You’ve been in the abusive, narcissistic relationship and you do not want to wear the t-shirt.
Instead, you just want green flags from now on. You’re worried that you’ll miss spotting them, but before you go retreating into the world of singletons forever, wait.
I’ve got 8 green flags that will lead you to true love in your next partner. Hold onto the hope that it’s possible, and you will find your healthy, happy ever after.
#1 Calm, not confusion
When your nervous system has gotten used to chaos, it will initially see calm as the enemy. It’s the silence and stillness that puts the body on high alert, as instead of being the calm before the storm, it’s just calm.
So you wait for the storm that never arrives, and feels strange. Eventually, calm rather than confusion will be seen and noted as a green flag.
After all, that’s exactly what it is. It’s what we all want from a relationship, but it’s not boring, it’s safe and consistent. It acts like the gentle heartbeat of your connection.
You want to look out for somebody who graces you with this in your future.
I think it’s fair to say you’ve earned that kind of feeling, especially after going through something as painful and toxic as narcissist abuse.
#2 They apologize without turning it into a TED talk
TED talks are great, but we don’t want everytime an apology rises for it to turn into a long drawn excuse for a self-indulgent moment on a stage.
Victims act as audiences for narcissists, and finding yourself having to listen and nod along as they speak like they’re changing the world is nauseating.
It’s as if narcissists constantly feel like they have something to teach us, doesn’t it? “Listen to me and all my worldly, wise nuggets of knowledge.”
How about no? Just no. If you’re used to getting sucked into this kind of one-sided conversation,
I’d urge you to look for somebody who just knows how to apologize and stick to that apology without getting distracted. That will be your green flag.
#3 They’re consistent (even when nobody’s watching)
Green flags people don’t need an audience. They don’t need to know that somebody’s watching in order for them to be nice.
They just are. Authenticity. That’s what’s important, and what matters.
You want to find the kind of behavior that soothes you, where no unpleasant surprises crop up.
You have had enough of bouncing long with their moods, from one to the next and back again all in the space of a few minutes.
That consistency is something you aren’t used to, but that’s okay. It’s good for you, and any person who offers themselves to you without trying to be this or that all the time is again, worth their weight in gold.
#4 They hear your “no” without guilt, sulking or pressure
Why? Because they respect you and want to do the right thing. If they’ve asked you something that you aren’t comfortable with, no is exactly how it ends.
It doesn’t end with you giving in and allowing your boundaries once more to be crushed in the process.
And you look at them, waiting for the comments that never arrive. They’re not after you feeling guilty, and they’re not stomping off in a strop or trying to apply more pressure.
No means no. And it feels good to say.
Finally, they’re there to respect your boundaries, not test them.
That’s life without a narcissist.
#5 They keep their promises
Who’d have thought there are actual people out there who make promises…
…And keep them?!
It’s a good day for this to be reaffirmed to you; a person likely who has had numerous promises broken over the course of your time knowing and potentially loving a narcissist.
Promises can be kept when they’re made by the right people.
When you meet a narcissist, the most obvious red flag in hindsight is the way they sell promises so well.
But you remember what it feels like to sit and wait for the seeds of those promises to come to fruition, right? It hurts. You think, “Did I maigne that promise at that time?”
No, you didn’t. They threw so many at you and you’re still waiting for at least one to come good.
But nothing.
I have news. Those future potential partners that are out there don’t all possess green flags and kept promises, but the right ones do.
#6 They are genuinely curious about your inner world
Wanting to know about you and everything you like, dislike and want from life is normal the more you get to know somebody who is evidently falling for you.
But the greenflag partners of the future will not want to draw all that information out of you within the first few weeks or even months of knowing them.
They cherish time, and want to love and enjoy the journey you embark on together. That’s a real green flag.
To know somebody is in it for authentic reasons, rather than wanting to use what they know against you and forget all the rest, is the best and safest feeling you can get from a new relationship.
Real people want real connections. If you can find that, there will be a great future ahead for the both of you.
#7 You don’t feel like you have to audition for their love
Hands up who can relate to this? I know a common theme for victims of narcissistic abuse is feeling as though they had to partake in some kind of process in order to even get close to the narcissist.
It’s not right at all, but what’s worse is thinking that’s a normal part of getting to know somebody new.
What if I told you that there are people out there right now who just want to know you?
To see how special you are without feeling like you’re signing up for a new Broadway drama?
Sounds perfect, doesn’t it? Let me tell you, it’s out there if you want it, and it’s surrounded by green flags!
#8 They speak accountability like it’s their first language
Oh, I am so sorry that I hurt you.
I had no idea.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Do you want to talk about how you’re feeling?
I was so insensitive.
That was really non-thoughtful of me.
Wow. Just rolls right off the tongue for the green flag folk, doesn’t it? That’s what we want in life, though.
We need our partners to see and hear us when something isn’t right. We want there to be a special kind of connection between us that helps us over the hurdles of challenge when they arise.
Narcissists have never, and will never do that. It hurts, and I understand the frustration behind wanting them to see their mistakes.
The fact that hey never will should teach you the lesson that you deserve more.
You deserve the honesty of a green flag future partner who will respect you and hold their hands up when they did wrong.
Especially when they make sure they don’t make that mistake again!
