Last Updated on May 31, 2022 by Alexander Burgemeester
A relationship with a narcissist is like a tornado- a whirlwind of abuse, mind twists, blame, criticism and disapproval.
It leaves you feeling like you are walking on eggshells. The person you fell in love with was a fraud- you saw only the mask that they wore.
Now that you have realized he (or she; I will continue to use “he” to simplify things) is a narcissist, you also realize that he is a liar with no conscience and that he loves only himself.
It is hard to admit that he has never really loved you, but you need to understand he is incapable of loving anyone other than himself.
He has damaged your self-esteem and confidence and your feelings of despair, loneliness and anxiety have all increased.
He probably has you questioning your own sanity. However, you CAN leave the narcissist and this unhealthy relationship.
You NEED to leave the relationship to regain your own mental health and the joy you used to feel.
A narcissist will only be concerned with his own thoughts and needs; he has not, and will not, be concerned with your needs or your feelings.
It is much better to end a relationship with a narcissist, the sooner the better, rather than letting it drag on.
It will only drag you down farther and cause more psychological harm.
The 10 Steps For Ending a Relationship with a Narcissist
1. Find Therapy
If at all possible, go to a therapist or support group BEFORE you end the relationship.
Use the therapist or support group to learn what you can do and say and the characteristics in yourself that make you a narcissist’s victim.
Most women’s advocate groups and domestic abuse shelters can give you good references if you don’t know where to turn.
Even if you have not been physically abused- you have most certainly been emotionally and verbally abused.
Note: if you are still with the narcissist, he will do everything in his power to discourage you from going.
He will attempt to embarrass you, accuse you of being crazy (he will say that’s why “you” need therapy), disrupt your schedule so you can’t make the appointment or meeting-and so on, to prevent you from getting outside help.
The more he does this, the more you can be certain you do need the help, and the more determined you should be about getting it.
2. Move Quick Without Doubts
GO QUICKLY to avoid abuse once you have made the decision to leave.
Don’t argue, disagree, explain or blame- you cannot win. He will reject your view point as he has always done. He will twist your words and make you doubt what you are doing.
The narcissist will see your leaving as the ultimate betrayal.
Make short, neutral statements (like, “you could be right” or “I don’t want to discuss this any further”)-and keep repeating the.
Don’t fall into his trap of arguing or trying to explain.
3. Prepare for Revenge
PREPARE YOURSELF during, and after, leaving for brutal, aggressive retaliation.
He may easily fly into a narcissistic rage when he feels abandoned.
He is likely to accuse you of using him, abandoning him and financially “taking” him as he actually does those behaviors to you.
The narcissist is capable of rage and retaliation for any slight (imagined or not), so despite your own anger or need to prove him wrong- do NOT challenge or provoke him.
4. Ignore Them
DO NOT ANSWER the door if he comes to your house, do not respond to texts, phone calls or emails.
Communicate only when you absolutely have to, and do so through the use of a third party.
5. Find Support With Friends
SURROUND YOURSELF with understanding friends and loving family.
If you have been living together- separate bills, assets, and property as soon as possible to end reasons for contact.
Change all passwords, establish separate accounts, and consider shopping at different stores, etc to avoid running into him.
6. Don’t Keep Memories
THROW AWAY, donate or sell any keepsakes that remind you of him; this will help you detach from him.
Reading Suggestion: 11 Typical Examples of Narcissist text Messages
7. Go No Contact
CEASE ALL CONTACT in order to get emotionally strong and healthy.
Make a list of the criticisms and put-downs that he used to say—TODAY– and then disprove each one with a positive statement about you.
For instance, if you wrote, “he said I’m an idiot”-counter that with, “but I am smart!”
Or “he said I was ugly and no one else will love me”, counter with, “but I have friends and family who love me, and there are lots of fish in the sea, there are more people out there to love me”.
8. Join a Support Group
Get counseling or join a support group if you didn’t already do so.
9. Find New Connections With People
Find new friends and new “non-romantic” relationships. You will find that all kinds of genuinely nice people will come into your life.
Join a class or a group that interests you-it doesn’t have to cost money- just anything that will bring you into the company of new people.
Rejoice in having an active, normal social life without that dark, black cloud hanging over you.
Give Yourself Time to grief
Don’t jump right into another relationship. The quicker you enter into a new relationship, the higher the likelihood that it will be with another narcissist or another personality disorder.
You have a lot of healing to do; there has been a lot of psychological harm done.
So take the time to grieve, to mourn the loss, and to heal. Give yourself time to learn to love yourself again and the time to relearn how lovable you are to others.
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I wish I had found this information 10 years ago. Currently in the grips of rebuilding my life from the ground up after a nasty separation from an almost decade long relationship with a narcissist.
Very hard to believe I let myself be involved with this jerk.I wish there was away I could warn other woman. But they probably would’nt listen.My friends and family saw it right away.
#4, 5 and 7 are impossible if you have children together. Do you have suggestions for this much more difficult situation?
I agree and would love some suggestions for this situation.
I have a severely autistic son that requires nothing but work and patience. Just that alone leaves me exhausted and he’s so severe that it’s hard to find any respite. Also, my husband drained me of every dime I had and keeps all of “his” money from me (he can’t trust me). I’m completely trapped and so is my son. My son’s behavior becomes worse every day because he doesn’t have a whole mother.
I was told to go into a refuge and leave everything I had worked so hard to build behind. I refused of course and am still living with the npd. I am now selling my home and planning on moving away leaving my 2 older children ( thank goodness they are now old enough to stand on their own two feet ) . I am setting them up in a rented flat . It’s taken me 8 long years to be ready. Of course the npd knows nothing of my plans , blissfully unaware that once the home is sold I am running. It’s the only way I can see to get out , I’ve tried everything else. I really feel your pain having younger children as it’s been like a living hell for me for so long , sadly their is little help and equally as little understanding for people who has children and lives to survive
Really good advice! Really tough if you have kids and can’t have ‘no contact.’ I remember reading somewhere that the best thing to do if you have to keep contact is to make yourself as boring and uninteresting to the NP as possible. Give no emotion, not in a cold way but in a boring way. Don’t get personal stick to the matter at hand such as arrangements for the kids etc. If he asks about what you’ve been up to keep it mundane “not much, just working” etc. It might be hard not to want to prove something to someone who has always made you feel worthless but your safety or sanity could depend on it.
Meg, I agree. It is best to keep conversations “light” with a narcissist (if you have to be in contact with one for whatever reason). The weather is also a good topic, in other words, something bland and boring. If we go into any detail about our lives, it will give them something to “feed” on. Even saying we went shopping at the mall, or went on a week-end trip could give a narcissist fuel for an outburst about spending money, (even if it is not their money, as they tend to financially over-reach into other people’s lives). In addition, narcissists don’t like other people to enjoy “perks” in life, and they will be critical of us for taking time for ourselves.
if narcissistic people have virtually no feelings and can only think about themselves, why do they get into relationships?
Because they need an audience for their life , they can’t be alone as they need resources
I decided to break up with the Narc during one of his many silent treatment episodes.
I asked him about it and he said he did not know what I was talking about and then exploded to his usual insults and making me look like I was a crazy nag…I told him off and cut off all contact immediately, before he could respond. ..FB, Messenger, whatsapp etc
He’s rather arrogant so I don’t expect to hear from him any time soon .
I feel like a huge weight has been taken off my shoulders
The relationship I was in wasn’t a “romantic” attachment. We had been so-called best friends ss for our er 15 years. In the beginning it all seemed great, although looking back I see things I was thinking aware of at that time.The situation became worse over time. She would suddenly get moody with me and the the outburst would come followed by the “love-bombing”. Things would be good for a while, even though she was very controlling I always thought she has a good heart and it’s just who she is and I would accept it.
The last time. E she had an outburst was precedes by two months of icyness…unless people were around. I’d had enough, I felt like I belonged only to her. It took another three years to finally find the courage to say NO MORE! II ENDED IT!
I’ve never looked back, never had a regret, never felt guilty.
the one im going to leave likes to start arguments…i hate confrontations. im taking my things to my moms thn im going to find a place… the sooner i get out the better
I’d like to know why after all the loneliness, name calling screaming at me he told me to leave by 30days and I was just getting afraid of him I finally left !! But it’s been 23days and he has not contacted me at all!! You say he’ll be back but this one hasn’t tried to call nothing!! I guess maybe he was screwing someone else! All he did was watch porn in the bathroom ! Why do I feel so horrible and like shit that he could give a shit about me!! Our main blowups were because he drank to much and was always high! Never ever sober and he got really weird when he was wasted! It makes me so mad that he never gave a crap about me at all why do I feel like ???? shit
I have a child with a narcissist and I’m not sure how to leave without him becoming abusive towards our child when he gets them on the weekends…. I would rather suffer mental abuse than my child have to suffer his mood swings and yelling at her for simple things like poking him.
i am in the process of leaving him but I don’t know how, when I get mad at him he will wait 3 or 4 days to contact me,and when he does , he doesn’t even say nothing but act like he didnothing wrong.