Listen, I’m not here to judge you for who you chose to have kids with. If you co-parent with a narcissist,, the chances are you find it very difficult to stay sane.
That push and pull becomes even more toxic when children are involved, and strong boundaries are necessary.
That’s where I come in, with a list of the top 9 boundaries to keep your sanity while co-parenting with somebody toxic.
But don’t fear, you can come out winning.
#1 Parallel Parenting” vs. “Co-Parenting
If you can’t parent under the same roof, you can at least parent side by side.
It’s a strong boundary to have, after all, you want the same things, right? Ultimately, you want your kids to have good, strong morals.
You want them to be happy and healthy, and if you’re co-parenting with a narcissist, they should at least want the same.
So, here’s how you parallel parent.
You do not use ‘friendliness’ as a foundation. Co-parenting is lovely for those who make it work, but it’s not possible with a narcissist.
Adding that warmth to a situation like this only leaves room for them to think they still have a handle on your emotions.
They don’t.
So do what you need to do, work toward the same goals, but do it in a way where you are able to disengage emotionally and focus more on the logistical side of parenting, rather than feeling the need to do it all together.
A good way of framing this is reminding yourself that you don’t need to be a team with somebody who only ever really wants to play for themselves.
There is no ‘i’ in team, and the narcissist if you let them will use your togetherness as a way to further control you.
Instead, say no to this. Just be the parent your kid needs you to be, without relying on them too much to be there with you. You know from experience how impossible that is.
#2 The “Gray Rock” Rule
Gray rock will get you to where you want to be without so much as a rise in your blood pressure.
It’s the one trick I try to teach victims to apply wherever possible because it really does wonders for empowerment and control being in your hands, not the hands of the narcissist.
Gray rock can be misunderstood as being ‘purposely cold’ to the narcissist. It isn’t.
Instead, it’s a survival tool that allows you to remain natural, even boring to them.
What narcissists thrive on is drama and chaos, and your reactions. If you don’t give them any of that, they get pretty bored prey quickly.
I urge those who have to co-parent with a narcissist to be as gray rock as possible.
Be nothing. Give them the minimum possible. Allow yourself to drift away emotionally from what they’re trying to pull you into, and you will avoid all the drama they thrive on.
It’s a boundary that will keep you emotionally consistent, which is something you’re likely to be in desperate need of.
Here are a few examples:
Noted.
We will stick to the agreement.
Uh-huh.
Sure.
Understood.
Cut them off before they give you a chance to beg, plead or feel anxious like you may have done in the past.
#3 Use Written-Only Communication (Text/Email)
It’s sensible, right? You’ve got to let the narcissist know that you aren’t in it for the memes and reels.
You keep to writing only communication about the child or children involved, and that has to be via writing.
No sneaky little calls or drop by visits are necessary or positive to your own experience as a parent sharing responsibility with a person so toxic.
They only ever really want to play for themselves, so you have to make sure you are protecting yourself along the way.
Remember, if it isn’t written down, it didn’t happen! This can work both ways, so you need to ensure you’re getting what you want on paper, and getting results from it.
It’s definitely a boundary worth having, and keeping to.
#4 Shut down if needed
You’ve just got to be able to do it, and I know that involves finding the courage and strength to stand up to somebody you’ve potentially found intimidating in the past, but it’s so worth it.
I don’t respond to games or provocations.
It’s that simple.
They will try and goad you into a whole new level of co-parenting that only serves them, but we know full well it only works when two people play the game.
If you’re being baited into making a decision that you feel uncomfortable with, you have every right to tell them to back off. And so you should.
What only comes after being baited, is being blamed. It’s better to avoid that altogether by letting them know early on where they stand.
#5 Keep your own values
“I Will Not Justify My Parenting Choices”
Unless there’s some kind of legal issue, there should be no excuse to debate anything.
Your choices as a parent are yours alone, and how you decide to parent on your own time with your kids is up to you. As long as they are safe, cared for and loved, that’s all that matters.
So yes, if your rule is that they have to do homework before hobbies, then that’s what it will be.
If you make sure they are in bed without their phones so they can sleep properly, then go for it.
Your house, your rules.
#6 Legal & Custody Clauses That Protect Your Sanity
It would be a great idea to ask for specific custody schedules, communication limits and any kind of right-of-first-refusal clause.
I say this not because I want to worry you or provoke any fear, but because sometimes the only way to get ahead is to be ahead. If you can manage that, you will come out winning at the end of it all.
And guess what? The narcissist has to follow the rules, for once! Take your position as a co-parent with a narcissist seriously, and consider all avenues.
#7 Kids come first
Your child’s experience has to be the utmost priority at all times. There should be no catering to the narcissist’s version of reality, no matter how much they try to convince you it’s real.
Nobody wants to hear the narcissist try to gain recognition for having a version of reality that only suits them, so try to make sure your kids are the people who are protected first.
After all, your kids are the most important thing!
#8 Document Everything (Without Obsession)
Goes without saying, right?
Get. Everything. In. Writing.
I can’t stress enough how much this will save you and have you winning on the occasions you’ll really need a hand to the top.
This isn’t about wanting to win, it’s about the right outcome all the time.
Log everything, even down to missed pick ups or manipulative messages or incidents that were overly emotional.
You’ll thank me when you need them!
#9 Don’t Try to “Win” or Change Them
You aren’t there to parent the narcissist, you’re there to parent through them.
You are allowed to make choices they don’t agree with, and they shouldn’t be trying to change you, nor you them.
It’s hard to do this when you’ve got two people who have nothing but children in common, but that’s the way it is.
You don’t need to win, you just need to get on with your life and be the best parent you can be. This boundary of expectation is therefore, crucial.
