Please hear me.
I need you to understand me.
Can’t you see what I’m trying to say?
Hello…?
There are ways you can speak to a narcissist, but never actually be heard.
You want to be understood but don’t know where to begin.
It’s not impossible to get their attention and have them see your way, but the challenge is knowing where to begin.
Luckily, I can help!
It’s Not Totally Impossible
If you’ve been led to believe that absolutely nothing will get the narcissist to understand you, then you’ve been mistaking your true capabilities.
Let me tell you that it’s not easy, and I need you to know that from the get go.
Being understood by a person so unlikely and unwilling to empathize or listen anywhere near effectively is difficult…
…But it isn’t impossible.
The longer you get to know narcissism as a concept and look at Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) for what it really is, you will unpick ways you can present to a narcissist strongly.
The key is to know what you’re doing and to do it well.
Only then will you get the best results.
Taking It Too Far: When It Backfires
Oh it can. Narcissists will see you coming on too strongly, which backs you away from you. You’ll be too much for them, and the balance of suspicion and annoyance will provoke them into repelling you.
That’s not what you want.
What you want is to get somebody who is usually far from able to listen to start responding to you in ways that help you.
- You want to be heard
- You want to be seen
- You want to be valued
- You want to be understood
- You want to defend yourself
- You want your identity and beliefs back
You can start to have those things, if you know how to work the narcissistic system.
Calm and Respect Goes a Long Way
In any situation, I think it’s safe to say that approaching what’s in front of you with a calm and respectful aura will be the win you need.
We all need to learn to be less defensive and more open and welcoming to others’ needs or concerns.
Starting off with conflict and purposely getting under the skin of everybody you meet will never end well, but I don’t need to tell you that, right?
When you respect somebody, you are showing them that:
- You care
- You’re a good listener
- You understand their struggles
- You give them an open space to explore how they feel without judgment
- You are showing regard for their feelings, worth and abilities
- You accept them for who they are
But you know, respect starts with the self. Narcissists don’t like their ‘self,’ therefore they can never really dig to the foundation of what respect really means.
“I” All The Way
Utilizing the moment to try and teach the narcissist how you’re feeling will do one of a few things.
- You will learn how to express your feelings after a long time of assuming they don’t matter.
- You will hear out loud how you feel, and know that you are giving yourself the space and time to do so.
- You’re telling somebody else how you feel in response to their own actions. This promotes healthy communication.
It is about you – especially if you’ve been at the hands of a narcissist for some time. Learning that it’s not is through their mistreatment of you; you will feel invisible over time.
It’s time to be seen.
Speak Up For Yourself
When you learn to speak up for yourself, you go beyond the ‘I feel’ stage.
You’re really putting your feelings into the world without the worry of causing further problems.
- Stay true to your words. They mean something
- Know when to walk away from situations that are changing how you feel inside
- Say no if you need to. It is a whole sentence
- Remind yourself that you deserve respect
- Practice speaking up for yourself as often as you can
This is about really exploring how you matter, and making sure everything you feel is communicated to the narcissist as clearly as possible while remaining respectful.
You’ve Got To Start Enforcing Boundaries
Those boundaries they ripped from you have got to return. It doesn’t matter whether they were violated yesterday or five years ago – they need to make a comeback…
… And I need you to be there for it!
Step Away From Certain Phrases
It’s your fault.
I was joking.
You’re crazy!
You deserved it.
You know – it’s easier for me to say step away from any phrase the narcissists themselves might use!
These kinds of phrases anger and annoy the narcissist further and will send them into a spin. It’s far easier to be more accommodating to them, while trying also to get your point across.
Now… Here’s The Deal…
The above isn’t always going to work for you, but I firmly believe in the ‘try everything’ approach.
Ultimately, you must learn what is failing and know you are doing what you can to communicate effectively.
If you’re still at the point where that’s not happening for you, you will know from the kind of pushback narcissists will employ:
- Further berating or mocking
- Being interrupted
- Being criticized
- Being punished for speaking your mind
- Being humiliated for using your voice
What makes normal relationships last is the ability to listen and act on what others need from you at any time.
If they need you to step up and help them, you will, and vice versa. It’s about compromise and providing a safe, reassuring space.
If you tried everything, and it all failed, you must understand that you didn’t fail.
It was never about you.
Therefore, I’d advise you to ask yourself if the relationship is worth it. If you cannot be respected enough to be heard, is there really the future that you want ahead of you?
I can assure you there is that future ahead of – but it isn’t going to be with that, or any other narcissist.
These aren’t words everybody likes to hear, because they need to be accompanied by acceptance. I know that’s hard when all you want is to be accepted.
Empathy: Class is Not in Session
…Because empathy cannot be taught. There’s no point in expecting the narcissist to be like you, when all they want to do is continue ruining your life.
If you want to be understood – sometimes walking away is the loudest volume you can use.
