There are three people in a narcissistic relationship.
There’s you.
There’s the narcissist.
Then there’s the narcissist’s mask. Who they pretend to be for the outsiders.
And I know. It feels like an injustice to you because everybody only gets to see the masked version, right?
It’s an injustice because you have to tolerate all the abuse and lies and manipulation while they carry on with a smile on their face…
Like nothing is wrong.
So my question is, how do you deal with it?
Luckily – I also have the answer.
Keeping You Up At Night
Before we go any further, I need you to know how important it is to recognize your own anger when you’re kept up at night by the narcissist.
It’s 2am, and you’re lying there wondering when your brain will switch off from the injustice, and I know. Because you’ll also be picturing the narcissist sleeping soundly, without a care in the world, right?
That’s because the narcissist lacks something that you ooze:
A conscience.
You’ve been wronged and treated terribly, and you are struggling to switch off from all the ways they’ve hurt you and caused you pain and misery.
Unfair To You – As They Waltz Off
It seems unfair to me that victims of narcissistic abuse – as some kind of warped final insult – have to deal with the lack of closure they feel after the relationship ends. They’re looking for ways the narcissist will get their comeuppance.
They want the narcissist to know what true suffering really feels like.
What Does This Do To You?
It can be a time consuming need. Waking up every morning wondering if that will be the day the narcissist’s world comes crashing in on them.
It leaves you on edge. They are living their best life, getting away with all the wrong they’ve landed on other people, perhaps even including you.
The Cognitive Dissonance Works On Overtime
Isn’t it a strange idea? You’re a good person! Somebody so nice, wanting such a negative thing to happen to somebody.
But that ‘somebody’ isn’t just any old person.
It’s a person who has potentially ruined so many aspects of your life to date.
They’ve held you back. They’ve chipped away at your confidence. Your identity. Your self-esteem. They ridiculed you in private and praised you in public.
You were used and abused – quite literally.
And now?
You feel and think such awful things.
What is up with that?
We Want Revenge
Well, it’s near impossible to look a narcissist in the eyes and not want some kind of revenge.
After everything they put you through? All the misery they caused? The hurt, the pain, the lies, and what?
They get to skip around and act like everything is fine, meanwhile you are left picking up the pieces of your life, barely able to function.
It’s unjust. I understand that. I see the pain inflicted upon a percentage of the people I meet with, and they all have one thing in common:
Why us? Why not them?
You Won’t Get It When You Want It
Waiting for that magical moment to happen is never going to come all the while you’re waiting for it. It’s like watching a boiling pot – it takes away your energy for the here and now, and it seems to take forever.
I have to add here that revenge is never about violence or causing destruction. Revenge can simply just mean watching them get found out. Seeing the people they thought they could trust fall away from them. Friends or family waking up to the person they really are. Seeing them struggle with their sense of identity through some kind of characteristic loss.
The theme of wanting a narcissist to fall on their feet is common – far more common than you will ever know.
Where Does The Tension Go?
Tension from how you’re feeling seeps into every aspect of your life. You can become so fixated on wanting the truth to get out there that it interrupts otherwise important days, moments and memories.
And I know and see how conflicting it is to think what you think about the narcissist – the person you actually really cared about for perhaps even a long time.
You want them to feel as bad as they’ve made you feel, or at the very least be caught red-handed in the midst of their own ego.
The tension has to go somewhere, and guess what?
It sits on your shoulders.
It’s your weight to carry. The narcissist isn’t going to carry it – why should they?
Your problem will affect you in many ways – and none of them good.
Unresolved Turns To This…
When you carry trauma around that’s left unresolved, you’ll start to feel it long after it sets in. Believe me when I say this can go on for years. Years of your life have gone to the narcissist, now not in person, but in thought.
The saving of yourself has been neglected and replaced with the desire to see the narcissist get what they’re due.
You blame yourself for even getting involved with them. If you just did this or acted that way instead, none of this would have happened.
Well, I hate to break it to you, but you can’t go back in time. Nor can you take away your experiences.
Feeling guilty is only going to add more and more weight to an already sinking ship.
The injustice will eat you alive, if you allow it to.
And yes, people are even known to feel guilty about wanting revenge – another burden they certainly don’t need to carry!
Don’t Get Stuck in a Thought Loop
I know it can be easy to get caught up in this loop and overthink. Every day you wake up and wonder if today will be the day. You want the injustice to unfold sooner rather than later, and your impatience is now sky-high.
Time is your friend here. You have to appreciate how certain things take time to unfold. They really do, and you can do nothing to speed it up without looking like you’re out to get them. All that will do is cause you to be the one people will blame.
No contact live your life heal acceptance is important but its not justice
Acceptance is the long term healer. Go through the process.
Life is only fair sometimes for all of us, and we grieve those moments that aren’t that.
Honestly, knowing that and telling yourself that you can move past these feelings will help you get moving. You aren’t going to be able to move at all if you are stuck in injustice.
Trust the process of life, and know that most narcissists, at some point or another, will make themselves known as such.
