They’ve got you! You’re in a place where you are desperate to respond to a narcissist. They’ve wronged you, or made yet another incorrect assumption – and it’s high time you did something.
Except … you don’t know what to do. Your response will alter what happens next, so it needs to be right.
It’s high time you had a few golden responses in your pocket, ready for those unsuspecting moments.
And you’re in luck – because I have the best ones.
Sometimes You Can’t Get Away From Them
It’s impossible, isn’t it? Narcissists will follow you around like some kind of overpaid shadow. Always bringing an air of darkness into your life, they will poke you until you react.
And trust me, I know what it feels like to want to react.
You want to turn around and yell at them for how they speak to you, or how they treat you. The narcissist really wants you to do that, but there are better ways to have them right where you want them.
Narcissists always look for a certain response – and for you – all you want is to be able to give them what they need in a single moment to quell any potential conflict or mood.
So what do you do?
What are your options?
Disengaging Doesn’t Always Work – The Bait!
Indeed, it can be so tricky to disengage. You want to ignore everything they do to rile you up or get a response, so guess what? They will bait you even more.
The bait can be things like:
- Goading you into a fight
- Giving you the silent treatment
- Activating one of your triggers
- Smearing your name to anybody who will listen
Trying to get your attention will be their main game, and it will suit the narcissist just fine. They have more than several tactics up their sleeve ready to catch you with.
You see, it doesn’t always work to disengage. You might want to just walk away and ignore everything the narcissist is attempting – but you’re forgetting just how relentless they can be.
They’re a nightmare!
There’s No Truth in Narcissistic Relationships
Something worth remembering is that no – there is zero truth in narcissistic relationships.
There is no clear cut communication, and there’s certainly no two-way love. Any love you feel is likely to be more of attachment. Knowing how to respond to somebody that you don’t have an honest, open and loving relationship with is going to prove difficult all the while you deny the true stance of your relationship.
What you want, and what the narcissist wants, are two separate things. It’s the same for any kind of relationship with a narcissist. Falling into the trap of assuming you don’t have the power to act appropriately is to fall into line with them.
Your Comfort Level When They Come Back At You
From the admittance of knowing you are living a lie with the narcissist, your attention can go onto your comfort level when responding to them. It’s almost as if you can detach from exactly how much they drain from you.
The less you care, the greater range of emotions you will have to give back to them.
If you care more than anything, you’re naturally going to want to tread carefully, for fear of hurting their feelings.
But you know what? You shouldn’t be afraid to speak your truth. Whatever is on your mind should be an opportunity for you both to talk. To grow. To initiate vulnerable conversation.
But it simply isn’t like that for narcissists.
If you’re afraid to open up, then there are some serious problems in your relationship that are simply not being spoken of.
Get Inside Their Heads
When a narcissist is coming at you with their latest ramblings or rage attacks, you have some choices to make at that moment. I know it might not seem that way, but they’re looking for one thing from you – a reaction. Not just any old reaction, but truly something they can sink their teeth into.
As they’re doing what they usually do, you can observe and begin to shift those tables.
Watch them.
It’s actually very interesting if you know how to do it properly.
Are they being positive? Are they filled with hope about something that they want to just gloat about? Do they want or need your validation at this point like some kind of essential fuelling process? Are they clinging to you to give them what they need?
What if they’re being negative? Are they moaning about work, or somebody they or both of you know?
Are they appearing to be attacking you about a matter you know nothing about? Are you allowing them to blame you for something (yet again) that you haven’t done?
How is your energy responding internally to them?
What is it that you’re reading that they want to hear so badly, and how can you respond in an appropriate way for both the situation and you – but not necessarily to feed them.
Give Yourself a Minute
The way to really respond to any narcissist will be heavily helped by you taking a moment. A few seconds, or even a minute, to gather your thoughts. Really think about how you want to come across, what you want to say, and how you want to say it.
Sometimes that crucial silence can be how you go from not knowing, to being fully aware.
They Don’t Know How to Love
It’s where most people forget themselves – in the midst of the realization that narcissists simply don’t know how to love.
The reason they treat you the way they do is because they can’t love you. It’s not you per se, it’s them. You could be anybody, and they would be exactly the same. You are lovable and wonderful in your own way – and the narcissist just doesn’t see it.
You Can’t Win
The real crux of the matter is – you are never going to be able to win when responding to a narcissist. You can do or say things that make you feel better, but the narcissist is never going to be satisfied because… well…
They’re never satisfied.
People exhaust themselves trying to please a narcissist. They try hard to replace what they feel the narcissist has lost, but nothing fills that void. There are no winners to the games played and controlled by any toxic person.
For them – they will eventually move on and play these same games with somebody else.
For you – you’re left reeling from the entire experience, wondering what you could have done differently.
