Having children is a gift for many, and certainly not underestimated or underappreciated by good, healthy and loving parents.

We want our kids to be kind, compassionate and empathetic. 

When you realize your son is a narcissist, it can lead to feelings of failure, guilt and shame for the person who raised them.

What did I do wrong?

What signs did I miss?

What didn’t/did I give them that led to this?

So much thought, but the fact is – they are who they are.

How can you help them?

Can you help them?

I’ve got the answers.

Having Kids is a Dream For Many…

While it may not be on everybody’s list of things they want to do or achieve in adult life, having children for the majority is part and parcel of growing up and meeting somebody you love. 

The sleepless nights where you’re feeding or soothing pale in comparison to watching them take their first steps, or hearing them say their first words. 

You watch them grow and learn and be curious. You’re there for every bump, graze, tooth and fever. 

Parenthood is incredible for those who choose it. All you want is for your children to grow up and be happy, healthy, harmless, passionate people who make their own way in the world.

I get it. I’m there. I know that feeling.

Suddenly – You Realize – They’re a Narcissist

In the years that follow those cute baby/toddler/child/ days, you realize you have raised a narcissist.

Your son exhibits entitled behavior, where he feels everything is owed to him. He wants what he wants, with no exceptions. He plays on the adults around him, ensuring they’re ignored when he feels like it. 

They demand, and they remember all the times you have let them down. Those times will be held against you, as you try to battle your way to pleasing them. 

But How Can I Be Sure They’re a Narcissist?

There are several red flags you can spot as your son grows up. You know them very well, obviously, so spotting these signs can help determine whether or not you have a narcissistic son.

• They will jump into any conversation and try to take over them all. They have no issues interrupting at all, and will tell you off if you point it out. 

• They love to belittle others. Their friends aren’t exempt from this – and it might make you feel pretty uncomfortable. 

• They love to exaggerate what they achieve, going over and over their successes. The opposite will be true if anybody else they know succeed.s They can’t wait to forget or diminish those moments.

• They struggle to empathize with other people.

• Prone to having major tantrums, they literally stomp and sulk until they get their own way. What happens then? They become accustomed to having what they want, when they want it. That entitlement force remains throughout life. 

• Authority figures are people they frequently challenge or fight with if they aren’t happy. They feel they are above everybody and everything else. 

Aren’t These Things Normal For Children?

Well, to a point – yes. 

But…

As children move through the different stages of development, those things will usually begin to simmer down as emotions become more regulated. 

Narcissists grow just the same as any other person – but their emotions simply cannot regulate. 

What’s important is looking for those patterns of behavior, and how they worsen or continue rather than fade and become better managed. 

Being There For Them Counts

Now you’re wondering, “Well how can I help my son? I don’t want this for them.”

You’re right to have that thought. It’s natural to want the best for your child, without thinking too far into the future and worrying for them.

Being there for your child is separate to their narcissism, and it is difficult to try to balance. You want to help them, but you don’t want to get caught up in their drama, or always be at the foot of their blame. 

Knowing when to intervene, and when to let everything happen as it is, is key. Ensuring they know you are always going to do your best to support them because you love them is also important. 

It can be hard to see the person they’ve become, when all you can picture is that little bundle of joy you held and rocked into the early morning all those years ago. 

Here are a few ways you can separate the past from the present, and help your narcissistic son:

• Encourage them to be kind. There are rewards for people who are kind, as well as rewards for the people who they are kind to. It’s a win/win situation, and if you can show this, kindness can become more of a natural thing.

• If they help you, tell him. Compliments are great, and narcissists love them especially because they’re pretty insecure deep down. 

• Exude patience. Even when you feel like there’s none left inside of you. No matter the age, narcissists love to cause a problem, but never admit to being a problem. If you can look at ways in which you keep your cool under the potential pressure of drama, the drama will never unfold how your son wants it to.

• Pick up their behavior when it isn’t right, and look at ways he could have handled it better. 

• Remind them that anger is not a replacement emotion for sadness, worry, fear, or jealousy. It’s easy to be angry, but it’s more beneficial to find the emotion you need, and sit with it. Be vulnerable. Tell him that’s okay. 

• Maintain your own boundaries, too. If something isn’t right or your children are acting in a way that needs nipping in the bud, use your own boundaries to guide you. Your children need to know when and how to try to improve their behavior, and you need to be the one to guide them. 

It’s Never Going to Be Perfect

What relationship is? Parents and children always have to change their relationship as the child grows and discovers themselves more. 

There are going to be more battles than usual with your narcissistic son as you try your best to instill morals and values within them that don’t stick. 

My advice to you is to do the best you can and accept that your best may not always be good enough.

You can try so hard and make important small changes. Ultimately, though, you cannot iron out somebody else’s personality all the way through. You can show up for them as early as possible, though. 

Even if that means finding them a therapist as a child to be able to talk through their feelings. 

Run with what feels right, and seek to do what you can, with what you have.