When a narcissistic relationship ends, it’s hard not to get out your critical lens and break everything that happened down.
You’ve grown accustomed to viewing everything as being your fault, so why not this, right?
On this occasion, yes, it’s important to reflect on what happened in your relationship, from start to finish.
Grace your past with that time, and your future will thank you for it.
Forgiving yourself for being with the narcissist?
Well, there is an element of self-forgiveness necessary – but only an element.
Let’s look at what I mean by that…
The Narcissistic Partner
Narcissists are hard to love when you look at them as an entire character, and not just the person you want them to be.
Stepping away from narcissist relationships takes courage, strength, and consistency.
There’s one other thing you will need:
Forgiveness.
I’m not talking about letting the narcissist off the hook. This isn’t how you say, “Well you did all this, but it’s okay. It doesn’t matter.”
It does matter.
You matter.
That’s why forgiveness has to start with you.
Self-Forgiveness – This is Huge!
When you’re in any kind of abusive situation, the hardest thing to do is love yourself. You’ve been taught not to through the lens of somebody else.
When that situation or relationship comes to an end, you have to find ways to love yourself again, and it can feel like starting from scratch.
It’s possible though – and you know it.
It’s a huge step to forgive yourself for everything you went through. For the decisions you made. For what you tolerated. For how you saw the good where there was no good.
If you can forgive yourself – you can move on. When you move on, you can start to build your life back up.
Ways You Can Forgive Yourself
I know the idea of forgiving yourself might seem strange, given all the ways you were made to feel like it was all your fault.
The truth is, it’s going to take time to believe anything you think, because of narcissistic programming.
None of this was your fault, and time will prove that.
#1 Your Intentions Were Good
Why wouldn’t they be? When you walk into a new relationship, you carry a few things with you.
One is hope. You hope everything will work out, and you hope for a relationship filled with happiness, love and trust.
You also carry your life experiences with you. You’ll consciously iron out any mistakes made in past relationships. Life is one long journey, and you grow with it.
You are a good person, and you want to see the best in people. You also want to give the best version of yourself to somebody so that they can love you as much as you love them.
You entered a relationship with somebody you thought was loving and attentive, and kind. You didn’t have any reason to believe otherwise because guess what?
Narcissists are clever.
They will see your good intentions, and take full advantage of them.
It’s something you have to forgive, because it’s a healthy part of life to want to be good, and do good. If you went in with bad intentions, you wouldn’t have suffered at the hands of a narcissist.
That’s what brings a level of self-awareness to your reflection on the relationship as a whole.
That’s how you learn to forgive yourself.
#2 Stop Seeing Blame As The Default Emotion
Blame doesn’t have to be the thing that you do to yourself to move past this.
If anything, blaming yourself, or even the narcissist, will slow down how you see your future, and what you do with it.
The narcissist will always be who they are. They’re going to leave you and find somebody else to chew up and spit out.
Rinse, repeat.
They were born that way, and they will do everything they can to cause the same pain to the next person who comes along.
The story doesn’t have to end with blame. The door doesn’t have to close.
Being at one with what happened will help and encourage you to accept your past.
Blame leaves so smooch space for anger and resentment, and nobody can heal or move on while experiencing any of that.
#3 Understand What it is You Wanted
When you enter any relationship, you do so with the inclination that you want something from it. Whatever that is, stems from your values. Is it important to have understanding? Loyalty? Laughter? Compassion? Drive? Enthusiasm? Adventure?
The narcissist will be whatever you want them to be when you meet them. They will make sure they tick all your boxes for one reason:
So that you stay.
Over time, they will prove that they didn’t have what it was you wanted. In actual fact, they had everything you didn’t want.
You have to forgive yourself for assuming you knew they had it all. They were faking. And it wasn’t as if you fell for it, but more, you saw what they offered, and you believed it.
Because why wouldn’t you?
#4 Acceptance
It’s safe to say that what happened, happened.
Accepting the relationship means understanding that you went through a process that has probably changed a huge part of you.
You won’t be the same person that you used to be, because that’s just what trauma from narcissism does. However, you will be the kind of person who is able to recognize toxicity, or the red flags that warn you of such in the future.
Even after you heal, you will have grown wiser in soul, spirit and knowledge.
When you reflect on the past, there’s everything you cannot do to change it. You want to go back in time and wish you never met, but unfortunately what’s only possible is your ability to accept and use it as a learning opportunity.
What can you learn from everything you experienced? How can you begin to give your heart the love it now needs to open up and allow a new chapter for yourself?
#5 Make Yourself Some Promises
I believe this is the perfect ending for you right now. Forgiveness can come from knowing what you don’t want, and knowing what you do. And yes, you’re unlikely to want a repeat of what happened in the past. Nobody wants to knowingly enter an abusive relationship, and that has to be something you actively and consciously tell yourself.
The promises you make to yourself today will be the foundations you lay your new future upon. They will ensure you go from one moment to the next with ease, and they don’t even have to be huge or significant.
Promise to always put yourself first. Act upon that in every decision you make.
Promise to never be drawn into fast-paced relationships. They almost never end well.
Use your values to draw up the kind of promises that set you free.
And help you forgive yourself.
