Minimal contact is far better than nothing though.
Do what you can – but whatever you do decide – know that you’re worth it.
