There’s something about them, right?
They have a glint in their eye. They smile at you, and it takes your breath away.
They know you. They say they love you. Yet they treat you like that.
It doesn’t make sense, but it’s familiar.
Must be safe then, no?
No.
Unhealthy isn’t safe, even when you know it well. I know you feel like you belong there, but you don’t.
Stop going for the bad ones – here’s how.
The Allure of Toxic People
They have a certain pull about them, don’t they? Toxic people are known to be charming, and the charm comes directly at you until you fall for it and get into an unhealthy relationship.
You don’t know it’s unhealthy at the time – but why would you? It’s all smiles and sugar, and suddenly, the change occurs.
By then, it’s too late.
You’re hooked.
Toxic people want you to be hooked, so they can appreciate the push and pull that’s about to ensue with you.
These people can be avoided, and I know that sounds easier said than done.
But you don’t have to go for the same kinds of people any more.
You Deserve Better. Stop Going For Unhealthy Relationships
I don’t need to tell you that you deserve better, but sometimes, the people who need to hear it the most are the ones who are refusing to believe it.
So. It’s time to start believing.
#1 Learn Your Worth – So You Can Know it
You’re worth far more than you realize, but that worth is made so much smaller by the toxic actions of others. You’re stripped of your opinions and passions, as they are criticized to the point where they’re forced to leave.
Your worth can be low from all your previous relationships, and how they panned out similarly.
Your worth can be low because you may have had a parent who you had to fight to gain the affection or attention of.
None of those things should have happened, yet here you are now, fighting for more love.
You deserve better.
Your worth is not dependent on how much love others give or show you.
It’s time to learn that.
#2 Understand Your Own Patterns
We’re never really aware of our patterns until we step back and see them for what they are. At times it can feel like we are going round and round in circles,without realizing that we’re doing it to ourselves.
You love, you beg, you plead. You get a crumb of affection, you sing from the rooftops that finally they show they care.
That crumb means nothing to the average emotionally healthy person. But for you, it means the world. You then allow the narcissist to use that crumb as evidence of their love for you.
Permission is then granted for the narcissist to treat you how they want, with no remorse on their part.
You forgive eventually, because you can’t picture your life without that person.
Patterns like these become familiar, and so they’re assumed safe by your body and mind. They know how to handle it, and they know exactly what to do to give you those familiar feelings – even if those feelings are worry, or anxiety.
Understanding your own patterns can help you change them for the better.
#3 Stop Craving The Thrill of the Chase
Chasing somebody and trying to make them love you is how you end up giving away everything you have inside of you that should be protecting you.
The thrill of the chase comes from trying to earn what shouldn’t be earned. If that person loved you, nothing should be earned.
You can chase somebody for weeks, months, even years, and what comes when you finally catch them can initially feel amazing – but it never lasts.
The thrill of the chase shouldn’t exist.
The thrill of loving and being loved authentically should.
It’s time to allow that to find you.
#4 Understand That Chaos Isn’t The Answer
As much as you might be used to the chaos of an unhealthy relationship, that familiarity isn’t going to be the thing that creates safety.
Without getting too scientific, your nervous system is going to prefer what it knows and recognizes, even if that thing isn’t good. If you are anxious, your nervous system will expect that, because it knows how to deal with your symptoms.
Unhealthy relationships will and do affect your nervous system.
Your nervous system responds in a way that it knows how. This doesn’t mean it’s a good thing.
Chaos isn’t the answer. Peace is. Calm is. Trust is. Honesty is. Compromise is. Love is.
Let that be your familiarity.
It takes time, I know that. It will feel like you want to fight it initially.
After that?
Chaos then becomes a thing of your past.
#5 Build Your Independence
You can do things alone, and you can feel things without needing somebody to be there for you through it.
You’re allowed your own thoughts, and you know that you can hold your opinions inside of you without them being tampered with.
Now is the time to start implementing all of what you know into your life, for real.
Talking about it isn;t going to be enough.
#6 Cut Contact With All Previous Toxic Partners
This goes without saying.
I want to stand in front of you and tell you this, I really do. I need it to mean something to you, because you have to understand that toxic people are going to circle you, hold you back, and keep you going over the same cycles, all the time, on repeat – CONSTANTLY.
They aren’t going to be non-toxic one morning suddenly. They will continue to try and ruin your life and bring you down all the while you let them.
So…
Block them on social media. Change your email address. Block them on your phone.
Do it all – to all of them – including the one you really hope might change some day.
Do it now.
#7 Own Your Past
Know what happened, know the kinds of people you went for, and know that you now have the conscious choice to leave it all behind and start looking for people who are healthy for you.
Will it seem strange at first?
Yes.
You’re actively looking for people you don’t need to chase. You won’t need to cry over them, because they’re nice people.
And they exist!
#8 Know What You Want, and What Hasn’t Worked
What do you want, moving forward? What hasn’t worked for you?
Eveindelt, many unhealthy relationships revolve around one person seeking love and the other being unable or unwilling to provide that.
Relationships without two people on the same page do not work.
If you know what you want, you can look for it in the right kinds of people.
