How To Fix Yourself After Being With a Narcissist?

Q: My ex and I have been separated for 3 and a half years. We have a child together. We met when I was 18 and until I left he was my first love and all I ever knew. I’ve always described him as “A bit bi-polar”. He used to have the most amazing peaks and flows and I spend my life treading on egg shells until I left. After his latest (As I used to call them) Episode, I have started to look into his behavior and I realize that he is definitely NPD. It explains the darkest 11 years of my life perfectly, and yet again after everything being fine for months, my whole life is in chaos, I’m fighting for my home, my son and again, the abuse and textbook behavior has started again. But this time, I’ve had enough and for the first time I’m standing up for my self 🙂 The only issue is, since this revelation that he is the way he is, I can’t stop obsessing over it. I keep remembering events during our time together and just feeling so stupid that I didn’t realize sooner, I mean seriously, it’s so obvious!! I just don’t know what to do or how to proceed… I’ve always known that I left that relationship a little shell shocked and maybe even damaged, I’d always assumed that in time I’d get over it – I have the most amazing man now which I am so grateful for but every time the ex flares up, I immediately become that intimidated, petrified person I was before…

I can’t change him, I doubt anyone can but how does someone fix themselves after this?

A: You are right- you can’t change him and no one else can either. He is not likely to go for therapy as narcissists don’t feel there is anything wrong with them-they blame it all on the other person. Normally, time and understanding will heal the victim but in your case you are still in contact with him because of your home and child. You need to develop better coping skills to deal with him and re-build your self esteem. Your ex has damaged your self esteem and continues to bully you to make you feel petrified and intimidated. Please consider counseling to help you develop specific techniques to cope with him and combat your feelings of intimidation. You have taken the first step- Awareness and some understanding. Now take the second step-Action. Read up on how to deal with narcissistic ex’s, get counseling, and how to deal with bullying. Lastly, continue to be thankful for your new man and allow him to help you regain your self esteem.

One thought on “How To Fix Yourself After Being With a Narcissist?

  1. Hi, I am married (seperated) from a narc. I have 2 children and it makes it really hard. How ever he doesnt really care about them either. After almost 20 yrs he realizes that something maybe wrong and is going to therapy, but not with out leaving his family first and jumping into a new relationship. That started before he moved out. Comes and devotes his love to me and our marriage and calls the other girl when I walk out of the room. Then tries to tell me that his therapist told him not to explain his actions to do what he thinks he needs to. OK! Anything he can pull out of a hat. All he does is lie. To the point of blaming me and his children and even tring to convince me that he is in this other relationship because he needs to learn from it, does not love this person and it will never go anywhere, but it is something he needs to work through for now. The insanity can make a sane person nuts. Any Tips??

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